Five years has gone by. It's pretty amazing. I know he's been watching over me. I know he's proud of a lot of the things that I have done, and not so proud of others, but I've come out of those experiences a better person.
In the words of a very good friend of mine, "Don't be ashamed of it. Embrace it." I think my brother Sean would agree. There is no way to go back and change the past, only embrace the mistakes you have made and continue on, not to repeat them. I'm never going to repeat those mistakes. That's not the person I am, and certainly not the person I ever want to be.
Sean certainly was a voice of reason for me. We'd meet up for lunch, talk, text, email...I miss that so much. Probably the random phone calls and text messages. I still keep the phone I had five years ago with his last Happy Birthday text message. He's still listed as a contact in my phone. I know it's been a long time, but I haven't reached that point where I feel the closure to delete it. I did not expect to have to eulogize my 36 year old brother when I was 23 years old. What do I remember most about the day of his memorial service? Going up to the coffin and touching his hand, feeling how cold it was. I go back and forth on that; part of me wishes that I had never touched his hand because then I would not still have that lingering cold feeling on my fingers. Part of me is glad that I did because I never got the hug goodbye that I so desperately long for.
And as I sit here and write this, I have tears just streaming down my face. I can't help it. Maybe I am just overly sensitive with this, but I have to say something about it. He was one of the most important people in my life. I'm upset that his daughter will grow up without a father. I'm upset that he never finished his degree. I'm upset that shortly before he died, he met someone who truly made him happy and treated him like gold. I'm happy that they had the few months together that they did, but I so wish they had more time together to really make their relationship grow.
I miss my big brother. I know I have my two younger brothers and a bunch of "brothers" now to stand by me and be there for me when I need it, but I don't have my big brother. No offense to you guys, but he and I had a pretty tight bond. I still remember how terrified I was to go in his room because of his Nightmare on Elm Street poster and the matching Freddy glove. He also had a collection of scary masks and gloves...imagine being a kid, sitting there in the chair watching cartoons and all of a sudden these gorilla hands are on your shoulders. Yeah, it was a blast. That's what big brothers are for...that and to strike fear into any guy that wants to date me, but my dad and brothers Dave and Mike are good for that too... He never got the opportunity to do any of that.
I do miss him. I'm sure you've gathered that by now. He was certainly a role model...working his way through his company from the ground up, and even being given credit for helping bring his company to the status it is today. They even dedicated their training room at their U.S. headquarters to him. All my friends thought it was so cool that my brother worked for Games Workshop. I still think it was pretty darn awesome. He contributed a lot to the company, and, until his daughter was born, dedicated his life to that company.
Anyways, this is the first post I've made in months. Sorry it's so sad, but I needed to express myself about the significance of today. And I'll probably be adding to it as I can think of more, so I don't lose the memories of him.
Another post to come in a few days.
I remember that day when I saw you talking with Jon standing near the Commons. Both of you guys dressed in black. I was bit curious on just what happened there. You said, "My brother just died." I stood still for few seconds and my face kinda turn red. I said "Wow" I'll never forget that.
ReplyDeleteI remember that too. It's ok...we dressed in black often but never really "dressed up" in black. I also remember you, along with a few others at the radio station, had many kind words to say and were very supportive during that time. Thank you, Limin.
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