Well the first couple of weeks of the year are off to a great start. So far, two of those toxic people are gone out of my life. The unfortunate thing is that one other person came back into my life and that ended...badly. Mostly because I pushed him away, thanks to people and their inability to keep their mouths shut. There is an unwritten rule in the fire service: it is impossible for a male and a female to be friends (have a platonic relationship) if the female is single. I have also learned that being a single female in the fire department sucks. Apparently if you're unattached, you're sleeping with everybody. Awesome. So if I swear off dating and stave off the advances of men, I'll be considered a lesbian. It's a lose-lose situation.
Installation...well, I must say I looked amazing. Turned out to backfire on me, because someone mentioned later that my problem is that I think everybody wants me. That's not the case. Those of you who knew me several years ago...did I ever think this? Did I ever even consider myself to be attractive? HELL NO. I've made a few changes and you know what? I got dressed up in the BEST dress I have ever bought, had hair and makeup professionally done, and I looked perfect. It was totally worth being fashionably late, because I looked good and that made me feel good, too.
My buddy Thejus said several years ago that I had a big problem. He said my problem is that I am both attractive and intelligent. When a guy sees a girl who is attractive, he gets interested. When she opens her mouth and says something intelligent, thoughtful...he gets stunned. Speechless, stumbling over words...whatever happened to that? I miss that. Is it because I have the confidence now I never had before? Either way, I'm done with it. I know I've pissed off a couple of people by doing this, but oh well. What was it that I said in my last post? Oh yeah, not mincing words, year of the bitch...deal with it.
I'm not looking for a relationship right now. As much as it might benefit me and reducing the talk around the firehouse, I'm not getting into something and getting hurt again...or worse, hurting someone else. Dating? Maybe. When this semester starts, I won't have time for anyone else, let alone myself. I'm the crazy person who is taking 11 credits (3 MFRI), working, babysitting, and doing the firehouse stuff. I'm all for hanging out and having a good time, but I don't have time for disappointment, pain, and most importantly, BULLSHIT.
Now I have to say something to someone...I know you read this because you told me the other night you did. When the seasons change our lives may as well. If you're willing to be there for me as a friend right now, I will do the same for you. The way things are right now...it's a huge mess. If you're patient, so am I. I really appreciate you being there for me when I needed a friend, when I needed a hug, a shoulder to cry on. I never meant to make anything harder for you or to hurt you in any way. You are an amazing person with a bright future ahead of you, and I respect you more than most of the people in my life right now. If you have anything to say, you know where to find me.
Now off to sleep. Appreciate the little things in life...especially when it is a good night's rest.
No comments:
Post a Comment