Fun Times...

Saw Jeff Dunham with my parents last night...hilarious!  I swear I was laughing so hard I was crying.  It was great.  I'm definitely going to have to get the DVD of that tour.

Slept in at the station last Thursday and this past Tuesday.  Also rode for a few hours Monday night, four calls total, no transports...it's ridiculous.  I can't wait til I finish this class and become a cleared ALS provider, so I can actually do something other than take vitals.  Had another crew come over and hang out with us Wednesday morning while we were bored at the station.  Ever since I moved out of the firehouse, I don't sleep there.  I just stay up and do homework.  So this crew came over...lots of laughs, lots of great times.  Funny thing is I'm usually going over to their station and hanging out there on my way home.

 I ended up having to work Wednesday morning at 0930.  So I was up for over 40 hours straight.  I was going to unattend the ambo at 0500 so I could go home, get a shower and get ready for work, but this is what we got dispatched for at 0459 on the BW Parkway:

So, needless to say, I didn't go home until 0630 after finishing my report and taking care of things there.  I'm spending a lot more time there lately.  I won't be captain next year, so that's exciting news!  Less responsibility there and more time to dedicate to my studies?  Heck yeah!  Plus maybe I can regain a social life, since it has been ruined by paramedic school, obligations, and that jerk.

Life?  Loving it.  My brother has about 75 days til he comes home from overseas!  My cousin is getting married in June...have to miss the rave but I get to see my family and spend a few days out there with them.  Not going to pass this up.  The rave will be there next year.

The sad thing is that my work schedule is about to suck terribly.  One of the fast track techs is out, so the other tech and I have to rearrange our schedules and split shifts to get it all covered.  There are also two techs out in the main ED, and with us coming into what in that past has been our busy season, saying it's going to be rough is probably an understatement.  The good thing is we have a great team and we have worked through worse.  We'll be fine...would just be nice if everyone would go and get their flu shots...thanks.

Life...fantastic.  Love taking each day as it comes...life is fun when it's so unpredictable.  I'm actually ok with that...believe it or not.  I get to spend time with my friend whenever we can...even if it is getting an upgrade. :)

Now, off to breakfast with my parents.  More to come before the new year.

Thanks...for everything

The last post was about reflecting on the last year.  I've done quite a bit of looking back lately.  Not saying I want to go back and change anything, just saying I'm looking over things.  These last two days, I've realized I have a hell of a lot to be thankful for.

A year ago I was in a completely different place.  Details aside, I had a lot of things going on.  Bottom line, I needed to grow up and move on, no matter what was said or done before Christmas.  That I have most certainly done. :) Have I forgotten?  Absolutely not.  We save our memories and learn from our mistakes...I think I've said this before...

Given everything that has transpired over the last year, before I make any resolutions, I figure I should look at the positive things...here goes nothing!

I'm thankful first for my family...including all my non-biological brothers and sisters.  My brothers have been there for me more than anything over the last year (I am grateful for my sisters, new and old).  It seemed like any time I stumbled, my brothers were there with hugs and drinks and offers to beat someone up.  I love them.  Especially with the last one...hell my brother is threatening him from another country and others are ready to stake out at my apartment, daring him to come by (my dad still wants to break his arms and legs)...I suppose that should be a warning to anyone that wants to take me out on a date, huh (seriously you won't treat me badly so you have nothing to worry about...relax).  My mom has been my voice of reason and reassurance...assuring me that it will get better, I will move past this, and these are just minor setbacks.  My brother Dave supporting me no matter what and being there for me when the shit hits the fan...and encouraging me to take more control over my life.  My brother Mike...coming up with the funniest yet most simple (not in a bad way) nicknames for the guys I have dated...he has kept me laughing through the tears.  My aunt who helped me regain the confidence I lost...I don't know what I would have done without my family this year.

My friends...old and new.  you guys (for the most part) have stood beside me no matter what...through some pretty poor decisions and through some of the best times ever.  I am so grateful to have people like you in my life.  I really can't say it enough.  I could go over every last detail...the nights staying up texting, the trips to the bar to vent, the comments here and on Facebook...I don't know how I'd be here without you all.  Luby for taking a trip with me one night and playing bodyguard, Francischelli for helping me change my life and get motivated to get healthy, Sean Myers for motivating me to quit smoking (5 months free and over $1000 saved!), Tommy for being there for me at every turn, Ms. Whipps for being a wonderful wife, Ben and El and Andy for helping me move all my crap from the house, City 9 for all the lessons and experience, Moon and Jersey for jumping up to help me with stuff at the station, Heather for always being my voice of confidence and helping me in more ways than she ever knows, 5C for being there for me recently (and the sweet setup!), 5 B&D for always being there...I would take the time to acknowledge you all personally, but this blog would go on forever.  You all know who you are and what you have done.  If I haven't said it before...thank you.

My roommate...thank you.  Hell I might still be living at the station if it weren't for you.  Thanks for bearing with me and my hellish schedule.  I know we never see each other, but I sincerely thank you for helping me out when I really needed it and for the advice you have given me over the last few weeks.

My new friend Jordan...I'm not sure if you fully understand how great of a person you are.  You have so much to offer, and have a great future in EMS.  I look forward to helping you achieve your goals, and I thank you for playing "middle man" and helping me out recently.  You are a wonderful and amazing person...don't ever let anyone tell you differently or treat you substandard.  You deserve nothing but the best.

My coworkers...I haven't been completely there this past year.  I've been distracted by others...and thank you for working with me on my schedule with clinicals. 

To those that I have been out with here and there...thanks for the fun times.  I'm very grateful for the times we have had.  You all are dear to me, but with everything that has occurred in the last year, I'm being super cautious.  And from what my brother Mike just said (literally), he has to approve of any guy that I'm talking to.  And Anthony has to second it. Hate to say it but this may be hard...though Anthony says anyone who buys him drinks is good in his book (after what he said about my ex I wouldn't believe it though).

And to that one person who makes me light up...we still have a long way to go, but at least you've finally opened up.  :) I can't wait til we can hang out again.  I'm grateful for the time we have spent together, how you have opened up, and look forward to the time we will spend together in the future. 

I'm not going to be introducing anyone to my family...they've been through enough with the last two.  Of course, anyone that wants to date me has to go through my brothers first...not really my choice, but you can understand they have become quite protective over me after the last one.  I know I have a say in this, but I'm going to leave this up to them...Also, I don't have to hear from them if things go awry.  For their protection and oversight, I am grateful.

There are many more things, especially the little things, that I am grateful for on a daily basis.  I don't take anything for granted anymore...life is way too precious and even though we may not seem this way initially...we are all fragile.  The appreciation of the human frailty and condition...something that does not come naturally, but with experience. :)

Til next time kiddies...

Reflections...

It's that time of year again...life is a funny thing.  I'm in a completely different place today than I was a year ago.  Never expected to be here, but we take things as they come, roll with the punches, and do our best to come out with our heads above water.

I know last year I laid out relationship expectations...you know what?  It's nice to not have any expectations for once.  I did say that I needed someone who would make me the most important thing in their life...nah, I don't.  They say you don't know what you have til it's gone, and the grass is always greener...damn if that ain't the truth.  I did have someone that made me the whole focus of his life...damned if I ever want that again.  I like my "me" time.  Yes, it is nice to have someone, and it is wonderful having someone to fall asleep next to and wake up next to...but it's not necessary. 

I don't have any expectations.  As a wise person has said...expectations lead to disappointment.  I'm just enjoying life and going with the flow.  Do I wish I had more time?  Absolutely...however, I'm not demanding of it.  I know how to prioritize, and my focus right now is on paramedic class.  Clinicals are coming into full swing, and my free time is dropping to nothing.  Yes, I have learned to cherish every moment..  I've also learned to not put all my eggs in one basket.  Things happen for a reason, and I'm not trying to force anything to happen.  I'm pleased with the recent turn of events, but I'm thinking the same thing...taking time to let things develop the way we want them to. 

As far as those resolutions I made...this is the part I have been avoiding...
1- No more being nice: I have, for the most part, kept up with this.  I've been selective with my sweetness :)
2- No more mincing words: I've said it already...the smartass is back.  Deal with it.
3- No more being walked on or being used: I've closed that chapter.  I can't believe I let it happen, but it did.  Never again.
4- Hit the gym 2 nights a week: Ok ok, only recently have I been able to keep up with this.  I am doing it though.
5- Living for myself and  no one else: See #3
6- Problem arises: Absolutely.  I've stuck by this one more than any other that I made.  I have not wasted my time trying to fix things when there is nothing I can do.

This year was the year of...learning.  I learned a lot in class, learned a lot about myself.  I also (if anyone knows anything about astrology) have gone through my Saturn return...honestly, if this is what the first one is like, I'm really not looking forward to the next.  At least I won't have to worry about that til I'm 56. :)

I know I have said I've sworn off relationships and dating and such.  I keep saying I'm not going to have a family (because you gotta find a guy who is not a complete asshole first) and I'm just going to live vicariously through my friends.  My good friend Heather said last night I'd be selling myself short if I didn't have kids cause I'm such a natural...and I'm one of the few people she trusts with hers, so I guess that says something.  I gotta admit...the morning after I put her lil ones to bed and her son woke up and was looking around and said "Stephie?  Stephie?"...I got all mushy and couldn't help but get that warm feeling inside.
Oh well.

I have had my share of failures this year, but honestly that's part of life.  We gotta take them as they come, and learn from them.  There are things in our lives that when they happen, they can destroy us or make us stronger.  After the last half of this year, I felt destroyed...broken.  I look back at the events and the person I am now, and I am stronger than ever.  I'm not bitter...I'm not wasting my time with it.  There's so much more to do and experience, if I waste my time hating/regretting things/people...I'm going to miss out on some fantastic experiences.  I'm not doing that anymore.  Yes this next year is going to suck, but it's all the process of working towards my ultimate goal, and in a little over a year I will be on the beach in Hawaii getting burned...

All those negative people in my life?  Gone.  I surround myself with good, honest people.  These people don't bring me down just to make themselves feel better.  And those that did?  Well, there are plenty of rumors going around about me, and I have them to thank.  Whatever...I know the truth.  I like the cool people I hang out with :)

I am happy with how life is right now.  I enjoy myself, I enjoy my friends.  Is there room for improvement?  Absolutely.  There is always room for improvement.  I'm not stressing :)  And, if things go awry, it's not the end of the world...just gotta keep moving.

Resolutions will come soon. :)  For now, gotta keep myself awake and alert at the station.  My first night staying in for a long time.  That too will change.

Life is About What Path You Take, and my Ex Chose the Psychopath...

Ok...so apparently the asshole didn't read the last blog.  After reviewing the status of things, these are the results:
-Between 12/1/11 and 12/14/11, he texted me 105 times.  And we broke up in October.
-He told me he broke up with his new girlfriend because she was trying to tell him who he could and couldn't be friends with.  Turns out she dumped him because he wasn't over me.  Whoops.
-Found out he would drive past my house while working, just to see if I was home when I said I was working (believe it or not, I was actually working).  Creepy.
-I blocked his number, so he proceeded to email me AND inbox me on FB to ask why I blocked his number.
-After talking to some friends and weighing my options, I decided to respond to his email with this:
"We are not friends. We have no reason to keep in touch. You text me to excess. Do not contact me at all. Do not text me, do not email me, do not inbox me on facebook. We stopped dating two months ago. You have no reason to contact me or see me. If you continue to do such after I have clearly asked you not to, I will pursue further action. Do not respond to this email."

I think I got my point across. :)  He now calls me "a fucking bitch" and says I "treated him like shit."

Thank you, I'll take that as a compliment.  Coming from a psychopath that my brother referred to as Norman Bates (he's now been downgraded to "anal bead," or "AB" for short)...thanks. :)  I've never felt better. 

Chris, if you do actually read this...just know, if you ever do decide to contact me again, I will drop whatever I am doing and make that trip to the Baltimore County Commissioner.  I will have the emails, the messages, and statements from people that you drove past my house and that they saw whatever vehicle you were in at the time parked outside the house at all hours.  I don't care.  Guess what?  You don't run my life anymore.  I never should have let you get that power over me.  Seriously??? You made me back into a corner and cower...I don't do that.  I'm fucking Stephanie Forbes...the same chick that grabbed a guy almost a foot taller than me who was tripping and trying to get into our tent at the rave by the shirt and pushed him around.  Yeah.  I don't do that.  You know what he needs?  A trophy wife.  Someone who will do his cooking and cleaning, have dinner ready for him when he comes home from work, does exactly as he says, and has no brain.  Ugh...

This is it, the last I ever write of you.  I've closed that chapter of my life, and believe me I will never bow to anyone again or do their bidding.  I'm not that kind of chick.
And God forbid you decide you want to spread any of my business or drag my name through the mud...you will regret ever coming to Maryland...believe me.

Thank you Jimmy V for my title :)

A notice...

So I was so excited two days ago when I thought that guy I had dated was finally leaving me alone.  We're not friends on FB anymore, so Chris, if you are reading this...this is for you:
-MY dad made it out of surgery well.  Thanks for asking.
-I passed my pharm exam.
-Congrats on passing rescue tech.
-No we cannot ride soon.  We are not going to ride anytime...ever...again.  Sure, I know you had a lot of fun riding with me and consider me a great EMT but really...with how you speak of other providers (whether it is true or not)...you don't have respect for most of the people you work with.

I'm going out and having fun.  I'm spending time with my friends. I don't really go to the bar, well, let's just give credit to conditioning...you get punished every time you go to the bar with a friend, you don't want to go to the bar anymore.  I know you said you ended it with your new girlfriend because she was trying to control who you were friends with...wait, what?  Does that sound familiar?  A significant other making their partner choose between them and their friends?  Obviously you missed that one.  I cannot count the number of times you made me choose between you and my friends.  The majority of the time I was a fool and chose you.  And those times I actually went and hung out with my friends?  Do you remember the night I went to the bar with my friend, my phone was dead from you texting me all day, and you drove past my house, the bar, the firehouse and then to my house again looking for me?  And when you came in, how you were so furious with me you were shaking?  I went out for a few hours, had a couple of drinks and caught up with my friend, and because you could not reach me you tried to hunt me down then exploded.  How about the time when I didn't text you when I left work, when I got to the bar, when I left, when I got home and then proceeded to yell at me on the phone for three hours??  Do you remember that?

I know you have said that you made a lot of mistakes with our relationship.  My biggest mistake?  Not walking away the first time you yelled at me.  You have no idea how broken, beaten down, destroyed I felt after dating you...but now I realize how much stronger of a person I am because of it.  I'm not taking any bullshit.  Not from anyone else, and certainly not from you.  I know you are "turning over a new leaf" and trying to be nice now, but I want no part of it.  I wish you luck, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, with your future endeavors.  I know you said I have destroyed you...think whatever you want to make yourself feel better and have people take pity on you. 

Leave me alone.  I have not moved on to another relationship, but I have moved on from you.  I should have a long time ago, but after two failed relationships in a year I thought I deserved it all.  I didn't deserve a single minute of it.  As you said..."Think Steph.  After three relationships ending in a year, did you ever think that it wasn't the other person that was the problem...that maybe it was you?"  Yeah, I did stop and think.  I thought long and hard about it, and yes, I was the problem.  I sat there and took bullshit from you.  I had bigger dreams than Flounder did.  And I didn't appreciate Jon.  I know what I did.  I know what my problems were.  I am conscious and aware of all of my mistakes, and I WILL NOT repeat them.  I am a different person now.  That person...doesn't exist anymore.

In no way do I want to make him seem like a bad person...I'm simply telling the truth about what transpired.  That chapter of my life is over.  The same thing with the others...I have closed the book on them, and I have moved on.  Honestly, I haven't been this happy in a long time.  I know the person I am, and I am quite proud of the person I have become.  I like me.  Like I said, I'm not changing a thing about myself.  Sure, I'm making healthier choices as far as foods and friends go, but really...I am me.  And yes, I am pretty awesome :)

Gripes, bitches, complaints...take them elsewhere.  Compliments...welcome :)

Winning

So my ex used to say (all the time) that he was "winning like Charlie Sheen" or "winning before Charlie Sheen knew what it was"...ugh.
So bloody annoying.  If only...nevermind :)

So here's the winning part.  He finally is leaving me alone.  Rock on bitches, I'm free!!!
I love it.  I seriously have not felt this good in...well,  forever. 

Aside from that mess, I have lost a good friend...not by my doing, but it's his choice.  If he ever decides he wants to man up and be friends again, he knows where to find me.

I've hung out with a few new people over the last week.  All awesome in their own regard.  It's nice...shows me that there are still good people out there, and ones that can actually respect a female and not be after one thing and one thing only.  I've had such a great time with my new friends, and haven't smiled this much in so long.

Honestly, at the end of last week, it was like my world was crashing again for like the millionth time this year.  What happens when your world ends up in flames?  The Phoenix rises from the ashes.  Here I am, and I'm not going anywhere.

Next on the agenda?  Continuing to make more time for myself.  Sticking to my 90 day challenge, getting to the gym more often, starting to take walks around the neighborhood.  More "me" time, more time at home with the family.  More time for friends...and that's one thing...I have been a terrible friend!!  I have lost touch with so many of my friends, and I haven't been there when they needed me.  Well that changes now.  I know in a relationship you are supposed to put your significant other first, but when they dominate all of your time and you cannot keep in touch or hang out with your friends, this becomes a problem. 

So that's it...I have these white boards (and dry erase calendars) next to my mirror so I can keep track of my hectic life.  On one of these boards, I have written "putting yourself first is never being selfish" and "if you don't take care of yourself, who will?"  After I was called "the most selfish person" someone had ever met, I stopped doing things for myself and making my life the priority...and we see where that got me. 

With my new found freedom?  Well, hectic week aside, Saturday I'm seeing a friend I haven't hung out with since July.  We might even go dancing...love it!  Sunday...birthday party for one of my kids (babysitting, not really spawn), then who knows what Sunday night.  Weekend after?  Work Friday, off Saturday and Sunday, looking for things to do (though if nothing is going on here, I may be home that weekend).  It's nice to plan things...haha, as they come :)

Feeling so much better than I have in a long, long time.  I'm not going to generate any expectations...I'm just truly enjoying the time I get to spend with people and taking each day as it comes. 

And though I may be doing the 90 day challenge, I'm not considering that a diet (I was asked today if I'm on a diet...I'm just being more sensible about a lot of things).  After thinking about it, though, I am on a diet.  A no-bullshit diet.

G'night folks.