So, as far as relationships go, I've had my fair share of it this past year. I've learned what I want, and what I don't want in a relationship. If I ever venture back into that territory, I have a clear idea of what I want. I have also learned my faults, and where I have gone wrong.
First off, where I went wrong. I know I did not communicate well enough, and I know I didn't appreciate enough of the little things. I expected too much...I know I expressed my disappointment with things plenty of times when I did not acknowledge the little things that were being done on a daily basis.
Some people say relationships are about "give and take." I think that is wrong. Relationships should be about giving and sharing. When you say that a relationship is about give and take, it puts the wrong idea in people's heads. It's not about what you give to/do for me and what I give to/do for you. It's about appreciating the other person on a daily basis. It's not about material things, giving gifts, etc...sure, those things are nice, but not necessary. It is not about what you give to me and what I take and vice versa. That's not a relationship. What is more important to me is being respected and treated like a human being.
I am not a doll. I am who I am, and that is not going to change. I like the person I am now. I think I'm pretty darn cool. I understand some guys like certain things, certain clothes...I'm really not a person to wear pink. I think I own three pink things...now, anyways. I'm more in favor of the neutral colors, and will occasionally wear red (for hockey, of course).
Not many guys mind the hockey thing. Yes, I am a Caps fan. I'm also a Skins fan (I know, I know). I don't really follow football much or baseball.
I have tattoos...nine of them, in fact. I want more. Yes, I have tattoos on my upper back and shoulders. No, I did not think of "wearing a wedding dress" when I got them. Chances are, if I ever do get married (IF), they will be visible. Do I care? Absolutely not. They are a part of me, I got them for a reason, and they are pretty. They aren't going anywhere.
And along those same lines...I have piercings. My ears are gauged to a 4 ga. Maybe once I grow up a little more I'll take them out and let them close a little. They won't ever close all the way, and that is a choice I made when I was younger. I have piercings in my ears, nose, tongue...that's it. For the time being, they are all staying where they are.
My schedule...hectic. I have bills to pay, and I do like going out and having fun. My class/clinical schedule doesn't allow for much leniency, I work long hours, and I like to relax and unwind at the end of the day. I do like curling up on the couch and watching TV or a movie, but I am sleep deprived (doctor told me so), so the chances of me falling asleep are high. If that is a problem, then I can just go to sleep, however, when I get home from work, that is what I do. Also, I work certain events every year. Some of them I enjoy working because of the type of event, others I'm expected to be there by the event organizers because of my experience working said event. I'm not going to pass these up. In addition, I'm a pretty good babysitter, and spend a lot of my evenings watching little ones for people I work with. I used to consider it practice, but now I just do it because I enjoy it.
I do make time, but until I am in the position where I have a career and a set schedule, I have to work extra to get all my bases covered.
A relationship is about being there for the other person. I know that there were times I failed at this, but this was another issue...my dad is great, but his health is not. There have been times when I've gotten a phone call and had to leave Baltimore with short notice. My brothers and I have banded together and help out where we can, but the thing is that until my brother is back from overseas, it's just me and Mike, and I'm not putting all the medical issues on him. It's not fair. If something happens, I don't need someone there by my side (though it is nice), I just need to know that if I need something taken care of while I'm out of town, that person will be there to help.
On that note...yeah I really like to do things myself. I think someone put it best when he said "Be helpful when the situation arises, but don't try to force the situation to occur." I'm so used to doing everything on my own, I really don't know when to ask for help. I just make it happen.
I do have strong opinions about some things, but with most things on a daily basis I'm pretty laid back. I still stand by what I said a year ago...if I can do something about it, great. If not, don't dwell on the issue. Move on to something productive.
My family is very important to me. My brother Mike is one of my best friends. Also, my brothers have a bunch of friends that I consider brothers. We hang out, we laugh, we play games, we drink. We have a blast. I have gone out in the middle of the night to help my brothers when they call. It happens...and I guess I'm like a big sister to them all.
My family is also very protective of me. My dad, mom, Dave, and Mike...and all the other brothers. I don't know why...I can handle myself, but they still want to show their force.
I was so close last night to just packing up and leaving. Thanks to a friend for being there and telling me not to let my head hang low. Yes I have made mistakes. Yes there are things I am not proud of. I have to live with them. Unfortunately, some people choose to talk about others and their personal business to take the attention away from their own issues.
Am I ready to be in a relationship again? Absolutely not. Do I want to be in a relationship again? Not really. I won't lie...I've been hurt. I've been broken down....destroyed. I have nothing left to offer anyone, only bits and pieces of what used to be. Hanging out, enjoying myself...I'll do that. I am focusing on school at this point, and once I finish class, who knows what that will bring.
I know that there's more to say, but it's late, and I'm going to try for more sleep while I have the opportunity.
More to come after the weekend.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Sumtimes...
What I excel in best
Is my excessiveness
Self deprecation
I hate myself sometimes
How can I be down when all that I want is in my reach
What's wrong with me?
Fuck it
Sumtimes I can feel so touch and go
Sumtimes as my self esteem is low
Sumtimes...at least I know sumtimes I'm beautiful
Beautiful
And if I wasn’t me
I’d still just laugh at me
And point the finger
And blame myself as well
I will not succumb to any of my peers
I’m in control
and I'm losing it
Fuck it
Sumtimes I can feel so touch and go
Sumtimes as my self esteem is low
Sumtimes…well at least I know sumtimes I’m beautiful
Beautiful
Sumtimes as my feelings coincide
Sumtimes while I struggle to survive
Sumtimes…well at least I know sumtimes I’ll be alright
Be alright
Is my excessiveness
Self deprecation
I hate myself sometimes
How can I be down when all that I want is in my reach
What's wrong with me?
Fuck it
Sumtimes I can feel so touch and go
Sumtimes as my self esteem is low
Sumtimes...at least I know sumtimes I'm beautiful
Beautiful
And if I wasn’t me
I’d still just laugh at me
And point the finger
And blame myself as well
I will not succumb to any of my peers
I’m in control
and I'm losing it
Fuck it
Sumtimes I can feel so touch and go
Sumtimes as my self esteem is low
Sumtimes…well at least I know sumtimes I’m beautiful
Beautiful
Sumtimes as my feelings coincide
Sumtimes while I struggle to survive
Sumtimes…well at least I know sumtimes I’ll be alright
Be alright
Thursday, November 17, 2011
This has to be said...
Alright, now you all know that Chris and I ended our relationship. This happened around the middle of October. I have some things I need to say to clear the air and clear up any misconceptions about either party.
Anything I said in regards to Chris and I arguing or him yelling at me was a lie. Such events never took place. I only spoke of them to make myself look better in the relationship when I was failing to be a good girlfriend. He did not yell. We did not waste time with arguments. They never happened, and I'm sorry to anyone that may have heard these lies from myself or someone else. It was wrong of me to "air our dirty laundry," even though it was, in fact, a fallacy. He did many wonderful things for me, took me on short getaways and even sent and brought me things at work, just to show he was grateful and thinking about me. I did no such things for him. I never really appreciated anything he did for me, and I did nothing to show him how much I cared. The relationship ended because I did not have time to put forth the effort to make this work...or, more accurately, I could not manage my time well enough to make the relationship work, and I took him for granted. I should have learned my lesson by now, given the fact that I have destroyed three relationships in a year. And, in doing so, I have destroyed three wonderful men as well. I am deeply, truly sorry for that. I know nothing I can say or do can fix the damage I have done, and this is by no means meant to attempt that. This is just me, in front of you, apologizing for the lies and trying to clear the good name of a wonderful person and a fantastic paramedic. Thank you all for your time and patience with me on this matter.
Again, I am extremely sorry for the false information I provided, and for any pain I may have caused anyone as a result.
Anything I said in regards to Chris and I arguing or him yelling at me was a lie. Such events never took place. I only spoke of them to make myself look better in the relationship when I was failing to be a good girlfriend. He did not yell. We did not waste time with arguments. They never happened, and I'm sorry to anyone that may have heard these lies from myself or someone else. It was wrong of me to "air our dirty laundry," even though it was, in fact, a fallacy. He did many wonderful things for me, took me on short getaways and even sent and brought me things at work, just to show he was grateful and thinking about me. I did no such things for him. I never really appreciated anything he did for me, and I did nothing to show him how much I cared. The relationship ended because I did not have time to put forth the effort to make this work...or, more accurately, I could not manage my time well enough to make the relationship work, and I took him for granted. I should have learned my lesson by now, given the fact that I have destroyed three relationships in a year. And, in doing so, I have destroyed three wonderful men as well. I am deeply, truly sorry for that. I know nothing I can say or do can fix the damage I have done, and this is by no means meant to attempt that. This is just me, in front of you, apologizing for the lies and trying to clear the good name of a wonderful person and a fantastic paramedic. Thank you all for your time and patience with me on this matter.
Again, I am extremely sorry for the false information I provided, and for any pain I may have caused anyone as a result.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Sean Michael Forbes, 1970-2006
Five years has gone by. It's pretty amazing. I know he's been watching over me. I know he's proud of a lot of the things that I have done, and not so proud of others, but I've come out of those experiences a better person.
In the words of a very good friend of mine, "Don't be ashamed of it. Embrace it." I think my brother Sean would agree. There is no way to go back and change the past, only embrace the mistakes you have made and continue on, not to repeat them. I'm never going to repeat those mistakes. That's not the person I am, and certainly not the person I ever want to be.
Sean certainly was a voice of reason for me. We'd meet up for lunch, talk, text, email...I miss that so much. Probably the random phone calls and text messages. I still keep the phone I had five years ago with his last Happy Birthday text message. He's still listed as a contact in my phone. I know it's been a long time, but I haven't reached that point where I feel the closure to delete it. I did not expect to have to eulogize my 36 year old brother when I was 23 years old. What do I remember most about the day of his memorial service? Going up to the coffin and touching his hand, feeling how cold it was. I go back and forth on that; part of me wishes that I had never touched his hand because then I would not still have that lingering cold feeling on my fingers. Part of me is glad that I did because I never got the hug goodbye that I so desperately long for.
And as I sit here and write this, I have tears just streaming down my face. I can't help it. Maybe I am just overly sensitive with this, but I have to say something about it. He was one of the most important people in my life. I'm upset that his daughter will grow up without a father. I'm upset that he never finished his degree. I'm upset that shortly before he died, he met someone who truly made him happy and treated him like gold. I'm happy that they had the few months together that they did, but I so wish they had more time together to really make their relationship grow.
I miss my big brother. I know I have my two younger brothers and a bunch of "brothers" now to stand by me and be there for me when I need it, but I don't have my big brother. No offense to you guys, but he and I had a pretty tight bond. I still remember how terrified I was to go in his room because of his Nightmare on Elm Street poster and the matching Freddy glove. He also had a collection of scary masks and gloves...imagine being a kid, sitting there in the chair watching cartoons and all of a sudden these gorilla hands are on your shoulders. Yeah, it was a blast. That's what big brothers are for...that and to strike fear into any guy that wants to date me, but my dad and brothers Dave and Mike are good for that too... He never got the opportunity to do any of that.
I do miss him. I'm sure you've gathered that by now. He was certainly a role model...working his way through his company from the ground up, and even being given credit for helping bring his company to the status it is today. They even dedicated their training room at their U.S. headquarters to him. All my friends thought it was so cool that my brother worked for Games Workshop. I still think it was pretty darn awesome. He contributed a lot to the company, and, until his daughter was born, dedicated his life to that company.
Anyways, this is the first post I've made in months. Sorry it's so sad, but I needed to express myself about the significance of today. And I'll probably be adding to it as I can think of more, so I don't lose the memories of him.
Another post to come in a few days.
In the words of a very good friend of mine, "Don't be ashamed of it. Embrace it." I think my brother Sean would agree. There is no way to go back and change the past, only embrace the mistakes you have made and continue on, not to repeat them. I'm never going to repeat those mistakes. That's not the person I am, and certainly not the person I ever want to be.
Sean certainly was a voice of reason for me. We'd meet up for lunch, talk, text, email...I miss that so much. Probably the random phone calls and text messages. I still keep the phone I had five years ago with his last Happy Birthday text message. He's still listed as a contact in my phone. I know it's been a long time, but I haven't reached that point where I feel the closure to delete it. I did not expect to have to eulogize my 36 year old brother when I was 23 years old. What do I remember most about the day of his memorial service? Going up to the coffin and touching his hand, feeling how cold it was. I go back and forth on that; part of me wishes that I had never touched his hand because then I would not still have that lingering cold feeling on my fingers. Part of me is glad that I did because I never got the hug goodbye that I so desperately long for.
And as I sit here and write this, I have tears just streaming down my face. I can't help it. Maybe I am just overly sensitive with this, but I have to say something about it. He was one of the most important people in my life. I'm upset that his daughter will grow up without a father. I'm upset that he never finished his degree. I'm upset that shortly before he died, he met someone who truly made him happy and treated him like gold. I'm happy that they had the few months together that they did, but I so wish they had more time together to really make their relationship grow.
I miss my big brother. I know I have my two younger brothers and a bunch of "brothers" now to stand by me and be there for me when I need it, but I don't have my big brother. No offense to you guys, but he and I had a pretty tight bond. I still remember how terrified I was to go in his room because of his Nightmare on Elm Street poster and the matching Freddy glove. He also had a collection of scary masks and gloves...imagine being a kid, sitting there in the chair watching cartoons and all of a sudden these gorilla hands are on your shoulders. Yeah, it was a blast. That's what big brothers are for...that and to strike fear into any guy that wants to date me, but my dad and brothers Dave and Mike are good for that too... He never got the opportunity to do any of that.
I do miss him. I'm sure you've gathered that by now. He was certainly a role model...working his way through his company from the ground up, and even being given credit for helping bring his company to the status it is today. They even dedicated their training room at their U.S. headquarters to him. All my friends thought it was so cool that my brother worked for Games Workshop. I still think it was pretty darn awesome. He contributed a lot to the company, and, until his daughter was born, dedicated his life to that company.
Anyways, this is the first post I've made in months. Sorry it's so sad, but I needed to express myself about the significance of today. And I'll probably be adding to it as I can think of more, so I don't lose the memories of him.
Another post to come in a few days.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Another Year...
Just because my birthday is tomorrow, I figured it's a good time to reflect on (some) of the events over the past year.
I've made it through one year of paramedic school...Hooray!! Only one more year to go. I've had quite a few excellent experiences, seen things some experienced medics haven't, and gotten to do some pretty wicked skills. I'm loving every minute of it.
Not much else has changed. I have grown quite a bit as a person, and taken some huge steps in my life...damn I feel like an adult lol.
I picked up a bad habit again...though I'm dropping it after All Good. I've got motivation...
I became single again...twice. Not that it's a bad thing...to quote someone "when you least expect it in the most random places"...yes, random indeed. To those that want to call me a hypocrite...bite me. If anything, people should be happy for me (I suppose that's the princess in me coming out, huh?). I have learned not to put all my eggs in one basket. I am somewhat pessimistic, but really, who can blame me?
And as for the asshole...I gotta love being greeted by "Is there some reason why you're not answering your phone?" EXCUSE ME?!?!? Who the fuck do you think you are?? I don't have to answer to you anymore dickhead. You can't check up on me, go through my phone, track everything I do anymore. I have nothing to say to you. Give me back my goddamn keys and stay out of my life.
Yes, I have met someone. Am I betting it all? Hell no, so far I've got a new friend who I enjoy spending time with and, strangely enough, have a lot in common with. I gotta lay out some rationale here though...I have no expectations. Are there things I would like to happen? Hell yes. My problem is (sorry to a certain someone out there) that every time I've expected a guy to do something, I've been disappointed (with the exception of this past Monday...I've had that idea for like 10 years and it finally happened :D). I would love to go along with having expectations and having them met...it's just so damn hard for me. The last thing I want is to feel that again. I know there are many disappointments in life, it's just, well, I feel like it's all I've had.
As I'm writing this, I have been thinking. I've got a great idea, and hopefully it will pay off. I think it's for the best...I'm wiping the slate clean. I have been hurt and let down, but I cannot and WILL NOT let that affect any new adventure I may be getting myself into. If you want me to have expectations, I will have expectations. I'm not going to set the bar high...I can't hold anyone to the high standards I have just yet. I want to start from scratch, see how things go. I am still in disbelief as to how this all came about, but whatever...I'm going with it. Nothing but good things thus far.
And by the way, I did mean what I said about my birthday. My parents are taking me out to dinner, and I expect nothing else on my birthday. I'm not officially in a relationship (unless I missed the memo...entirely possible with my ADHD and hectic schedule), therefore hugs and kisses and an easy night at work is all I'm hoping for.
All Good in t-minus 4 days...thank God Sean Myers is going, otherwise I'd end up smoking a whole carton over there.
Damn, what a year it's been. In two I'll be thirty...hahahaha that's going to be awesome. I think, however, that it will be the deciding year for me. More on that later.
In closing, I gotta say this...I miss you Sean. Happy birthday big brother. Just five years ago tomorrow you bought me a beer, met some of my closest friends, and we celebrated together for the last time. It still hurts kids...he was a role model for me. I looked up to him. He worked hard, worked for everything he had, and made his way up through the company from the bottom. The training center at the US headquarters of his company is dedicated to him. He was an amazing man, a wonderful father, and the best big brother a girl could ask for...Rest in Peace, Sean...
I've made it through one year of paramedic school...Hooray!! Only one more year to go. I've had quite a few excellent experiences, seen things some experienced medics haven't, and gotten to do some pretty wicked skills. I'm loving every minute of it.
Not much else has changed. I have grown quite a bit as a person, and taken some huge steps in my life...damn I feel like an adult lol.
I picked up a bad habit again...though I'm dropping it after All Good. I've got motivation...
I became single again...twice. Not that it's a bad thing...to quote someone "when you least expect it in the most random places"...yes, random indeed. To those that want to call me a hypocrite...bite me. If anything, people should be happy for me (I suppose that's the princess in me coming out, huh?). I have learned not to put all my eggs in one basket. I am somewhat pessimistic, but really, who can blame me?
And as for the asshole...I gotta love being greeted by "Is there some reason why you're not answering your phone?" EXCUSE ME?!?!? Who the fuck do you think you are?? I don't have to answer to you anymore dickhead. You can't check up on me, go through my phone, track everything I do anymore. I have nothing to say to you. Give me back my goddamn keys and stay out of my life.
Yes, I have met someone. Am I betting it all? Hell no, so far I've got a new friend who I enjoy spending time with and, strangely enough, have a lot in common with. I gotta lay out some rationale here though...I have no expectations. Are there things I would like to happen? Hell yes. My problem is (sorry to a certain someone out there) that every time I've expected a guy to do something, I've been disappointed (with the exception of this past Monday...I've had that idea for like 10 years and it finally happened :D). I would love to go along with having expectations and having them met...it's just so damn hard for me. The last thing I want is to feel that again. I know there are many disappointments in life, it's just, well, I feel like it's all I've had.
As I'm writing this, I have been thinking. I've got a great idea, and hopefully it will pay off. I think it's for the best...I'm wiping the slate clean. I have been hurt and let down, but I cannot and WILL NOT let that affect any new adventure I may be getting myself into. If you want me to have expectations, I will have expectations. I'm not going to set the bar high...I can't hold anyone to the high standards I have just yet. I want to start from scratch, see how things go. I am still in disbelief as to how this all came about, but whatever...I'm going with it. Nothing but good things thus far.
And by the way, I did mean what I said about my birthday. My parents are taking me out to dinner, and I expect nothing else on my birthday. I'm not officially in a relationship (unless I missed the memo...entirely possible with my ADHD and hectic schedule), therefore hugs and kisses and an easy night at work is all I'm hoping for.
All Good in t-minus 4 days...thank God Sean Myers is going, otherwise I'd end up smoking a whole carton over there.
Damn, what a year it's been. In two I'll be thirty...hahahaha that's going to be awesome. I think, however, that it will be the deciding year for me. More on that later.
In closing, I gotta say this...I miss you Sean. Happy birthday big brother. Just five years ago tomorrow you bought me a beer, met some of my closest friends, and we celebrated together for the last time. It still hurts kids...he was a role model for me. I looked up to him. He worked hard, worked for everything he had, and made his way up through the company from the bottom. The training center at the US headquarters of his company is dedicated to him. He was an amazing man, a wonderful father, and the best big brother a girl could ask for...Rest in Peace, Sean...
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Nota bene
Ok, so I've got to put this out there. I'm working on my birthday. Partly because I didn't want to give anyone the opportunity to take me out...partly because I haven't celebrated my birthday in 5 years, so why start now?
Some people say this is a piss-poor outlook...if you don't know the background story, here goes nothing:
Five years ago this October I lost my older brother Sean...someone whom I had looked up to my entire life. His birthday was the 9th, mine the 10th, so until he grew up and moved out we had always celebrated birthdays together, and at least called or texted each other on our birthdays after that. In 2006, we got together and went out to dinner with friends for our birthdays. He passed away less than 3 months later, the day before we were supposed to meet for lunch. I still get worked up about it...what can I say, I'm emotional. We've established that. (If anyone wants to go with me to his memorial at the Games Workshop headquarters, I'm going on October 5th).
So...yeah that's depressing, isn't it? Sorry to bring down the room.
Anyways, I have to say something else. I know before I said I didn't want to date or anything, but that will change. My only problems are as follows: I need someone who will...
-understand my crazy schedule
-love me for me
-at least have some understanding of the fire service, not necessarily be in the fire service
-trust me
These are minimum standards...believe me, there is much more, but given what happened the last time around, I have to put that out there.
Also, if I had rejected your advances, you cannot take this personally. I don't understand why anyone thinks that hitting a girl up RIGHT AFTER she gets dumped is a great idea (especially when that happened after a 4 month relationship, and before that I was with someone for 5 years). I suppose guys have this hero complex where they have to swoop in and save the damsel in distress? Do I look like a damsel in distress? I most certainly don't have the boobs for it anymore (as I was reminded today at the fire house)...though I do have a couple of pretty cute dresses (but nowhere to wear them lol)...
Yes, I did say that I have cute dresses...breathe people! Oh, and when we went out the the bar the other night, I wore a pink thin-strapped tank top. With ruffles. And makeup.
LMAO I'm beginning to wonder how many of my close friends have passed out after reading that. When I told Guthrie the other night "I can wear cute things like this now" he said "Who the hell are you?" (Guthrie and I have known each other for about 15 years).
So that is my sad, sad story for the week. Believe it or not, I'm doing a lot better. Still hurts, still stings like a bitch, but that will dissipate with time. I don't expect it to go away overnight.
It seems like every time I talk about something good that happens to me on here, someone has to go screw it up. Not this time...
Some people say this is a piss-poor outlook...if you don't know the background story, here goes nothing:
Five years ago this October I lost my older brother Sean...someone whom I had looked up to my entire life. His birthday was the 9th, mine the 10th, so until he grew up and moved out we had always celebrated birthdays together, and at least called or texted each other on our birthdays after that. In 2006, we got together and went out to dinner with friends for our birthdays. He passed away less than 3 months later, the day before we were supposed to meet for lunch. I still get worked up about it...what can I say, I'm emotional. We've established that. (If anyone wants to go with me to his memorial at the Games Workshop headquarters, I'm going on October 5th).
So...yeah that's depressing, isn't it? Sorry to bring down the room.
Anyways, I have to say something else. I know before I said I didn't want to date or anything, but that will change. My only problems are as follows: I need someone who will...
-understand my crazy schedule
-love me for me
-at least have some understanding of the fire service, not necessarily be in the fire service
-trust me
These are minimum standards...believe me, there is much more, but given what happened the last time around, I have to put that out there.
Also, if I had rejected your advances, you cannot take this personally. I don't understand why anyone thinks that hitting a girl up RIGHT AFTER she gets dumped is a great idea (especially when that happened after a 4 month relationship, and before that I was with someone for 5 years). I suppose guys have this hero complex where they have to swoop in and save the damsel in distress? Do I look like a damsel in distress? I most certainly don't have the boobs for it anymore (as I was reminded today at the fire house)...though I do have a couple of pretty cute dresses (but nowhere to wear them lol)...
Yes, I did say that I have cute dresses...breathe people! Oh, and when we went out the the bar the other night, I wore a pink thin-strapped tank top. With ruffles. And makeup.
LMAO I'm beginning to wonder how many of my close friends have passed out after reading that. When I told Guthrie the other night "I can wear cute things like this now" he said "Who the hell are you?" (Guthrie and I have known each other for about 15 years).
So that is my sad, sad story for the week. Believe it or not, I'm doing a lot better. Still hurts, still stings like a bitch, but that will dissipate with time. I don't expect it to go away overnight.
It seems like every time I talk about something good that happens to me on here, someone has to go screw it up. Not this time...
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