Convinced by following my brother's blog, I decided to start another of my own. Haven't touched my LiveJournal in over a year (at least)...and I'm in the process of turning my life around and making something of myself, so here goes nothing.
Figured I'd start by doing a 2010 year in review. My brother says 2010 was the "year of the moocher." For me, 2010 was a year chock full of disappointment...personally. It started with disappointment, and now it ends the same way. I lost a few friends over the course of the year, mostly for stupid reasons and disagreements. Do I miss them? Yes, some. Others I could care less about. Good fucking riddance.
I lost someone who meant a lot to me, who I dedicated 5 years of my life to, but kept having expectations fail and was disappointed more times than I care to remember. I rearranged my time and parts of my life, spent a lot of time without sleep just so I could spend a bit of time with him, and did a few over-the-top things...and just got let down. Man does it hurt...and I was even willing to give it another shot, til he chose being with someone else over being with me for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I've said it before and I'll say it again...now I believe I'll never get married, cause I need to find someone who will make me the most important thing in his life. After today, I definitely know that this will never happen.
I met a lot of people and made a bunch of new friends. Met someone who changed me...for the worse. Made me someone I don't want to be, and made me have regrets. Toxic people...I don't care if you get offended but after I get back from Pittsburgh, you all are done. I will interact with you on an as-needed basis; other than that, you can forget about it. I need people in my life who are positive, honest, and goal-oriented. If you do not fit into this category, I am done with you, and you can move on to your next "friend."
If you're reading this and think that the above paragraph applies to you...it probably does. I have seen the true sides to people this year, and really wish I hadn't. I've learned that there is so much lying that goes on...it's fucking crazy! Really...do you people have nothing better to do than make shit up? I've had one person lie to me so much, just for their own personal gain...in such a short period of time. This person will never be honest, and I've come to accept that.
Met someone else who completely blew me out of the water...who knew me so well, though only knew me for a couple of weeks. I don't think anyone before in my life could describe me as "predictable," but he can tell you a lot about me. Just wish my friends liked him...
Highlights from this year: being smarter than my A&P I lab instructor, totally kicking ass at the rave, running All Good (even though I didn't know until the second day in), my exceptional fall from grace and the four months of recovery that followed...and definitely getting into the paramedic program. That's probably the best thing that happened this year.
I just have to look out for myself now. Finish my program, get a job somewhere, and worry about myself and no one else. Sound sad and depressing to you? If it does, why? We all know that bad things happen to good people all the time, and my friends say I'm a good person. I'm in a top-notch paramedic program, doing pretty well, have a bunch of jobs, and am a pretty good babysitter :) . I'm EMS Captain for another year in my department, and am working to gain respect for myself and my station in Baltimore County.
Now for the fun stuff...New Years Resolutions:
1- No more being nice
2- No more mincing words
3- No more being walked on or being used
4- Hit the gym 2 nights a week after work/firehouse
5- Living for myself, and no one else
6- Problem arises... can I do something about it? If no, fuck it and move on. If yes, do what I can. If it doesn't work, fuck it and move on. (AKA the Serenity Prayer, just a little more blunt and to the point).
It is perfectly acceptable for me to be a bitter bitch. Wish I could say that I feel sorry for any guy who tries to break down these walls, but I don't. I know not all guys are rotten, self-centered assholes, but those are the ones that seem to find me, so fuck it. I'm done with all the bullshit. I don't have the time nor the patience for it anymore. Welcome to my brave new world...as different as it is from the original, so am I.
Happy New Year everyone...
I'll be the first to tag the wall...
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is keep your head above water, and try to keep the positive thoughts going. Really, the best place to be in life is to take care of you first. Generally, when you don't care about finding the person to share your life, your time, or even just a day with...that's when you come across them. Fate happens, when the time is right, you will realize who the right person is. The key is, YOU should be priority #1, making sure you're living life for your own goals.
I know we don't talk so much, but I try to "keep tabs" through Facebook...so hang in there, good luck with the paramedic program and just keep living for the now.
Joe- thanks so much. The problem is that I thought I was already there, til it all fell apart. I know nothing in life is a guarantee...believe me, I know this. I do wish we talked more, but we're living two different lives now. I'll live vicariously through my friends that have kids, and I gotta put the walls back up cause there are unsavory people out there that would take advantage of me in my "vulnerable" state.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is that once I put those walls up, no one will be able to come in. No one gets a chance with me. I've been hurt way too much for one lifetime, and I'd really like to not ever put myself out there again to get hurt. May be the wrong way to lead my life, but it's the safe way, and the way to keep me as #1, since no one else will.