So, as far as relationships go, I've had my fair share of it this past year. I've learned what I want, and what I don't want in a relationship. If I ever venture back into that territory, I have a clear idea of what I want. I have also learned my faults, and where I have gone wrong.
First off, where I went wrong. I know I did not communicate well enough, and I know I didn't appreciate enough of the little things. I expected too much...I know I expressed my disappointment with things plenty of times when I did not acknowledge the little things that were being done on a daily basis.
Some people say relationships are about "give and take." I think that is wrong. Relationships should be about giving and sharing. When you say that a relationship is about give and take, it puts the wrong idea in people's heads. It's not about what you give to/do for me and what I give to/do for you. It's about appreciating the other person on a daily basis. It's not about material things, giving gifts, etc...sure, those things are nice, but not necessary. It is not about what you give to me and what I take and vice versa. That's not a relationship. What is more important to me is being respected and treated like a human being.
I am not a doll. I am who I am, and that is not going to change. I like the person I am now. I think I'm pretty darn cool. I understand some guys like certain things, certain clothes...I'm really not a person to wear pink. I think I own three pink things...now, anyways. I'm more in favor of the neutral colors, and will occasionally wear red (for hockey, of course).
Not many guys mind the hockey thing. Yes, I am a Caps fan. I'm also a Skins fan (I know, I know). I don't really follow football much or baseball.
I have tattoos...nine of them, in fact. I want more. Yes, I have tattoos on my upper back and shoulders. No, I did not think of "wearing a wedding dress" when I got them. Chances are, if I ever do get married (IF), they will be visible. Do I care? Absolutely not. They are a part of me, I got them for a reason, and they are pretty. They aren't going anywhere.
And along those same lines...I have piercings. My ears are gauged to a 4 ga. Maybe once I grow up a little more I'll take them out and let them close a little. They won't ever close all the way, and that is a choice I made when I was younger. I have piercings in my ears, nose, tongue...that's it. For the time being, they are all staying where they are.
My schedule...hectic. I have bills to pay, and I do like going out and having fun. My class/clinical schedule doesn't allow for much leniency, I work long hours, and I like to relax and unwind at the end of the day. I do like curling up on the couch and watching TV or a movie, but I am sleep deprived (doctor told me so), so the chances of me falling asleep are high. If that is a problem, then I can just go to sleep, however, when I get home from work, that is what I do. Also, I work certain events every year. Some of them I enjoy working because of the type of event, others I'm expected to be there by the event organizers because of my experience working said event. I'm not going to pass these up. In addition, I'm a pretty good babysitter, and spend a lot of my evenings watching little ones for people I work with. I used to consider it practice, but now I just do it because I enjoy it.
I do make time, but until I am in the position where I have a career and a set schedule, I have to work extra to get all my bases covered.
A relationship is about being there for the other person. I know that there were times I failed at this, but this was another issue...my dad is great, but his health is not. There have been times when I've gotten a phone call and had to leave Baltimore with short notice. My brothers and I have banded together and help out where we can, but the thing is that until my brother is back from overseas, it's just me and Mike, and I'm not putting all the medical issues on him. It's not fair. If something happens, I don't need someone there by my side (though it is nice), I just need to know that if I need something taken care of while I'm out of town, that person will be there to help.
On that note...yeah I really like to do things myself. I think someone put it best when he said "Be helpful when the situation arises, but don't try to force the situation to occur." I'm so used to doing everything on my own, I really don't know when to ask for help. I just make it happen.
I do have strong opinions about some things, but with most things on a daily basis I'm pretty laid back. I still stand by what I said a year ago...if I can do something about it, great. If not, don't dwell on the issue. Move on to something productive.
My family is very important to me. My brother Mike is one of my best friends. Also, my brothers have a bunch of friends that I consider brothers. We hang out, we laugh, we play games, we drink. We have a blast. I have gone out in the middle of the night to help my brothers when they call. It happens...and I guess I'm like a big sister to them all.
My family is also very protective of me. My dad, mom, Dave, and Mike...and all the other brothers. I don't know why...I can handle myself, but they still want to show their force.
I was so close last night to just packing up and leaving. Thanks to a friend for being there and telling me not to let my head hang low. Yes I have made mistakes. Yes there are things I am not proud of. I have to live with them. Unfortunately, some people choose to talk about others and their personal business to take the attention away from their own issues.
Am I ready to be in a relationship again? Absolutely not. Do I want to be in a relationship again? Not really. I won't lie...I've been hurt. I've been broken down....destroyed. I have nothing left to offer anyone, only bits and pieces of what used to be. Hanging out, enjoying myself...I'll do that. I am focusing on school at this point, and once I finish class, who knows what that will bring.
I know that there's more to say, but it's late, and I'm going to try for more sleep while I have the opportunity.
More to come after the weekend.
I like what you said...a relationship is about giving and sharing. The right place to be to get a good, healthy relationship is not finding someone who complements you or to add something your life is missing. It's finding the person you want to SHARE your life with. The person who's only going to make it more enjoyable and add..."flavor"...to it. I can tell you, Shannon and I do not have the same interests. We do not always agree on things. We don't always make each others lives simpler. But at the end of the day, we just enjoy having each other AROUND to experience life together.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what you mean by "packing it all up and leaving"...but you need to do right by yourself. If you feel like a new location would help you, I say don't be afraid to do it. Granted, the medical stuff with your dad would probably tend to keep you pretty local, but I wouldn't look at moving to a different place as necessarily turning your back on people here.
Hang in there, and just do right by you for now. When things are right, they will fall into place.
Joe,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your thoughts on this. It's so good to hear another take on this from someone who is impartial. I appreciate your view...and I know you and Shannon have been through a lot. You have a bond that is so incredibly strong. I wish that someday I could have that with someone. At this point in my life, I'm not sure that will happen, but there might be a small bead of faith left in me. I think you are right about what you said...it's about finding someone to complement me, not be identical to me. I do wish I had that one person to enjoy experiencing life with...it's just after the last year I don't know how likely that will be.
I was thinking about moving back home. I could be closer to my parents (like down the hall), but I would have to find a job down there and leave paramedic class...neither of which I want to do.
Thank you so much Joe. I am going to focus on me for now, and continue to hang out with my friends and enjoy myself. I'm keeping you, Shannon, and your family in my prayers. Thanks for keeping in touch and giving me your thoughts. :)