So I've been thinking...A lot...

...And again, I'm probably going to piss some people off, but what else is new?

For those that know me well, I've had a lot going on these last couple of months.  You see updates and check ins on Facebook and know that something is up.  Thankfully that is behind us and we've moved on (sorta).

In any case, those things along with others that have come up in the last couple of months have lead to me sitting here, running, walking, drifting off...thinking.  Thinking about what I'm doing, where I'm going, where I need to be.

I've thought a lot about what I want.  Funny thing is...I've wanted the same things for the last decade or so.  I've had the same idea about what I wanted my life to be like.  It hasn't changed even though I (and everything and everyone around me) has.  I had this idea...of the person I wanted to be with, the place I wanted to live, the life I wanted to lead, the family I wanted to have.   I'm sure a lot of people have that "ideal" relationship.  And I've been looking for that perfection.  Mind you...I haven't rejected people that have not met that ideal.  I was always willing to compromise and give people a chance.  There have always been some things I have not been willing to give in about...

Then life throws you a curve ball.  Or three.  And the situation changes...again.

Now the question remains...do I follow the same path I have and go for what I want, or go for what is best for me?
That is the question that has been on my mind for the past couple of weeks. I had this ideal...this perfect image of what I wanted, what I dreamed my life to be.  Was I willing to give all that up?  Give something else a chance?  The more I thought about it...the more I wondered: Why do they have to be different?  Me...I have changed.  I am FAR from the person I was ten years ago...hell, I'm far from the person I was three years ago!  Why hasn't my ideal life changed as I have?
My happiness is that of my own creation.  I had this idea that certain things would make me happy, and my life had to include these things.  If life presented me with an option that did not include this path...that would not be ok.  I would opt to wait until I felt it was right.  The thing is...this is right.

Again...lots and lots of thinking.  Looking at my life, at events, at people.  I have people in my life now that matter more, and I couldn't imagine life without them.  I do know what I want, but it's not all about me. 

More later with a clearer head...I hope.  Sleep now.