I suck at updates.

Well...the Cliffs Notes version...

-Moved out of Baltimore

-Rekindled with someone

-Started a new job

-Finished the paramedic licensing

-Started my career as a paramedic

-Gettin' hitched

-Finally happy again.

Detailed update to come in the near future.  :-)

So I've been thinking...A lot...

...And again, I'm probably going to piss some people off, but what else is new?

For those that know me well, I've had a lot going on these last couple of months.  You see updates and check ins on Facebook and know that something is up.  Thankfully that is behind us and we've moved on (sorta).

In any case, those things along with others that have come up in the last couple of months have lead to me sitting here, running, walking, drifting off...thinking.  Thinking about what I'm doing, where I'm going, where I need to be.

I've thought a lot about what I want.  Funny thing is...I've wanted the same things for the last decade or so.  I've had the same idea about what I wanted my life to be like.  It hasn't changed even though I (and everything and everyone around me) has.  I had this idea...of the person I wanted to be with, the place I wanted to live, the life I wanted to lead, the family I wanted to have.   I'm sure a lot of people have that "ideal" relationship.  And I've been looking for that perfection.  Mind you...I haven't rejected people that have not met that ideal.  I was always willing to compromise and give people a chance.  There have always been some things I have not been willing to give in about...

Then life throws you a curve ball.  Or three.  And the situation changes...again.

Now the question remains...do I follow the same path I have and go for what I want, or go for what is best for me?
That is the question that has been on my mind for the past couple of weeks. I had this ideal...this perfect image of what I wanted, what I dreamed my life to be.  Was I willing to give all that up?  Give something else a chance?  The more I thought about it...the more I wondered: Why do they have to be different?  Me...I have changed.  I am FAR from the person I was ten years ago...hell, I'm far from the person I was three years ago!  Why hasn't my ideal life changed as I have?
My happiness is that of my own creation.  I had this idea that certain things would make me happy, and my life had to include these things.  If life presented me with an option that did not include this path...that would not be ok.  I would opt to wait until I felt it was right.  The thing is...this is right.

Again...lots and lots of thinking.  Looking at my life, at events, at people.  I have people in my life now that matter more, and I couldn't imagine life without them.  I do know what I want, but it's not all about me. 

More later with a clearer head...I hope.  Sleep now.

RANT

There is too much to get out to put in a FB status, and it was encouraged, so here ya go.

I stayed an hour and a half late at work tonight to help out.  I didn't mind staying a little late, but I didn't get relieved when I was supposed to be.  Not like I have a class at 0800 in DC or anything.  And then I go to get a ride to my car (parked in BFE) and security is "sorry" because they don't have anyone to take me to my car...so I walk.  By myself.  I don't care that it's raining...it's water.  I care about the area and the fact that there was a shooting across the street on the Hill earlier and now I'm walking by myself.  And no I don't carry.

I'm tired of the lack of respect.  Yes, I know my job and I know my role, but I'm smarter than you may think I am.  Show me respect and I will return the favor.  And not just respect at work...respect in my personal life, too.  Like my roomie...yeah I will call you out.  Start walking with me.  Stop eating my food!  I love ya but some things I keep around for me, when I reach certain milestones with my weight loss.  I cut every last vice out of my life.  I deserve a little reward now and then...IN MODERATION.

I haven't slept for shit these last two weeks.  Why?  Partly due to the fat burners I'm taking I'm sure.  But if anyone has been paying attention to my FB...I thought I fucked up.  I will come clean...I had been talking to this really great guy, one who has been through more shit than he deserves. I will not make excuses.  I don't know what we had, but it's obviously not that way anymore.  I can apologize a million times and I know nothing will make it right.  I have no idea how you felt about me.  I probably never will.  I told you over and over how I felt about you and nothing was reciprocated.  The time I spent with you is priceless.  That time I wouldn't trade for anything.  You are not damaged goods.  You do not have baggage.  Not in my eyes.  If this is it, then I guess this is it.  But the way you talk it seems like you don't want to spend the time anymore.  You are why I haven't been sleeping.  I've been stressing over the thought of how badly I fucked things up between us.  And like I said...when I go from hearing from you every day to not hearing from you for over a week...it was obvious that I had done something wrong.  And I meant what I said.

I was supposed to go to Houston next week.  See old friends.  Go to the Gulf of Mexico.  I took care in not letting many people know where exactly I was going (for obvious reasons).  I confirmed the dates with my friends several times before purchasing the tickets.  I needed the time out of state, away from it all.  Then I get a text about how you're "an asshole" and this is my "lesson" about you but you will be out of town those dates...and my tickets were non-refundable.  Why?  Because when I commit to something I hold true.
Apparently that concept is lost on many these days.

Work...work?  A few weeks ago I rearranged my life, my schedule, because there were call-outs.  Yes...the overtime is wonderful :) but I didn't get a single thank you from any of the higher ups.  I've come to expect this.  I need a change, and I need it soon.  Yes, I am testing for P soon.  Yes, I am putting in for various jobs.  Here's a kicker for y'all...if none of those pan out...I'm going Army.  To be a medic.  Yes.  Why?  Nothing keeping me here.

Part of this crap has to be kept secret...but here's another thing that keeps coming up...I'm almost 30 and still single.  No kids.  Who the fuck cares??  If it happens it happens.  People ask me all the time why I'm not married.  It is simple:  I'm smarter than that.  I'm smarter than to settle for the first good thing that came my way.  I was smart enough to think things through. My mother raised me quite well...and my father helped with the finishing touches :)

I got another tat recently...thought it would be my most painful one yet.  Was looking forward to the pain and endorphins that would follow...not so much.  So now have to save and get my ribs done...soon.

A couple good things?  Well...I suppose not all hope is lost in the romance department.  Problem is I'm a sap and a die hard romantic...who has had nothing but disappointment and people who try to take advantage of me.  Lucky for me I don't take any bullshit so that doesn't happen.  Just know that I'm a pessimist...cynic...skeptical of any good thing that comes my way.  If you know me...can you blame me?
I'm seeing numbers on the scale I haven't seen since...middle school? Nine pounds to go to get to the weight on my driver's license, 19 to goal (though that will change).
I'm not sitting back and waiting for things to happen.  We create our destiny.  If you sit idly by, someone else will not do it for you.  Take control, live life to the fullest.  If there are negative people in your life...people who try to use you, bring you down...get rid of them as soon as possible.  They may claim to be your friends, however, their true nature will show eventually.  Go with your gut instinct.  Take care of yourself.  If you don't...who will??

It may seem like I'm not happy but I truly am.  You don't need someone else to be happy.  You need to be happy first so you can share in that happiness with someone else.  Never let anyone's presence dictate your happiness. 

My alarm clock will be going off in less than two hours (hey, you...I did buy an actual alarm clock.  One that I wake up to, daily).  I think I've gotten out about everything I can.  Doubtful I'll get any sleep though.

If I've hurt anyone by a certain part of this...I'm sorry. I tried to dull the blow but it still hurts.  And I fucked that up, too. :)  At least I'm consistent!!

I did think a while ago about posting something for any guy that would be interested in taking me out.  You wanna know my likes, dislikes, etc?  Talk to my brothers.  You want to do right by me...you gotta get through them.  Sure I may be putting them on the spot and giving them a lot of responsibility but I know they worry about me and as Mike said he's "tired of having these conversations with me."  So if you're serious about it, man up and talk to one or both of them.

This pessimist is tired, so I'm gonna wrap this up for now.

And if you made it this far...well, damn.  Good job.

A Drive...

Turn down, leave the the bright lights of the town behind.  So many lights, so bright here you wouldn't even need your headlights to drive at night.  Make another turn, and again, til I get to a road I know well...innocuous name in and of itself, but I know from experience that this one has many turns, and leads to more like it.  Eventually it turns into another road that leads back to one of the main roads through the county. 
There's cars here and there...houses scattered about.  Time to turn the music off.  Looking up there are no lights...unless you count the stars in the sky.
Another quick turn then back onto another back road...down hills, around curves...through S-turns and down this road with no shoulder.  Turn onto another road that'll take you clear to the west side of the county.  Come up a hill...that farm over there is where we went cow tipping once.  Right past it is where there was a fatal accident...only the infant survived.  Say a prayer as that feeling hits me.  Around a turn and up a hill...make a turn then a quick left...yeah, Bumpy Oak Road.  Pass through an area known as Pomonkey...it's not a town, but there's a place there with a giant satellite dish that if you're brave (dumb) enough to climb to the top you can see for miles...even see our Nation's Capital on a clear night.  Down through the back road, windows down...a little smirk as a smell crosses my nose and I think "skunk."  Cross the railroad tracks, up the hill...nothing but woods and field.  Cross a creek...hell, cross a dozen creeks before you hit the next intersection...
When given the choice of north or south...head south...
On to the road known as Chicamuxen Road.  Runs right down the west-southwest side of the county, along the Potomac.  Can't see it due to the forest and farms.  Lots of roads and places around here with Native American names...roads named after family farms, randomness...even pass a sign that says "FD Water Supply"...no hydrants for miles.
Through areas known as Pisgah...Marbury...Rison...pass the place where they dispose of warfare...not seeing another soul for miles...unless you count the deer and occasional raccoon.  Pass a state park...pass a sign that says :Shoulder Ends."  Down this road that hasn't been paved in years.  Probably the only people that come down here are the people that live here and the county sheriff when need be.
Haven't seen another car for a while.  Doesn't matter though.  It's nice and quiet...only hear the sounds of my car and nature when I slow down enough to take it in.  Nice break from the sounds of the city...nice to be able to gather my thoughts and relax...thinking about everything yet sometimes nothing at all. 
Headlights light up the road right in front of me...really, right in front of me.  Looks like I'm driving into oblivion.  Put the high beams on and all of a sudden I can see the hill ahead on a straight part of the road.  On the curves...well, you can't even tell which way it's gonna turn through the curve until you crest the hill...or, you know the road...
Nanjemoy...Ironsides...nothing really around here.  There's the rescue squad and the store...where the speed limit drops from 50 to 35 and right back to 50...all in about a mile, with no warning. 
Oh yeah, Blue Dog Saloon.  If you're from Southern MD you know the legend of the Blue Dog.  Back in high school we used to drive around these parts trying to catch a glimpse of that damn blue dog,
Pass Poorhouse Road (insert Foxworthy joke here..."if directions to your house include 'turn off the paved road...'")...soon will be in Port Tobacco proper.  Where the Community Center damn near burned down years back.  Took every tanker in the county, refilling them from the rivers and creeks...yes, drafting.  And that's when Tanker 11 flipped on one of these back roads too...

Pass the road that leads to the marina where we did our water rescue training...that was a fun day on the bay :)  And the place that has the one of the oldest Catholic parishes in the states...gorgeous lil chapel with a great view of the water.
By now the road has a shoulder, the road is freshly paved, and there's a sign warning for a lower speed.  It's getting brighter, and the town lies ahead.  Seeing the first stop light for almost an hour.  Pass the one car dealership in town, the sheriff, the county jail...and the lights of the town fade behind me.  Down another road without a shoulder.  More curves, twists and turns.  Down an unlined road...surprisingly, no deer here tonight.  To a place where you don't have to worry about locking your car at night, where you have to pass through woods to see your neighbors, and when you wake up in the morning, it's quiet.  No sounds of cars, and all you see are the woods and a grassy front yard.  Would be nice as hell to see some snow though.
Perfect night for a drive like this.
A lot of people say Southern Maryland isn't country.  Sure, if all you think is Waldorf then I'd have to agree.  Take a ride down some of these roads one night and see.
G'night folks.

Happy Hallmark Holiday!

I was going to post a status on FB, but there is way too much to say about this.

Valentine's Day...dreaded by many, loved by few.  I gotta say...I was never really a fan of Valentine's Day.  Until I was in a long relationship.  Then I learned to hate it once again.  I usually schedule myself to work on said holiday...occasionally I will take off to hang out with friends (Katie and I had a blast last year), but for the most part, I'd rather work than get my hopes up.  If you're thinking "Man this is sad"...don't.  If you haven't figured out by now that I am a pessimist, you need to review a few blogs.

Ladies...if this holiday is important to you, tell your man.  Write it on the calendar.  Leave a post-it note on his 12 pack of beer.  Tell him straight up, "Honey, I want to do something for Valentine's Day." Most guys are dense.  They will not pick up on the slight hints.  If you want flowers, make sure he knows your favorite kind (or whatever kind will do).  Forward him deals on Valentine's bouquets.  Print out/cut out ads for jewelry.  Tell him your favorite restaurant is having a Valentine's dinner special.  We expect a lot out of them, and honestly...they're guys.  Some of the older ones get it...the younger ones need a lil extra prodding.

Gents...if your girl hints about Valentine's Day, does any of the above things...DO IT (if it is within your means).  If you can't...explain to your girl ahead of time that it's a little hard for you to do something but definitely make it up to her in some other way.  Homemade things are awesome.  A card is amazing...it's like pulling teeth to get a guy down the card aisle before/on Valentine's Day but seriously dudes...picking out the right card and a simple rose works if you can't afford an expensive dinner/overpriced bouquet/fancy jewelry.  When we say it's the thought that counts...unless she's a total bitch it's true.

Girls...if he remembers your birthday, fantastic.  If he remembers your anniversary...be thankful.  This is just another day out of the year.  If he forgets or doesn't do anything...it's really not the end of the world.  If you had expectations, got your hopes up but didn't express it...well, I hate to say it's your own fault but I will.  I've been there...and yes, it was my fault I didn't express my opinion about that holiday.  At the time, yes I was pissed.  But really...looking back...it wasn't that big of a deal.  I didn't let him know that I wanted anything special.  In the future I did and man...it worked!!  Even got my favorite flowers once or twice.  It's amazing what a little extra work on our part can do.  And don't forget to reciprocate...for example, if you two can't afford a big celebration and he gets you a nice card/flowers/etc...how about a nice home-cooked meal (or decent takeout if your kitchen timer is the smoke detector)?  We can't expect everything from them.  Just remember...this is a commercial holiday created to boost card sales in the middle of the fiscal year.

So if you're in a committed relationship, I hope you have a fantastic Valentine's Day.  If it fails, take the above into consideration for future V-days.  If you're single...have fun!!  Get together with other single friends, get a bottle of wine, pints of ice cream...whatever!  Just think...it ain't gonna last forever.  Enjoy a little bit of freedom and not having to stress over failing this holiday.

And with that, I bid you adieu. 

So what had happened was...

Alright...two months post-surgery, I guess I have a few to fill y'all in on what happened.  Gonna be a long one, so saddle up boys and girls.

November 16: went to work, had pain in my left eye.  It felt like it was swollen.

November 17: woke up with my left eye swollen.  It looked like angioedema so I was popping 50 mg of Benadryl every four hours.  Swelling went down.

November 18: woke up with my left eye swollen even more, tilted down and to the left, with double vision.

November 19: went to the ED.  Had post-septal cellulitis, cranial nerve III palsy, vertical diplopia, dilated pupil, proptosis and ptosis. Labs were normal.  MRI with contrast done, revealed a retrobulbar mass, approximately 3 cm in diameter.  Loaded with Ativan...Transferred to Johns Hopkins for further eval.  CT scan done with contrast.  Seen by ophthalmology and ENT...why ENT? Had the most thorough eye exam EVER.  They measured the actual degree of double vision.  ENT resident came to see me...they said they thought it was a mucocele...WTF is that...started in my left ethmoid sinus, broke through the bone and started growing behind and over my eye.  Started on steroids (I had been saying I needed steroids since the 17th)...eye swelling went down after a few days and double vision resolved by the day after Thanksgiving.

November 27: saw the head of sinus surgery at Hopkins.  They asked about how all this came about.  I told them I woke up one morning with my eye swollen, took a pic and sent it to a nurse I work with who showed it to a PA.  They were like "You have pictures of it?" Me: "Of course I have pictures" (they obviously don't know people in EMS).  Scoped me in the office and explained the surgery...they would cut it, remove what they could of the outer covering (not all because part of it had attached to the bone between the eye and the brain and they didn't want to risk a CSF leak).  They said they may have to do a septoplasty as well.  Me? I was like "Whatever, just get this thing outta my face."

December 5: Surgery bright and early at Hopkins.  Had a sit-down with the anesthesiology resident...
Me: What size tube are you using?
Doc: 7.5
Me: Are you using the Glidescope or laryngoscope?
Doc: (laughing) laryngoscope
Me: Don't click my teeth.
Doc: (more laughing) OK
Me: Don't give me Dilaudid after surgery unless you want them to clean up the mess.  They gave me Dilaudid before, then Zofran, Compazine, Reglan, Phenergan, and put a scopolamine patch on me and I was still heaving.
Doc: OK (laughing)
Me: Oh yeah...I get pretty bad post-op nausea, so you need to medicate.  And I have a high pain tolerance, so no need to go overboard with the stuff.
Doc: Gotcha.  Anything else?
Me: Nah...that's it.

My surgeon was awesome. They wheeled me in to the OR, I moved over to the table. I'm bsing with the OR staff.  My nurse is giving me hell...I'm joking around with them all.  They strap my arms in..."This is Fentanyl" they said...and the room started spinning.  I started giggling and said "Woah." They said "This is Propofol" and I said "Ah! Milk of amnesia!"  The whole room started laughing and my nurse says "Oh, you know this one?" I said "Yep!  Night night." And I was out.

I woke up...feeling like I got punched in the face a bunch of times.  Fentanyl is an amazing drug...I got two doses in PACU, as well as a lot of Zofran and the scopolamine patch...again lol.  I felt like I got an uppercut to the nose and punched in the mouth...the resident, in his humor, had taped the tube down on my lower lip, leaving me with a fat lip. Ha. Ha. They had to do the septoplasty too, so I had sutures inside my nose.  I saw my mom and asked for a Slurpee.  My throat was so sore from the tube...turns out when they pulled the tube I didn't want to start breathing on my own again...whoops.  I told the anesthesiologist I was a little tired..I'd been up for three days before the surgery.  :)

When I was finally cleared to leave, I made the mistake of leaning forward to grab my bag of clothes and get dressed.  Hello epistaxis!!  "Ahh!" I yelled.  My nurse was next door and hollered "What?" I yelled back "I sprung a leak!" She comes in laughing at me and said it was common, so she taped a gauze pad under my nose and let me get dressed.  Four hour surgery, two to three hours in PACU and I was on my way to the hotel....with a couple of stops first.

7-eleven to get a Slurpee.  My mother has a great sense of humor.  I'm in the store, with a gauze pad taped under my nose, trying to buy an extra-large strawberry Slurpee with cash...post-op, post-anesthesia, and post-Fentanyl.  Hilarious I tell ya.  LMAO...Love her :)

I slept sitting up for the first few nights.  The saline rinses SUCKED.  Post-op instructions said not to blow my nose.  Hardest thing ever.  Back to Baltimore after a couple days recovering.

Now...here's the kicker.  No pain meds after leaving the hospital.  Not even Tylenol.  I felt fine.  I wasn't even bruised.  A little swollen, but no bruising.  My nose only hurt if I touched it...so I didn't touch it.  Not rocket science here.

First post-op visit included scope and debridement.  Lemme tell ya...debridements SUCK.  Pulling the sutures out of my septum was the worst...because they can't numb it with Tertracaine.  So here's the scope...
Doc turns the screen toward me
Doc: Can you see that? (with the scope up my nose)
Me: Yep.
Doc: You see that big white thing there?
Me: Yep.
Doc: That's your eye.
Me: That's so cool!

The doc also told me that when I was under they pressed on my eye from the outside and could see it move on the inside once they removed the mass.  I told him that's something I would do too, so it's all good.  Second post-op visit was a week later...that debridement was the worst.  The doc couldn't get the scabbing with suction and had to use forceps.  I told him "you know my pain tolerance" and he said "I know but I don't want to push it."  Final measurement...3.5 cm mucocele, extending from the ethmoid air cells to behind the globe of the eye.  Kinda big for something in the face.

I was back to work the next day, two weeks after surgery.

Had my last appointment last week.  The surgeon said that the bone won't grow back.  My question was..."Doc, just tell me...I'm not going to have snot behind my eye, right?" He laughed..."No, there is a membrane there separating it.  You don't need to come back unless your eye starts swelling again."  "Sweet."

Yes, I know my sense of humor is sick and twisted...but really, what else do you expect from me?  Want me to lie down all "woe is me" and crap?  Hell no.  Ain't in my nature.

So that's it...the joke, according to my brother, was I was "all Quasimodo-ing it up" for a few weeks.  I have anisocoria...but I've had that for a while.  No more proptosis or CN III palsy.  I'm as normal as I was before...if you could even call it that.

So now you know.  Fun times, right?  The thing that sucked is everyone was looking at me like "Oh shit."  I never get sick, complain, etc.  I handle it on my own, and I handle things for everyone else.  Everyone looks to me...as my aunt said, I'm the family's "rock."  I couldn't be out of commission for that long.  So here I am :)

Now...sleep.

So...

...unbelievably happy. Passed the paramedic practical exam. Hardest exam done, now to finish clinicals and then I can take my written exam. So much to say, but going to wait until I'm done with clinicals. That is all for now.