There is too much to get out to put in a FB status, and it was encouraged, so here ya go.
I stayed an hour and a half late at work tonight to help out. I didn't mind staying a little late, but I didn't get relieved when I was supposed to be. Not like I have a class at 0800 in DC or anything. And then I go to get a ride to my car (parked in BFE) and security is "sorry" because they don't have anyone to take me to my car...so I walk. By myself. I don't care that it's raining...it's water. I care about the area and the fact that there was a shooting across the street on the Hill earlier and now I'm walking by myself. And no I don't carry.
I'm tired of the lack of respect. Yes, I know my job and I know my role, but I'm smarter than you may think I am. Show me respect and I will return the favor. And not just respect at work...respect in my personal life, too. Like my roomie...yeah I will call you out. Start walking with me. Stop eating my food! I love ya but some things I keep around for me, when I reach certain milestones with my weight loss. I cut every last vice out of my life. I deserve a little reward now and then...IN MODERATION.
I haven't slept for shit these last two weeks. Why? Partly due to the fat burners I'm taking I'm sure. But if anyone has been paying attention to my FB...I thought I fucked up. I will come clean...I had been talking to this really great guy, one who has been through more shit than he deserves. I will not make excuses. I don't know what we had, but it's obviously not that way anymore. I can apologize a million times and I know nothing will make it right. I have no idea how you felt about me. I probably never will. I told you over and over how I felt about you and nothing was reciprocated. The time I spent with you is priceless. That time I wouldn't trade for anything. You are not damaged goods. You do not have baggage. Not in my eyes. If this is it, then I guess this is it. But the way you talk it seems like you don't want to spend the time anymore. You are why I haven't been sleeping. I've been stressing over the thought of how badly I fucked things up between us. And like I said...when I go from hearing from you every day to not hearing from you for over a week...it was obvious that I had done something wrong. And I meant what I said.
I was supposed to go to Houston next week. See old friends. Go to the Gulf of Mexico. I took care in not letting many people know where exactly I was going (for obvious reasons). I confirmed the dates with my friends several times before purchasing the tickets. I needed the time out of state, away from it all. Then I get a text about how you're "an asshole" and this is my "lesson" about you but you will be out of town those dates...and my tickets were non-refundable. Why? Because when I commit to something I hold true.
Apparently that concept is lost on many these days.
Work...work? A few weeks ago I rearranged my life, my schedule, because there were call-outs. Yes...the overtime is wonderful :) but I didn't get a single thank you from any of the higher ups. I've come to expect this. I need a change, and I need it soon. Yes, I am testing for P soon. Yes, I am putting in for various jobs. Here's a kicker for y'all...if none of those pan out...I'm going Army. To be a medic. Yes. Why? Nothing keeping me here.
Part of this crap has to be kept secret...but here's another thing that keeps coming up...I'm almost 30 and still single. No kids. Who the fuck cares?? If it happens it happens. People ask me all the time why I'm not married. It is simple: I'm smarter than that. I'm smarter than to settle for the first good thing that came my way. I was smart enough to think things through. My mother raised me quite well...and my father helped with the finishing touches :)
I got another tat recently...thought it would be my most painful one yet. Was looking forward to the pain and endorphins that would follow...not so much. So now have to save and get my ribs done...soon.
A couple good things? Well...I suppose not all hope is lost in the romance department. Problem is I'm a sap and a die hard romantic...who has had nothing but disappointment and people who try to take advantage of me. Lucky for me I don't take any bullshit so that doesn't happen. Just know that I'm a pessimist...cynic...skeptical of any good thing that comes my way. If you know me...can you blame me?
I'm seeing numbers on the scale I haven't seen since...middle school? Nine pounds to go to get to the weight on my driver's license, 19 to goal (though that will change).
I'm not sitting back and waiting for things to happen. We create our destiny. If you sit idly by, someone else will not do it for you. Take control, live life to the fullest. If there are negative people in your life...people who try to use you, bring you down...get rid of them as soon as possible. They may claim to be your friends, however, their true nature will show eventually. Go with your gut instinct. Take care of yourself. If you don't...who will??
It may seem like I'm not happy but I truly am. You don't need someone else to be happy. You need to be happy first so you can share in that happiness with someone else. Never let anyone's presence dictate your happiness.
My alarm clock will be going off in less than two hours (hey, you...I did buy an actual alarm clock. One that I wake up to, daily). I think I've gotten out about everything I can. Doubtful I'll get any sleep though.
If I've hurt anyone by a certain part of this...I'm sorry. I tried to dull the blow but it still hurts. And I fucked that up, too. :) At least I'm consistent!!
I did think a while ago about posting something for any guy that would be interested in taking me out. You wanna know my likes, dislikes, etc? Talk to my brothers. You want to do right by me...you gotta get through them. Sure I may be putting them on the spot and giving them a lot of responsibility but I know they worry about me and as Mike said he's "tired of having these conversations with me." So if you're serious about it, man up and talk to one or both of them.
This pessimist is tired, so I'm gonna wrap this up for now.
And if you made it this far...well, damn. Good job.
