Another Year...

Just because my birthday is tomorrow, I figured it's a good time to reflect on (some) of the events over the past year.

I've made it through one year of paramedic school...Hooray!!  Only one more year to go.  I've had quite a few excellent experiences, seen things some experienced medics haven't, and gotten to do some pretty wicked skills.  I'm loving every minute of it.

Not much else has changed.  I have grown quite a bit as a person, and taken some huge steps in my life...damn I feel like an adult lol. 

I picked up a bad habit again...though I'm dropping it after All Good.  I've got motivation...

I became single again...twice.  Not that it's a bad thing...to quote someone "when you least expect it in the most random places"...yes, random indeed.  To those that want to call me a hypocrite...bite me.  If anything, people should be happy for me (I suppose that's the princess in me coming out, huh?).  I have learned not to put all my eggs in one basket.  I am somewhat pessimistic, but really, who can blame me? 

And as for the asshole...I gotta love being greeted by "Is there some reason why you're not answering your phone?"  EXCUSE ME?!?!? Who the fuck do you think you are??  I don't have to answer to you anymore dickhead.  You can't check up on me, go through my phone, track everything I do anymore.  I have nothing to say to you.  Give me back my goddamn keys and stay out of my life.

Yes, I have met someone.  Am I betting it all?  Hell no, so far I've got a new friend who I enjoy spending time with and, strangely enough, have a lot in common with.  I gotta lay out some rationale here though...I have no expectations.  Are there things I would like to happen?  Hell yes.  My problem is (sorry to a certain someone out there) that every time I've expected a guy to do something, I've been disappointed (with the exception of this past Monday...I've had that idea for like 10 years and it finally happened :D).  I would love to go along with having expectations and having them met...it's just so damn hard for me.  The last thing I want is to feel that again.  I know there are many disappointments in life, it's just, well, I feel like it's all I've had.

As I'm writing this, I have been thinking.  I've got a great idea, and hopefully it will pay off.  I think it's for the best...I'm wiping the slate clean.  I have been hurt and let down, but I cannot and WILL NOT let that affect any new adventure I may be getting myself into.  If you want me to have expectations, I will have expectations.  I'm not going to set the bar high...I can't hold anyone to the high standards I have just yet.  I want to start from scratch, see how things go.  I am still in disbelief as to how this all came about, but whatever...I'm going with it.  Nothing but good things thus far. 
And by the way, I did mean what I said about my birthday.  My parents are taking me out to dinner, and I expect nothing else on my birthday.  I'm not officially in a relationship (unless I missed the memo...entirely possible with my ADHD and hectic schedule), therefore hugs and kisses and an easy night at work is all I'm hoping for.
All Good in t-minus 4 days...thank God Sean Myers is going, otherwise I'd end up smoking a whole carton over there.

Damn, what a year it's been.  In two I'll be thirty...hahahaha that's going to be awesome.  I think, however, that it will be the deciding year for me.  More on that later.

In closing, I gotta say this...I miss you Sean.  Happy birthday big brother.  Just five years ago tomorrow you bought me a beer, met some of my closest friends, and we celebrated together for the last time.  It still hurts kids...he was a role model for me.  I looked up to him.  He worked hard, worked for everything he had, and made his way up through the company from the bottom. The training center at the US headquarters of his company is dedicated to him.  He was an amazing man, a wonderful father, and the best big brother a girl could ask for...Rest in Peace, Sean...

Nota bene

Ok, so I've got to put this out there.  I'm working on my birthday.  Partly because I didn't want to give anyone the opportunity to take me out...partly because I haven't celebrated my birthday in 5 years, so why start now?
Some people say this is a piss-poor outlook...if you don't know the background story, here goes nothing:

Five years ago this October I lost my older brother Sean...someone whom I had looked up to my entire life.  His birthday was the 9th, mine the 10th, so until he grew up and moved out we had always celebrated birthdays together, and at least called or texted each other on our birthdays after that.  In 2006, we got together and went out to dinner with friends for our birthdays.  He passed away less than 3 months later, the day before we were supposed to meet for lunch.  I still get worked up about it...what can I say, I'm emotional.  We've established that.  (If anyone wants to go with me to his memorial at the Games Workshop headquarters, I'm going on October 5th).

So...yeah that's depressing, isn't it?  Sorry to bring down the room.

Anyways, I have to say something else.  I know before I said I didn't want to date or anything, but that will change.  My only problems are as follows:  I need someone who will...
-understand my crazy schedule
-love me for me
-at least have some understanding of the fire service, not necessarily be in the fire service
-trust me
These are minimum standards...believe me, there is much more, but given what happened the last time around, I have to put that out there.
Also, if I had rejected your advances, you cannot take this personally.  I don't understand why anyone thinks that hitting a girl up RIGHT AFTER she gets dumped is a great idea (especially when that happened after a 4 month relationship, and before that I was with someone for 5 years).  I suppose guys have this hero complex where they have to swoop in and save the damsel in distress?  Do I look like a damsel in distress?  I most certainly don't have the boobs for it anymore (as I was reminded today at the fire house)...though I do have a couple of pretty cute dresses (but nowhere to wear them lol)...
Yes, I did say that I have cute dresses...breathe people!  Oh, and when we went out the the bar the other night, I wore a pink thin-strapped tank top.  With ruffles.  And makeup.
LMAO I'm beginning to wonder how many of my close friends have passed out after reading that.  When I told Guthrie the other night "I can wear cute things like this now"  he said "Who the hell are you?" (Guthrie and I have known each other for about 15 years).
So that is my sad, sad story for the week.  Believe it or not, I'm doing a lot better.  Still hurts, still stings like a bitch, but that will dissipate with time.  I don't expect it to go away overnight.
It seems like every time I talk about something good that happens to me on here, someone has to go screw it up.  Not this time...

NYDB

I think I have a pretty good idea of what happened now.  Since instead of  being stealthy, someone decided to reveal something personal of mine less than 24 hours after it was said (17 of those hours with me being at work, with my phone in my pocket the whole time)...I've got a good idea of how things went down not only with my relationship, but with the aftermath.

So I had a conversation via text...no big deal, right?
How did the details of said conversation make their way to the fire house?  I hadn't said anything to anyone, and no one had the opportunity to look at my phone.Strange...
So I get blamed for this getting out.
Funny thing, there's nothing really to tell.  There was nothing, nothing happened, and there is nothing now.

If your goal was to kill any chance of happiness that I had, good for you.  It's done.

Now I've completely resolved myself to solitude.  There's no point in trying anymore.  I know, I just got out of a relationship, so you think I'm saying this because I'm not ready for another one, right?

So...I know you read this, and if I can find evidence that you did what you did, I will prosecute you.  You have no right invading my privacy like that.

To the person involved: I'm sorry you were brought into the middle of this mess.  He had no right to do that, to make your life more complicated than it already is.

And to everyone else reading this...sorry you had to plow through that bullshit but it's the truth.  I hadn't repeated a word of that conversation, so there's only one way for it to have gotten out.

Simple Memo, More to Come

So...I'm getting out of town this weekend.

After the mess that my life has become, it may very well turn into a permanent thing.  I hope you're happy.

I will say something on Facebook about this, but if I had mentioned to any of you about plans to go out June 25th, those are canceled.  And my birthday?  Plans canceled.  There is no point in celebrating when the two most important people to me won't be there.  Why waste the time and risk anyone getting a DUI?  I haven't celebrated my birthday in years...why start now?

Thanks to the person who screwed my life up last night.  And thanks to those of you who have stood by and been supportive.  It's impossible to keep my head up right now.  All hope is gone.

The rest of my post will be published Saturday night, after I take care of a few things.

Funny Thing...

So I was going through my first blog, because I had reiterated to someone that I kept to my resolutions and that's why I didn't fight to stay in my relationship.

It's so funny...I swore I wasn't going to take down those walls, but someone had to sweet-talk me enough.  Goddammit.

I did eliminate the toxic people from my life.  Did a pretty damned good job too.  Sure, they still might talk shit about me and make up rumors but do I care?  Nope.  I just might turn around and make up more interesting ones, since the ones they seem to come up with are so bloody pedestrian.
I did stop being nice to everyone...only my close friends get my sweet self.  I certainly don't mince words (though that got me in trouble a few times at work),  Being walked on/used?  I did make a lot of sacrifices in that relationship...a few he learned about, still more he has no clue...but it doesn't matter now.  Hitting the gym...haha between work, class, and clinicals, I don't think I've gone to the gym once this past semester.  That changes tonight though.  Living for myself and no one else?  Goddamn relationships...making changes, sacrifices, etc.  Oh well.  I do have some planned days off, and a ticket to the NHRA drags in Bristol Father's Day weekend I need to sell...($300 if anyone is interested, starting line seats, small meals and non-alcoholic drinks included...*plus a private tour of the NASCAR track in Bristol when it is closed, and if my dad's buddy is working, an opportunity to drive on the track...that was the surprise part of his birthday present).
As for the last resolution?  I think I've kept to that pretty well.  Given the events of the last week, I say that is the one I've really stuck to my guns on...

Next on the agenda?  Work this week.  Still trying to finalize weekend plans...we're doing a live burn on Sunday.  Might do that.  Depends on if my idea for my weekend plans goes through or not.  Still waiting on a text message...if it comes, great.  If not, whatever.  I might just go home this weekend.  Hit up Gold Mine with my brothers...
Speaking of going out...just had a brief exchange with a friend...one thing I was slightly concerned about was losing all the cool people I had met in that relationship.  If ya'll ever want to hang out still, feel free to hit me up.  It does suck when stuff like that goes down.

Anyways...on to bigger and better things.  Damn...two updates in two days...don't get used to it.

And I'm doing OK...still burning and bitter on the inside, but we all know where the blame lies.

Wherever You'll Be

I know, before I get harassed about how long it's been since I posted anything, let me explain.  It's nice and short...paramedic school.  Enough said.

I know in my last post, I was happy in my new relationship.  If you're reading this, then you know all that is over.  Did I see it coming?  Hell no.  I know people are wondering what happened, so here it is.

He asked to see me before I went to one of the many things I had to do.  It wasn't uncommon for us to go a week without getting to see each other or spend time together.  I walked in, he said we needed to talk, then dumped me.  Yes I was in shock, but what else was I supposed to do?  I learned a long time ago not to argue with him.  There's no sense in it.  I just listened to the excuses he made, said I'd come when he wasn't home to grab my stuff, and left. 

What were his reasons you ask?  Well, first off, apparently I made some smart ass remarks.  Me? A smart ass?  Never.  Also, I want nice things throughout my life and he doesn't think he will be able to give them to me.  He's perfectly happy living a simple life.  If I had been given a chance, I would have reiterated something I had told him early on...if I want nice things, I can get them for myself.  My mother raised me to rely on myself and no one else.  I do not need a man to provide for me.  And I won't apologize for that.
In the end, he said once the newness of the relationship wore off, he realized we didn't have as much in common as he initially thought so why drag it out, let's just end it now. 
The End.

It's amazing, when I think about it...all those nights he held me in his arms, telling me that as long as I was there I was safe, had nothing to worry about...the nights he put our song on in the bar and picked me up off the stool to dance with me...all over now.  I guess there's something I missed?  I was a total wreck...not going to lie about that.  Nothing I can do about it, so I just have to move on.  I actually laughed the next day when I realized that it was the first time I was dumped for being a smart ass...from what I heard he actually called me a "princess."  If I'm a princess, then where is my goddamn tiara?  Huh?  You ever seen me with one?  Oh yeah, I forgot...it's locked up in the Forbes Castle with the rest of the crown jewels.

Aside from that bullshit, in relation to my previous posts...I successfully removed all of the negative people from my life within the first four months of this year.  Amazingly enough.  Jon and I are friends again (he actually said it sounded like I was dumped by Will for having standards, not for being a smart ass or princess).  I've had a blast doing my clinicals...lots of fun with my preceptors.  One year of paramedic school down, one to go.

Since all this happened, I'm going to put this out there:  I want to stay single.  I'm going to finish paramedic school.  That is my top priority.  If someone comes along when I'm done, that's great.  I need to finish my education first.  Get my career going.  Oh yeah...and raise my standards.  :)
So this means...no hitting me up on facebook, no blowing my phone up with text messages...you want to hang out?  Sure.  Go to the bar?  No problem.  Date?  Nope.  I need "me" time.  I need some time to myself, to get my career going. 

I must say I have grown up a lot...I'm getting older, wiser...now more cautious.

Time to go...but I will say this in closing...as much as I like to take care of myself, to do things on my own, and as much as I prefer not to have it...I must say it was pretty nice to have a knight in shining armor when I really needed it last week.  It was something unexpected...but it was nice.  Thank you again for being there for me, listening, and reassuring me that things would turn around.  To all my friends who were there for me...thank you.  I appreciate everything you said and did, and the rounds at the bar.  :)

Til next time...

A Little Bit Stronger

Only cause Aunt Peggy mentioned it...I think it fits.

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you.
I listened to it for a minute, but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
but I'm telling myself I'll be ok.
Even on my weakest days...I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen overnight, but you turn around and a month's gone by
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you an hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
but I'm telling myself I'll be ok.
Even on my weakest days...I get a little bit stronger.

-Sara Evans "A Little Bit Stronger"