So...

...unbelievably happy. Passed the paramedic practical exam. Hardest exam done, now to finish clinicals and then I can take my written exam. So much to say, but going to wait until I'm done with clinicals. That is all for now.

OMG a Vacay...

I know once I get back to Baltimore, life will return to it's usual craziness in short order, so I figured I'd get a post in while I could.

Yeah, so if things don't pan out with this one job, I'll be moving here early next year.  And even if things go well with that job, I'm moving here after I'm done. 
I have not been this "at ease" in a long, long time.  And seriously...I know they are family but after knowing me in person only a few hours, they are opening up their homes to me to stay?  Not to mention how excited they all are that I want to come out here to work.. Unbelievable how different things are out here.

The crew from HCMC seemed to agree as well.  It's funny to meet a paramedic that actually enjoys their job.  Oh wait, not just one, but the FOUR that I rode with plus numerous other medics that I encountered there.  The toys they have are nice, but it's funny when they look at the MD protocols and say "that's it?"
I would talk about the calls I ran, but if you want to know details, I'll be happy to share what little I can in person.  Actually had a first for me on my ride along...amazing lol.

Sara's wedding?  Short and sweet.  She was such a beautiful bride!! I'm so happy she found a guy as awesome as Jake. My cousins couldn't get me on the dance floor for the bouquet toss, but they got me out to dance (thanks Jade and Jen!).  And besides...my aunt took care of catching the bouquet anyway! :)

Had a great talk with my cousin Dan.  My cousins are really more like brothers and sisters to me.  I realize that now after spending the weekend with them.  And Sara-I totally understand how you would be nervous with your uncles meeting Jake...I mean, if I had two uncles that were the size of linebackers, I'd be a little worried too.  But wait, I have two cousins the size of linebackers, so I think my dating life in the midwest would be A-OK :)

I'll be back to Minnesota for my cousin Maddi's 21st in September.  Also hopefully get another ride along and maybe an interview or two in while I can.  This place is gorgeous...heavenly.  I know the winters are rough and the summers...well I was told "DEET will be your friend"...nuff said.

I can honestly say I don't want to leave.  If I didn't have class on Monday, I wouldn't be going back east.  My cousins have all offered me a place to stay and help getting settled, as well as working their connections to help me get a job out here.  Really?  Who would turn this down?

My cousins...amazing.  I love each and every one of you!! In these few days I have realized how important family is.  Even if we had only been Facebook friends before, we are definitely closer now.  I know I would never be alone when I come out here.

Anyways, I have an early flight.  Got plenty to get to once I get back to Baltimore.  Notice how I didn't say "once I get home?"  Yeah....

Hi!

Yes, I'm still alive (much to the dismay of a few I'm sure).

Just wanted to say I'm still here...a recluse, but here.

That is all.

Drama

Last post deleted.

Why?  You people feed on the drama and try to start shit.

Me?  I'm trying to do something not only to make myself feel better and start my healing process after dealing with the abuse and increase awareness for people that may be in the same or similar situations, and people that aren't even on my friends list blow it out of proportion.

As he would say, that's just me being selfish again, and if it's not important to Steph it's not worth her concern.

That's what I get, and that's what I deserve.  Losing.

I'm done with this bullshit.  I was trying to help others and hoping he would get the help he needs...and yes, I did it to start to make myself feel better, but I'm told it was cold hearted and bitchy.

You haven't seen anything yet.

Fun Times...

Saw Jeff Dunham with my parents last night...hilarious!  I swear I was laughing so hard I was crying.  It was great.  I'm definitely going to have to get the DVD of that tour.

Slept in at the station last Thursday and this past Tuesday.  Also rode for a few hours Monday night, four calls total, no transports...it's ridiculous.  I can't wait til I finish this class and become a cleared ALS provider, so I can actually do something other than take vitals.  Had another crew come over and hang out with us Wednesday morning while we were bored at the station.  Ever since I moved out of the firehouse, I don't sleep there.  I just stay up and do homework.  So this crew came over...lots of laughs, lots of great times.  Funny thing is I'm usually going over to their station and hanging out there on my way home.

 I ended up having to work Wednesday morning at 0930.  So I was up for over 40 hours straight.  I was going to unattend the ambo at 0500 so I could go home, get a shower and get ready for work, but this is what we got dispatched for at 0459 on the BW Parkway:

So, needless to say, I didn't go home until 0630 after finishing my report and taking care of things there.  I'm spending a lot more time there lately.  I won't be captain next year, so that's exciting news!  Less responsibility there and more time to dedicate to my studies?  Heck yeah!  Plus maybe I can regain a social life, since it has been ruined by paramedic school, obligations, and that jerk.

Life?  Loving it.  My brother has about 75 days til he comes home from overseas!  My cousin is getting married in June...have to miss the rave but I get to see my family and spend a few days out there with them.  Not going to pass this up.  The rave will be there next year.

The sad thing is that my work schedule is about to suck terribly.  One of the fast track techs is out, so the other tech and I have to rearrange our schedules and split shifts to get it all covered.  There are also two techs out in the main ED, and with us coming into what in that past has been our busy season, saying it's going to be rough is probably an understatement.  The good thing is we have a great team and we have worked through worse.  We'll be fine...would just be nice if everyone would go and get their flu shots...thanks.

Life...fantastic.  Love taking each day as it comes...life is fun when it's so unpredictable.  I'm actually ok with that...believe it or not.  I get to spend time with my friend whenever we can...even if it is getting an upgrade. :)

Now, off to breakfast with my parents.  More to come before the new year.

Thanks...for everything

The last post was about reflecting on the last year.  I've done quite a bit of looking back lately.  Not saying I want to go back and change anything, just saying I'm looking over things.  These last two days, I've realized I have a hell of a lot to be thankful for.

A year ago I was in a completely different place.  Details aside, I had a lot of things going on.  Bottom line, I needed to grow up and move on, no matter what was said or done before Christmas.  That I have most certainly done. :) Have I forgotten?  Absolutely not.  We save our memories and learn from our mistakes...I think I've said this before...

Given everything that has transpired over the last year, before I make any resolutions, I figure I should look at the positive things...here goes nothing!

I'm thankful first for my family...including all my non-biological brothers and sisters.  My brothers have been there for me more than anything over the last year (I am grateful for my sisters, new and old).  It seemed like any time I stumbled, my brothers were there with hugs and drinks and offers to beat someone up.  I love them.  Especially with the last one...hell my brother is threatening him from another country and others are ready to stake out at my apartment, daring him to come by (my dad still wants to break his arms and legs)...I suppose that should be a warning to anyone that wants to take me out on a date, huh (seriously you won't treat me badly so you have nothing to worry about...relax).  My mom has been my voice of reason and reassurance...assuring me that it will get better, I will move past this, and these are just minor setbacks.  My brother Dave supporting me no matter what and being there for me when the shit hits the fan...and encouraging me to take more control over my life.  My brother Mike...coming up with the funniest yet most simple (not in a bad way) nicknames for the guys I have dated...he has kept me laughing through the tears.  My aunt who helped me regain the confidence I lost...I don't know what I would have done without my family this year.

My friends...old and new.  you guys (for the most part) have stood beside me no matter what...through some pretty poor decisions and through some of the best times ever.  I am so grateful to have people like you in my life.  I really can't say it enough.  I could go over every last detail...the nights staying up texting, the trips to the bar to vent, the comments here and on Facebook...I don't know how I'd be here without you all.  Luby for taking a trip with me one night and playing bodyguard, Francischelli for helping me change my life and get motivated to get healthy, Sean Myers for motivating me to quit smoking (5 months free and over $1000 saved!), Tommy for being there for me at every turn, Ms. Whipps for being a wonderful wife, Ben and El and Andy for helping me move all my crap from the house, City 9 for all the lessons and experience, Moon and Jersey for jumping up to help me with stuff at the station, Heather for always being my voice of confidence and helping me in more ways than she ever knows, 5C for being there for me recently (and the sweet setup!), 5 B&D for always being there...I would take the time to acknowledge you all personally, but this blog would go on forever.  You all know who you are and what you have done.  If I haven't said it before...thank you.

My roommate...thank you.  Hell I might still be living at the station if it weren't for you.  Thanks for bearing with me and my hellish schedule.  I know we never see each other, but I sincerely thank you for helping me out when I really needed it and for the advice you have given me over the last few weeks.

My new friend Jordan...I'm not sure if you fully understand how great of a person you are.  You have so much to offer, and have a great future in EMS.  I look forward to helping you achieve your goals, and I thank you for playing "middle man" and helping me out recently.  You are a wonderful and amazing person...don't ever let anyone tell you differently or treat you substandard.  You deserve nothing but the best.

My coworkers...I haven't been completely there this past year.  I've been distracted by others...and thank you for working with me on my schedule with clinicals. 

To those that I have been out with here and there...thanks for the fun times.  I'm very grateful for the times we have had.  You all are dear to me, but with everything that has occurred in the last year, I'm being super cautious.  And from what my brother Mike just said (literally), he has to approve of any guy that I'm talking to.  And Anthony has to second it. Hate to say it but this may be hard...though Anthony says anyone who buys him drinks is good in his book (after what he said about my ex I wouldn't believe it though).

And to that one person who makes me light up...we still have a long way to go, but at least you've finally opened up.  :) I can't wait til we can hang out again.  I'm grateful for the time we have spent together, how you have opened up, and look forward to the time we will spend together in the future. 

I'm not going to be introducing anyone to my family...they've been through enough with the last two.  Of course, anyone that wants to date me has to go through my brothers first...not really my choice, but you can understand they have become quite protective over me after the last one.  I know I have a say in this, but I'm going to leave this up to them...Also, I don't have to hear from them if things go awry.  For their protection and oversight, I am grateful.

There are many more things, especially the little things, that I am grateful for on a daily basis.  I don't take anything for granted anymore...life is way too precious and even though we may not seem this way initially...we are all fragile.  The appreciation of the human frailty and condition...something that does not come naturally, but with experience. :)

Til next time kiddies...

Reflections...

It's that time of year again...life is a funny thing.  I'm in a completely different place today than I was a year ago.  Never expected to be here, but we take things as they come, roll with the punches, and do our best to come out with our heads above water.

I know last year I laid out relationship expectations...you know what?  It's nice to not have any expectations for once.  I did say that I needed someone who would make me the most important thing in their life...nah, I don't.  They say you don't know what you have til it's gone, and the grass is always greener...damn if that ain't the truth.  I did have someone that made me the whole focus of his life...damned if I ever want that again.  I like my "me" time.  Yes, it is nice to have someone, and it is wonderful having someone to fall asleep next to and wake up next to...but it's not necessary. 

I don't have any expectations.  As a wise person has said...expectations lead to disappointment.  I'm just enjoying life and going with the flow.  Do I wish I had more time?  Absolutely...however, I'm not demanding of it.  I know how to prioritize, and my focus right now is on paramedic class.  Clinicals are coming into full swing, and my free time is dropping to nothing.  Yes, I have learned to cherish every moment..  I've also learned to not put all my eggs in one basket.  Things happen for a reason, and I'm not trying to force anything to happen.  I'm pleased with the recent turn of events, but I'm thinking the same thing...taking time to let things develop the way we want them to. 

As far as those resolutions I made...this is the part I have been avoiding...
1- No more being nice: I have, for the most part, kept up with this.  I've been selective with my sweetness :)
2- No more mincing words: I've said it already...the smartass is back.  Deal with it.
3- No more being walked on or being used: I've closed that chapter.  I can't believe I let it happen, but it did.  Never again.
4- Hit the gym 2 nights a week: Ok ok, only recently have I been able to keep up with this.  I am doing it though.
5- Living for myself and  no one else: See #3
6- Problem arises: Absolutely.  I've stuck by this one more than any other that I made.  I have not wasted my time trying to fix things when there is nothing I can do.

This year was the year of...learning.  I learned a lot in class, learned a lot about myself.  I also (if anyone knows anything about astrology) have gone through my Saturn return...honestly, if this is what the first one is like, I'm really not looking forward to the next.  At least I won't have to worry about that til I'm 56. :)

I know I have said I've sworn off relationships and dating and such.  I keep saying I'm not going to have a family (because you gotta find a guy who is not a complete asshole first) and I'm just going to live vicariously through my friends.  My good friend Heather said last night I'd be selling myself short if I didn't have kids cause I'm such a natural...and I'm one of the few people she trusts with hers, so I guess that says something.  I gotta admit...the morning after I put her lil ones to bed and her son woke up and was looking around and said "Stephie?  Stephie?"...I got all mushy and couldn't help but get that warm feeling inside.
Oh well.

I have had my share of failures this year, but honestly that's part of life.  We gotta take them as they come, and learn from them.  There are things in our lives that when they happen, they can destroy us or make us stronger.  After the last half of this year, I felt destroyed...broken.  I look back at the events and the person I am now, and I am stronger than ever.  I'm not bitter...I'm not wasting my time with it.  There's so much more to do and experience, if I waste my time hating/regretting things/people...I'm going to miss out on some fantastic experiences.  I'm not doing that anymore.  Yes this next year is going to suck, but it's all the process of working towards my ultimate goal, and in a little over a year I will be on the beach in Hawaii getting burned...

All those negative people in my life?  Gone.  I surround myself with good, honest people.  These people don't bring me down just to make themselves feel better.  And those that did?  Well, there are plenty of rumors going around about me, and I have them to thank.  Whatever...I know the truth.  I like the cool people I hang out with :)

I am happy with how life is right now.  I enjoy myself, I enjoy my friends.  Is there room for improvement?  Absolutely.  There is always room for improvement.  I'm not stressing :)  And, if things go awry, it's not the end of the world...just gotta keep moving.

Resolutions will come soon. :)  For now, gotta keep myself awake and alert at the station.  My first night staying in for a long time.  That too will change.