Reflections...

It's that time of year again...life is a funny thing.  I'm in a completely different place today than I was a year ago.  Never expected to be here, but we take things as they come, roll with the punches, and do our best to come out with our heads above water.

I know last year I laid out relationship expectations...you know what?  It's nice to not have any expectations for once.  I did say that I needed someone who would make me the most important thing in their life...nah, I don't.  They say you don't know what you have til it's gone, and the grass is always greener...damn if that ain't the truth.  I did have someone that made me the whole focus of his life...damned if I ever want that again.  I like my "me" time.  Yes, it is nice to have someone, and it is wonderful having someone to fall asleep next to and wake up next to...but it's not necessary. 

I don't have any expectations.  As a wise person has said...expectations lead to disappointment.  I'm just enjoying life and going with the flow.  Do I wish I had more time?  Absolutely...however, I'm not demanding of it.  I know how to prioritize, and my focus right now is on paramedic class.  Clinicals are coming into full swing, and my free time is dropping to nothing.  Yes, I have learned to cherish every moment..  I've also learned to not put all my eggs in one basket.  Things happen for a reason, and I'm not trying to force anything to happen.  I'm pleased with the recent turn of events, but I'm thinking the same thing...taking time to let things develop the way we want them to. 

As far as those resolutions I made...this is the part I have been avoiding...
1- No more being nice: I have, for the most part, kept up with this.  I've been selective with my sweetness :)
2- No more mincing words: I've said it already...the smartass is back.  Deal with it.
3- No more being walked on or being used: I've closed that chapter.  I can't believe I let it happen, but it did.  Never again.
4- Hit the gym 2 nights a week: Ok ok, only recently have I been able to keep up with this.  I am doing it though.
5- Living for myself and  no one else: See #3
6- Problem arises: Absolutely.  I've stuck by this one more than any other that I made.  I have not wasted my time trying to fix things when there is nothing I can do.

This year was the year of...learning.  I learned a lot in class, learned a lot about myself.  I also (if anyone knows anything about astrology) have gone through my Saturn return...honestly, if this is what the first one is like, I'm really not looking forward to the next.  At least I won't have to worry about that til I'm 56. :)

I know I have said I've sworn off relationships and dating and such.  I keep saying I'm not going to have a family (because you gotta find a guy who is not a complete asshole first) and I'm just going to live vicariously through my friends.  My good friend Heather said last night I'd be selling myself short if I didn't have kids cause I'm such a natural...and I'm one of the few people she trusts with hers, so I guess that says something.  I gotta admit...the morning after I put her lil ones to bed and her son woke up and was looking around and said "Stephie?  Stephie?"...I got all mushy and couldn't help but get that warm feeling inside.
Oh well.

I have had my share of failures this year, but honestly that's part of life.  We gotta take them as they come, and learn from them.  There are things in our lives that when they happen, they can destroy us or make us stronger.  After the last half of this year, I felt destroyed...broken.  I look back at the events and the person I am now, and I am stronger than ever.  I'm not bitter...I'm not wasting my time with it.  There's so much more to do and experience, if I waste my time hating/regretting things/people...I'm going to miss out on some fantastic experiences.  I'm not doing that anymore.  Yes this next year is going to suck, but it's all the process of working towards my ultimate goal, and in a little over a year I will be on the beach in Hawaii getting burned...

All those negative people in my life?  Gone.  I surround myself with good, honest people.  These people don't bring me down just to make themselves feel better.  And those that did?  Well, there are plenty of rumors going around about me, and I have them to thank.  Whatever...I know the truth.  I like the cool people I hang out with :)

I am happy with how life is right now.  I enjoy myself, I enjoy my friends.  Is there room for improvement?  Absolutely.  There is always room for improvement.  I'm not stressing :)  And, if things go awry, it's not the end of the world...just gotta keep moving.

Resolutions will come soon. :)  For now, gotta keep myself awake and alert at the station.  My first night staying in for a long time.  That too will change.