Just some thoughts...

So, as far as relationships go, I've had my fair share of it this past year.  I've learned what I want, and what I don't want in a relationship.  If I ever venture back into that territory, I have a clear idea of what I want.  I have also learned my faults, and where I have gone wrong.

First off, where I went wrong.  I know I did not communicate well enough, and I know I didn't appreciate enough of the little things.  I expected too much...I know I expressed my disappointment with things plenty of times when I did not acknowledge the little things that were being done on a daily basis. 

Some people say relationships are about "give and take."  I think that is wrong.  Relationships should be about giving and sharing.  When you say that a relationship is about give and take, it puts the wrong idea in people's heads.  It's not about what you give to/do for me and what I give to/do for you.  It's about appreciating the other person on a daily basis.  It's not about material things, giving gifts, etc...sure, those things are nice, but not necessary.  It is not about what you give to me and what I take and vice versa.  That's not a relationship.  What is more important to me is being respected and treated like a human being.

I am not a doll.  I am who I am, and that is not going to change.  I like the person I am now.  I think I'm pretty darn cool.  I understand some guys like certain things, certain clothes...I'm really not a person to wear pink.  I think I own three pink things...now, anyways.  I'm more in favor of the neutral colors, and will occasionally wear red (for hockey, of course). 
Not many guys mind the hockey thing.  Yes, I am a Caps fan.  I'm also a Skins fan (I know, I know).  I don't really follow football much or baseball.
I have tattoos...nine of them, in fact.  I want more.  Yes, I have tattoos on my upper back and shoulders.  No, I did not think of "wearing a wedding dress" when I got them.  Chances are, if I ever do get married (IF), they will be visible.  Do I care?  Absolutely not.  They are a part of me, I got them for a reason, and they are pretty.  They aren't going anywhere.
And along those same lines...I have piercings.  My ears are gauged to a 4 ga.  Maybe once I grow up a little more I'll take them out and let them close a little.  They won't ever close all the way, and that is a choice I made when I was younger.  I have piercings in my ears, nose, tongue...that's it.  For the time being, they are all staying where they are.

My schedule...hectic.  I have bills to pay, and I do like going out and having fun.  My class/clinical schedule doesn't allow for much leniency,  I work long hours, and I like to relax and unwind at the end of the day.  I do like curling up on the couch and watching TV or a movie, but I am sleep deprived (doctor told me so), so the chances of me falling asleep are high.  If that is a problem, then I can just go to sleep, however, when I get home from work, that is what I do.  Also, I work certain events every year.  Some of them I enjoy working because of the type of event, others I'm expected to be there by the event organizers because of my experience working said event.  I'm not going to pass these up.  In addition, I'm a pretty good babysitter, and spend a lot of my evenings watching little ones for people I work with.  I used to consider it practice, but now I just do it because I enjoy it.
I do make time, but until I am in the position where I have a career and a set schedule, I have to work extra to get all my bases covered.

A relationship is about being there for the other person.  I know that there were times I failed at this, but this was another issue...my dad is great, but his health is not.  There have been times when I've gotten a phone call and had to leave Baltimore with short notice.  My brothers and I have banded together and help out where we can, but the thing is that until my brother is back from overseas, it's just me and Mike, and I'm not putting all the medical issues on him.  It's not fair.  If something happens, I don't need someone there by my side (though it is nice), I just need to know that if I need something taken care of while I'm out of town, that person will be there to help.

On that note...yeah I really like to do things myself.  I think someone put it best when he said "Be helpful when the situation arises, but don't try to force the situation to occur."  I'm so used to doing everything on my own, I really don't know when to ask for help.  I just make it happen. 
 I do have strong opinions about some things, but with most things on a daily basis I'm pretty laid back.  I still stand by what I said a year ago...if I can do something about it, great.  If not, don't dwell on the issue.  Move on to something productive.

My family is very important to me.  My brother Mike is one of my best friends.  Also, my brothers have a bunch of friends that I consider brothers.  We hang out, we laugh, we play games, we drink.  We have a blast.  I have gone out in the middle of the night to help my brothers when they call.  It happens...and I guess I'm like a big sister to them all.
My family is also very protective of me.  My dad, mom, Dave, and Mike...and all the other brothers.  I don't know why...I can handle myself, but they still want to show their force.

I was so close last night to just packing up and leaving.  Thanks to a friend for being there and telling me not to let my head hang low.  Yes I have made mistakes.  Yes there are things I am not proud of.  I have to live with them.  Unfortunately, some people choose to talk about others and their personal business to take the attention away from their own issues.

Am I ready to be in a relationship again?  Absolutely not.  Do I want to be in a relationship again?  Not really.  I  won't lie...I've been hurt.  I've been broken down....destroyed.  I have nothing left to offer anyone, only bits and pieces of what used to be.  Hanging out, enjoying myself...I'll do that.  I am focusing on school at this point, and once I finish class, who knows what that will bring. 

I know that there's more to say, but it's late, and I'm going to try for more sleep while I have the opportunity.
More to come after the weekend.

Sumtimes...

What I excel in best
Is my excessiveness
Self deprecation
I hate myself sometimes
How can I be down when all that I want is in my reach
What's wrong with me?
Fuck it

Sumtimes I can feel so touch and go
Sumtimes as my self esteem is low
Sumtimes...at least I know sumtimes I'm beautiful
Beautiful

And if I wasn’t me
I’d still just laugh at me
And point the finger
And blame myself as well
I will not succumb to any of my peers
I’m in control
and I'm losing it
Fuck it

Sumtimes I can feel so touch and go
Sumtimes as my self esteem is low
Sumtimes…well at least I know sumtimes I’m beautiful
Beautiful
Sumtimes as my feelings coincide
Sumtimes while I struggle to survive
Sumtimes…well at least I know sumtimes I’ll be alright
Be alright

Taproot - Sumtimes ( Music as a weapon II )

This has to be said...

Alright, now you all know that Chris and I ended our relationship.  This happened around the middle of October.  I have some things I need to say to clear the air and clear up any misconceptions about either party.

Anything I said in regards to Chris and I arguing or him yelling at me was a lie.  Such events never took place.  I only spoke of them to make myself look better in the relationship when I was failing to be a good girlfriend.  He did not yell.  We did not waste time with arguments.  They never happened, and I'm sorry to anyone that may have heard these lies from myself or someone else.  It was wrong of me to "air our dirty laundry," even though it was, in fact, a fallacy.  He did many wonderful things for me, took me on short getaways and even sent and brought me things at work, just to show he was grateful and thinking about me.  I did no such things for him. I never really appreciated anything he did for me, and I did nothing to show him how much I cared.  The relationship ended because I did not have time to put forth the effort to make this work...or, more accurately, I could not manage my time well enough to make the relationship work, and I took him for granted.  I should have learned my lesson by now, given the fact that I have destroyed three relationships in a year.  And, in doing so, I have destroyed three wonderful men as well.  I am deeply, truly sorry for that.  I know nothing I can say or do can fix the damage I have done, and this is by no means meant to attempt that.  This is just me, in front of you, apologizing for the lies and trying to clear the good name of a wonderful person and a fantastic paramedic.  Thank you all for your time and patience with me on this matter. 

Again, I am extremely sorry for the false information I provided, and for any pain I may have caused anyone as a result.