I suck at updates.

Well...the Cliffs Notes version...

-Moved out of Baltimore

-Rekindled with someone

-Started a new job

-Finished the paramedic licensing

-Started my career as a paramedic

-Gettin' hitched

-Finally happy again.

Detailed update to come in the near future.  :-)

So I've been thinking...A lot...

...And again, I'm probably going to piss some people off, but what else is new?

For those that know me well, I've had a lot going on these last couple of months.  You see updates and check ins on Facebook and know that something is up.  Thankfully that is behind us and we've moved on (sorta).

In any case, those things along with others that have come up in the last couple of months have lead to me sitting here, running, walking, drifting off...thinking.  Thinking about what I'm doing, where I'm going, where I need to be.

I've thought a lot about what I want.  Funny thing is...I've wanted the same things for the last decade or so.  I've had the same idea about what I wanted my life to be like.  It hasn't changed even though I (and everything and everyone around me) has.  I had this idea...of the person I wanted to be with, the place I wanted to live, the life I wanted to lead, the family I wanted to have.   I'm sure a lot of people have that "ideal" relationship.  And I've been looking for that perfection.  Mind you...I haven't rejected people that have not met that ideal.  I was always willing to compromise and give people a chance.  There have always been some things I have not been willing to give in about...

Then life throws you a curve ball.  Or three.  And the situation changes...again.

Now the question remains...do I follow the same path I have and go for what I want, or go for what is best for me?
That is the question that has been on my mind for the past couple of weeks. I had this ideal...this perfect image of what I wanted, what I dreamed my life to be.  Was I willing to give all that up?  Give something else a chance?  The more I thought about it...the more I wondered: Why do they have to be different?  Me...I have changed.  I am FAR from the person I was ten years ago...hell, I'm far from the person I was three years ago!  Why hasn't my ideal life changed as I have?
My happiness is that of my own creation.  I had this idea that certain things would make me happy, and my life had to include these things.  If life presented me with an option that did not include this path...that would not be ok.  I would opt to wait until I felt it was right.  The thing is...this is right.

Again...lots and lots of thinking.  Looking at my life, at events, at people.  I have people in my life now that matter more, and I couldn't imagine life without them.  I do know what I want, but it's not all about me. 

More later with a clearer head...I hope.  Sleep now.

RANT

There is too much to get out to put in a FB status, and it was encouraged, so here ya go.

I stayed an hour and a half late at work tonight to help out.  I didn't mind staying a little late, but I didn't get relieved when I was supposed to be.  Not like I have a class at 0800 in DC or anything.  And then I go to get a ride to my car (parked in BFE) and security is "sorry" because they don't have anyone to take me to my car...so I walk.  By myself.  I don't care that it's raining...it's water.  I care about the area and the fact that there was a shooting across the street on the Hill earlier and now I'm walking by myself.  And no I don't carry.

I'm tired of the lack of respect.  Yes, I know my job and I know my role, but I'm smarter than you may think I am.  Show me respect and I will return the favor.  And not just respect at work...respect in my personal life, too.  Like my roomie...yeah I will call you out.  Start walking with me.  Stop eating my food!  I love ya but some things I keep around for me, when I reach certain milestones with my weight loss.  I cut every last vice out of my life.  I deserve a little reward now and then...IN MODERATION.

I haven't slept for shit these last two weeks.  Why?  Partly due to the fat burners I'm taking I'm sure.  But if anyone has been paying attention to my FB...I thought I fucked up.  I will come clean...I had been talking to this really great guy, one who has been through more shit than he deserves. I will not make excuses.  I don't know what we had, but it's obviously not that way anymore.  I can apologize a million times and I know nothing will make it right.  I have no idea how you felt about me.  I probably never will.  I told you over and over how I felt about you and nothing was reciprocated.  The time I spent with you is priceless.  That time I wouldn't trade for anything.  You are not damaged goods.  You do not have baggage.  Not in my eyes.  If this is it, then I guess this is it.  But the way you talk it seems like you don't want to spend the time anymore.  You are why I haven't been sleeping.  I've been stressing over the thought of how badly I fucked things up between us.  And like I said...when I go from hearing from you every day to not hearing from you for over a week...it was obvious that I had done something wrong.  And I meant what I said.

I was supposed to go to Houston next week.  See old friends.  Go to the Gulf of Mexico.  I took care in not letting many people know where exactly I was going (for obvious reasons).  I confirmed the dates with my friends several times before purchasing the tickets.  I needed the time out of state, away from it all.  Then I get a text about how you're "an asshole" and this is my "lesson" about you but you will be out of town those dates...and my tickets were non-refundable.  Why?  Because when I commit to something I hold true.
Apparently that concept is lost on many these days.

Work...work?  A few weeks ago I rearranged my life, my schedule, because there were call-outs.  Yes...the overtime is wonderful :) but I didn't get a single thank you from any of the higher ups.  I've come to expect this.  I need a change, and I need it soon.  Yes, I am testing for P soon.  Yes, I am putting in for various jobs.  Here's a kicker for y'all...if none of those pan out...I'm going Army.  To be a medic.  Yes.  Why?  Nothing keeping me here.

Part of this crap has to be kept secret...but here's another thing that keeps coming up...I'm almost 30 and still single.  No kids.  Who the fuck cares??  If it happens it happens.  People ask me all the time why I'm not married.  It is simple:  I'm smarter than that.  I'm smarter than to settle for the first good thing that came my way.  I was smart enough to think things through. My mother raised me quite well...and my father helped with the finishing touches :)

I got another tat recently...thought it would be my most painful one yet.  Was looking forward to the pain and endorphins that would follow...not so much.  So now have to save and get my ribs done...soon.

A couple good things?  Well...I suppose not all hope is lost in the romance department.  Problem is I'm a sap and a die hard romantic...who has had nothing but disappointment and people who try to take advantage of me.  Lucky for me I don't take any bullshit so that doesn't happen.  Just know that I'm a pessimist...cynic...skeptical of any good thing that comes my way.  If you know me...can you blame me?
I'm seeing numbers on the scale I haven't seen since...middle school? Nine pounds to go to get to the weight on my driver's license, 19 to goal (though that will change).
I'm not sitting back and waiting for things to happen.  We create our destiny.  If you sit idly by, someone else will not do it for you.  Take control, live life to the fullest.  If there are negative people in your life...people who try to use you, bring you down...get rid of them as soon as possible.  They may claim to be your friends, however, their true nature will show eventually.  Go with your gut instinct.  Take care of yourself.  If you don't...who will??

It may seem like I'm not happy but I truly am.  You don't need someone else to be happy.  You need to be happy first so you can share in that happiness with someone else.  Never let anyone's presence dictate your happiness. 

My alarm clock will be going off in less than two hours (hey, you...I did buy an actual alarm clock.  One that I wake up to, daily).  I think I've gotten out about everything I can.  Doubtful I'll get any sleep though.

If I've hurt anyone by a certain part of this...I'm sorry. I tried to dull the blow but it still hurts.  And I fucked that up, too. :)  At least I'm consistent!!

I did think a while ago about posting something for any guy that would be interested in taking me out.  You wanna know my likes, dislikes, etc?  Talk to my brothers.  You want to do right by me...you gotta get through them.  Sure I may be putting them on the spot and giving them a lot of responsibility but I know they worry about me and as Mike said he's "tired of having these conversations with me."  So if you're serious about it, man up and talk to one or both of them.

This pessimist is tired, so I'm gonna wrap this up for now.

And if you made it this far...well, damn.  Good job.

A Drive...

Turn down, leave the the bright lights of the town behind.  So many lights, so bright here you wouldn't even need your headlights to drive at night.  Make another turn, and again, til I get to a road I know well...innocuous name in and of itself, but I know from experience that this one has many turns, and leads to more like it.  Eventually it turns into another road that leads back to one of the main roads through the county. 
There's cars here and there...houses scattered about.  Time to turn the music off.  Looking up there are no lights...unless you count the stars in the sky.
Another quick turn then back onto another back road...down hills, around curves...through S-turns and down this road with no shoulder.  Turn onto another road that'll take you clear to the west side of the county.  Come up a hill...that farm over there is where we went cow tipping once.  Right past it is where there was a fatal accident...only the infant survived.  Say a prayer as that feeling hits me.  Around a turn and up a hill...make a turn then a quick left...yeah, Bumpy Oak Road.  Pass through an area known as Pomonkey...it's not a town, but there's a place there with a giant satellite dish that if you're brave (dumb) enough to climb to the top you can see for miles...even see our Nation's Capital on a clear night.  Down through the back road, windows down...a little smirk as a smell crosses my nose and I think "skunk."  Cross the railroad tracks, up the hill...nothing but woods and field.  Cross a creek...hell, cross a dozen creeks before you hit the next intersection...
When given the choice of north or south...head south...
On to the road known as Chicamuxen Road.  Runs right down the west-southwest side of the county, along the Potomac.  Can't see it due to the forest and farms.  Lots of roads and places around here with Native American names...roads named after family farms, randomness...even pass a sign that says "FD Water Supply"...no hydrants for miles.
Through areas known as Pisgah...Marbury...Rison...pass the place where they dispose of warfare...not seeing another soul for miles...unless you count the deer and occasional raccoon.  Pass a state park...pass a sign that says :Shoulder Ends."  Down this road that hasn't been paved in years.  Probably the only people that come down here are the people that live here and the county sheriff when need be.
Haven't seen another car for a while.  Doesn't matter though.  It's nice and quiet...only hear the sounds of my car and nature when I slow down enough to take it in.  Nice break from the sounds of the city...nice to be able to gather my thoughts and relax...thinking about everything yet sometimes nothing at all. 
Headlights light up the road right in front of me...really, right in front of me.  Looks like I'm driving into oblivion.  Put the high beams on and all of a sudden I can see the hill ahead on a straight part of the road.  On the curves...well, you can't even tell which way it's gonna turn through the curve until you crest the hill...or, you know the road...
Nanjemoy...Ironsides...nothing really around here.  There's the rescue squad and the store...where the speed limit drops from 50 to 35 and right back to 50...all in about a mile, with no warning. 
Oh yeah, Blue Dog Saloon.  If you're from Southern MD you know the legend of the Blue Dog.  Back in high school we used to drive around these parts trying to catch a glimpse of that damn blue dog,
Pass Poorhouse Road (insert Foxworthy joke here..."if directions to your house include 'turn off the paved road...'")...soon will be in Port Tobacco proper.  Where the Community Center damn near burned down years back.  Took every tanker in the county, refilling them from the rivers and creeks...yes, drafting.  And that's when Tanker 11 flipped on one of these back roads too...

Pass the road that leads to the marina where we did our water rescue training...that was a fun day on the bay :)  And the place that has the one of the oldest Catholic parishes in the states...gorgeous lil chapel with a great view of the water.
By now the road has a shoulder, the road is freshly paved, and there's a sign warning for a lower speed.  It's getting brighter, and the town lies ahead.  Seeing the first stop light for almost an hour.  Pass the one car dealership in town, the sheriff, the county jail...and the lights of the town fade behind me.  Down another road without a shoulder.  More curves, twists and turns.  Down an unlined road...surprisingly, no deer here tonight.  To a place where you don't have to worry about locking your car at night, where you have to pass through woods to see your neighbors, and when you wake up in the morning, it's quiet.  No sounds of cars, and all you see are the woods and a grassy front yard.  Would be nice as hell to see some snow though.
Perfect night for a drive like this.
A lot of people say Southern Maryland isn't country.  Sure, if all you think is Waldorf then I'd have to agree.  Take a ride down some of these roads one night and see.
G'night folks.

Happy Hallmark Holiday!

I was going to post a status on FB, but there is way too much to say about this.

Valentine's Day...dreaded by many, loved by few.  I gotta say...I was never really a fan of Valentine's Day.  Until I was in a long relationship.  Then I learned to hate it once again.  I usually schedule myself to work on said holiday...occasionally I will take off to hang out with friends (Katie and I had a blast last year), but for the most part, I'd rather work than get my hopes up.  If you're thinking "Man this is sad"...don't.  If you haven't figured out by now that I am a pessimist, you need to review a few blogs.

Ladies...if this holiday is important to you, tell your man.  Write it on the calendar.  Leave a post-it note on his 12 pack of beer.  Tell him straight up, "Honey, I want to do something for Valentine's Day." Most guys are dense.  They will not pick up on the slight hints.  If you want flowers, make sure he knows your favorite kind (or whatever kind will do).  Forward him deals on Valentine's bouquets.  Print out/cut out ads for jewelry.  Tell him your favorite restaurant is having a Valentine's dinner special.  We expect a lot out of them, and honestly...they're guys.  Some of the older ones get it...the younger ones need a lil extra prodding.

Gents...if your girl hints about Valentine's Day, does any of the above things...DO IT (if it is within your means).  If you can't...explain to your girl ahead of time that it's a little hard for you to do something but definitely make it up to her in some other way.  Homemade things are awesome.  A card is amazing...it's like pulling teeth to get a guy down the card aisle before/on Valentine's Day but seriously dudes...picking out the right card and a simple rose works if you can't afford an expensive dinner/overpriced bouquet/fancy jewelry.  When we say it's the thought that counts...unless she's a total bitch it's true.

Girls...if he remembers your birthday, fantastic.  If he remembers your anniversary...be thankful.  This is just another day out of the year.  If he forgets or doesn't do anything...it's really not the end of the world.  If you had expectations, got your hopes up but didn't express it...well, I hate to say it's your own fault but I will.  I've been there...and yes, it was my fault I didn't express my opinion about that holiday.  At the time, yes I was pissed.  But really...looking back...it wasn't that big of a deal.  I didn't let him know that I wanted anything special.  In the future I did and man...it worked!!  Even got my favorite flowers once or twice.  It's amazing what a little extra work on our part can do.  And don't forget to reciprocate...for example, if you two can't afford a big celebration and he gets you a nice card/flowers/etc...how about a nice home-cooked meal (or decent takeout if your kitchen timer is the smoke detector)?  We can't expect everything from them.  Just remember...this is a commercial holiday created to boost card sales in the middle of the fiscal year.

So if you're in a committed relationship, I hope you have a fantastic Valentine's Day.  If it fails, take the above into consideration for future V-days.  If you're single...have fun!!  Get together with other single friends, get a bottle of wine, pints of ice cream...whatever!  Just think...it ain't gonna last forever.  Enjoy a little bit of freedom and not having to stress over failing this holiday.

And with that, I bid you adieu. 

So what had happened was...

Alright...two months post-surgery, I guess I have a few to fill y'all in on what happened.  Gonna be a long one, so saddle up boys and girls.

November 16: went to work, had pain in my left eye.  It felt like it was swollen.

November 17: woke up with my left eye swollen.  It looked like angioedema so I was popping 50 mg of Benadryl every four hours.  Swelling went down.

November 18: woke up with my left eye swollen even more, tilted down and to the left, with double vision.

November 19: went to the ED.  Had post-septal cellulitis, cranial nerve III palsy, vertical diplopia, dilated pupil, proptosis and ptosis. Labs were normal.  MRI with contrast done, revealed a retrobulbar mass, approximately 3 cm in diameter.  Loaded with Ativan...Transferred to Johns Hopkins for further eval.  CT scan done with contrast.  Seen by ophthalmology and ENT...why ENT? Had the most thorough eye exam EVER.  They measured the actual degree of double vision.  ENT resident came to see me...they said they thought it was a mucocele...WTF is that...started in my left ethmoid sinus, broke through the bone and started growing behind and over my eye.  Started on steroids (I had been saying I needed steroids since the 17th)...eye swelling went down after a few days and double vision resolved by the day after Thanksgiving.

November 27: saw the head of sinus surgery at Hopkins.  They asked about how all this came about.  I told them I woke up one morning with my eye swollen, took a pic and sent it to a nurse I work with who showed it to a PA.  They were like "You have pictures of it?" Me: "Of course I have pictures" (they obviously don't know people in EMS).  Scoped me in the office and explained the surgery...they would cut it, remove what they could of the outer covering (not all because part of it had attached to the bone between the eye and the brain and they didn't want to risk a CSF leak).  They said they may have to do a septoplasty as well.  Me? I was like "Whatever, just get this thing outta my face."

December 5: Surgery bright and early at Hopkins.  Had a sit-down with the anesthesiology resident...
Me: What size tube are you using?
Doc: 7.5
Me: Are you using the Glidescope or laryngoscope?
Doc: (laughing) laryngoscope
Me: Don't click my teeth.
Doc: (more laughing) OK
Me: Don't give me Dilaudid after surgery unless you want them to clean up the mess.  They gave me Dilaudid before, then Zofran, Compazine, Reglan, Phenergan, and put a scopolamine patch on me and I was still heaving.
Doc: OK (laughing)
Me: Oh yeah...I get pretty bad post-op nausea, so you need to medicate.  And I have a high pain tolerance, so no need to go overboard with the stuff.
Doc: Gotcha.  Anything else?
Me: Nah...that's it.

My surgeon was awesome. They wheeled me in to the OR, I moved over to the table. I'm bsing with the OR staff.  My nurse is giving me hell...I'm joking around with them all.  They strap my arms in..."This is Fentanyl" they said...and the room started spinning.  I started giggling and said "Woah." They said "This is Propofol" and I said "Ah! Milk of amnesia!"  The whole room started laughing and my nurse says "Oh, you know this one?" I said "Yep!  Night night." And I was out.

I woke up...feeling like I got punched in the face a bunch of times.  Fentanyl is an amazing drug...I got two doses in PACU, as well as a lot of Zofran and the scopolamine patch...again lol.  I felt like I got an uppercut to the nose and punched in the mouth...the resident, in his humor, had taped the tube down on my lower lip, leaving me with a fat lip. Ha. Ha. They had to do the septoplasty too, so I had sutures inside my nose.  I saw my mom and asked for a Slurpee.  My throat was so sore from the tube...turns out when they pulled the tube I didn't want to start breathing on my own again...whoops.  I told the anesthesiologist I was a little tired..I'd been up for three days before the surgery.  :)

When I was finally cleared to leave, I made the mistake of leaning forward to grab my bag of clothes and get dressed.  Hello epistaxis!!  "Ahh!" I yelled.  My nurse was next door and hollered "What?" I yelled back "I sprung a leak!" She comes in laughing at me and said it was common, so she taped a gauze pad under my nose and let me get dressed.  Four hour surgery, two to three hours in PACU and I was on my way to the hotel....with a couple of stops first.

7-eleven to get a Slurpee.  My mother has a great sense of humor.  I'm in the store, with a gauze pad taped under my nose, trying to buy an extra-large strawberry Slurpee with cash...post-op, post-anesthesia, and post-Fentanyl.  Hilarious I tell ya.  LMAO...Love her :)

I slept sitting up for the first few nights.  The saline rinses SUCKED.  Post-op instructions said not to blow my nose.  Hardest thing ever.  Back to Baltimore after a couple days recovering.

Now...here's the kicker.  No pain meds after leaving the hospital.  Not even Tylenol.  I felt fine.  I wasn't even bruised.  A little swollen, but no bruising.  My nose only hurt if I touched it...so I didn't touch it.  Not rocket science here.

First post-op visit included scope and debridement.  Lemme tell ya...debridements SUCK.  Pulling the sutures out of my septum was the worst...because they can't numb it with Tertracaine.  So here's the scope...
Doc turns the screen toward me
Doc: Can you see that? (with the scope up my nose)
Me: Yep.
Doc: You see that big white thing there?
Me: Yep.
Doc: That's your eye.
Me: That's so cool!

The doc also told me that when I was under they pressed on my eye from the outside and could see it move on the inside once they removed the mass.  I told him that's something I would do too, so it's all good.  Second post-op visit was a week later...that debridement was the worst.  The doc couldn't get the scabbing with suction and had to use forceps.  I told him "you know my pain tolerance" and he said "I know but I don't want to push it."  Final measurement...3.5 cm mucocele, extending from the ethmoid air cells to behind the globe of the eye.  Kinda big for something in the face.

I was back to work the next day, two weeks after surgery.

Had my last appointment last week.  The surgeon said that the bone won't grow back.  My question was..."Doc, just tell me...I'm not going to have snot behind my eye, right?" He laughed..."No, there is a membrane there separating it.  You don't need to come back unless your eye starts swelling again."  "Sweet."

Yes, I know my sense of humor is sick and twisted...but really, what else do you expect from me?  Want me to lie down all "woe is me" and crap?  Hell no.  Ain't in my nature.

So that's it...the joke, according to my brother, was I was "all Quasimodo-ing it up" for a few weeks.  I have anisocoria...but I've had that for a while.  No more proptosis or CN III palsy.  I'm as normal as I was before...if you could even call it that.

So now you know.  Fun times, right?  The thing that sucked is everyone was looking at me like "Oh shit."  I never get sick, complain, etc.  I handle it on my own, and I handle things for everyone else.  Everyone looks to me...as my aunt said, I'm the family's "rock."  I couldn't be out of commission for that long.  So here I am :)

Now...sleep.

So...

...unbelievably happy. Passed the paramedic practical exam. Hardest exam done, now to finish clinicals and then I can take my written exam. So much to say, but going to wait until I'm done with clinicals. That is all for now.

OMG a Vacay...

I know once I get back to Baltimore, life will return to it's usual craziness in short order, so I figured I'd get a post in while I could.

Yeah, so if things don't pan out with this one job, I'll be moving here early next year.  And even if things go well with that job, I'm moving here after I'm done. 
I have not been this "at ease" in a long, long time.  And seriously...I know they are family but after knowing me in person only a few hours, they are opening up their homes to me to stay?  Not to mention how excited they all are that I want to come out here to work.. Unbelievable how different things are out here.

The crew from HCMC seemed to agree as well.  It's funny to meet a paramedic that actually enjoys their job.  Oh wait, not just one, but the FOUR that I rode with plus numerous other medics that I encountered there.  The toys they have are nice, but it's funny when they look at the MD protocols and say "that's it?"
I would talk about the calls I ran, but if you want to know details, I'll be happy to share what little I can in person.  Actually had a first for me on my ride along...amazing lol.

Sara's wedding?  Short and sweet.  She was such a beautiful bride!! I'm so happy she found a guy as awesome as Jake. My cousins couldn't get me on the dance floor for the bouquet toss, but they got me out to dance (thanks Jade and Jen!).  And besides...my aunt took care of catching the bouquet anyway! :)

Had a great talk with my cousin Dan.  My cousins are really more like brothers and sisters to me.  I realize that now after spending the weekend with them.  And Sara-I totally understand how you would be nervous with your uncles meeting Jake...I mean, if I had two uncles that were the size of linebackers, I'd be a little worried too.  But wait, I have two cousins the size of linebackers, so I think my dating life in the midwest would be A-OK :)

I'll be back to Minnesota for my cousin Maddi's 21st in September.  Also hopefully get another ride along and maybe an interview or two in while I can.  This place is gorgeous...heavenly.  I know the winters are rough and the summers...well I was told "DEET will be your friend"...nuff said.

I can honestly say I don't want to leave.  If I didn't have class on Monday, I wouldn't be going back east.  My cousins have all offered me a place to stay and help getting settled, as well as working their connections to help me get a job out here.  Really?  Who would turn this down?

My cousins...amazing.  I love each and every one of you!! In these few days I have realized how important family is.  Even if we had only been Facebook friends before, we are definitely closer now.  I know I would never be alone when I come out here.

Anyways, I have an early flight.  Got plenty to get to once I get back to Baltimore.  Notice how I didn't say "once I get home?"  Yeah....

Hi!

Yes, I'm still alive (much to the dismay of a few I'm sure).

Just wanted to say I'm still here...a recluse, but here.

That is all.

Drama

Last post deleted.

Why?  You people feed on the drama and try to start shit.

Me?  I'm trying to do something not only to make myself feel better and start my healing process after dealing with the abuse and increase awareness for people that may be in the same or similar situations, and people that aren't even on my friends list blow it out of proportion.

As he would say, that's just me being selfish again, and if it's not important to Steph it's not worth her concern.

That's what I get, and that's what I deserve.  Losing.

I'm done with this bullshit.  I was trying to help others and hoping he would get the help he needs...and yes, I did it to start to make myself feel better, but I'm told it was cold hearted and bitchy.

You haven't seen anything yet.

Fun Times...

Saw Jeff Dunham with my parents last night...hilarious!  I swear I was laughing so hard I was crying.  It was great.  I'm definitely going to have to get the DVD of that tour.

Slept in at the station last Thursday and this past Tuesday.  Also rode for a few hours Monday night, four calls total, no transports...it's ridiculous.  I can't wait til I finish this class and become a cleared ALS provider, so I can actually do something other than take vitals.  Had another crew come over and hang out with us Wednesday morning while we were bored at the station.  Ever since I moved out of the firehouse, I don't sleep there.  I just stay up and do homework.  So this crew came over...lots of laughs, lots of great times.  Funny thing is I'm usually going over to their station and hanging out there on my way home.

 I ended up having to work Wednesday morning at 0930.  So I was up for over 40 hours straight.  I was going to unattend the ambo at 0500 so I could go home, get a shower and get ready for work, but this is what we got dispatched for at 0459 on the BW Parkway:

So, needless to say, I didn't go home until 0630 after finishing my report and taking care of things there.  I'm spending a lot more time there lately.  I won't be captain next year, so that's exciting news!  Less responsibility there and more time to dedicate to my studies?  Heck yeah!  Plus maybe I can regain a social life, since it has been ruined by paramedic school, obligations, and that jerk.

Life?  Loving it.  My brother has about 75 days til he comes home from overseas!  My cousin is getting married in June...have to miss the rave but I get to see my family and spend a few days out there with them.  Not going to pass this up.  The rave will be there next year.

The sad thing is that my work schedule is about to suck terribly.  One of the fast track techs is out, so the other tech and I have to rearrange our schedules and split shifts to get it all covered.  There are also two techs out in the main ED, and with us coming into what in that past has been our busy season, saying it's going to be rough is probably an understatement.  The good thing is we have a great team and we have worked through worse.  We'll be fine...would just be nice if everyone would go and get their flu shots...thanks.

Life...fantastic.  Love taking each day as it comes...life is fun when it's so unpredictable.  I'm actually ok with that...believe it or not.  I get to spend time with my friend whenever we can...even if it is getting an upgrade. :)

Now, off to breakfast with my parents.  More to come before the new year.

Thanks...for everything

The last post was about reflecting on the last year.  I've done quite a bit of looking back lately.  Not saying I want to go back and change anything, just saying I'm looking over things.  These last two days, I've realized I have a hell of a lot to be thankful for.

A year ago I was in a completely different place.  Details aside, I had a lot of things going on.  Bottom line, I needed to grow up and move on, no matter what was said or done before Christmas.  That I have most certainly done. :) Have I forgotten?  Absolutely not.  We save our memories and learn from our mistakes...I think I've said this before...

Given everything that has transpired over the last year, before I make any resolutions, I figure I should look at the positive things...here goes nothing!

I'm thankful first for my family...including all my non-biological brothers and sisters.  My brothers have been there for me more than anything over the last year (I am grateful for my sisters, new and old).  It seemed like any time I stumbled, my brothers were there with hugs and drinks and offers to beat someone up.  I love them.  Especially with the last one...hell my brother is threatening him from another country and others are ready to stake out at my apartment, daring him to come by (my dad still wants to break his arms and legs)...I suppose that should be a warning to anyone that wants to take me out on a date, huh (seriously you won't treat me badly so you have nothing to worry about...relax).  My mom has been my voice of reason and reassurance...assuring me that it will get better, I will move past this, and these are just minor setbacks.  My brother Dave supporting me no matter what and being there for me when the shit hits the fan...and encouraging me to take more control over my life.  My brother Mike...coming up with the funniest yet most simple (not in a bad way) nicknames for the guys I have dated...he has kept me laughing through the tears.  My aunt who helped me regain the confidence I lost...I don't know what I would have done without my family this year.

My friends...old and new.  you guys (for the most part) have stood beside me no matter what...through some pretty poor decisions and through some of the best times ever.  I am so grateful to have people like you in my life.  I really can't say it enough.  I could go over every last detail...the nights staying up texting, the trips to the bar to vent, the comments here and on Facebook...I don't know how I'd be here without you all.  Luby for taking a trip with me one night and playing bodyguard, Francischelli for helping me change my life and get motivated to get healthy, Sean Myers for motivating me to quit smoking (5 months free and over $1000 saved!), Tommy for being there for me at every turn, Ms. Whipps for being a wonderful wife, Ben and El and Andy for helping me move all my crap from the house, City 9 for all the lessons and experience, Moon and Jersey for jumping up to help me with stuff at the station, Heather for always being my voice of confidence and helping me in more ways than she ever knows, 5C for being there for me recently (and the sweet setup!), 5 B&D for always being there...I would take the time to acknowledge you all personally, but this blog would go on forever.  You all know who you are and what you have done.  If I haven't said it before...thank you.

My roommate...thank you.  Hell I might still be living at the station if it weren't for you.  Thanks for bearing with me and my hellish schedule.  I know we never see each other, but I sincerely thank you for helping me out when I really needed it and for the advice you have given me over the last few weeks.

My new friend Jordan...I'm not sure if you fully understand how great of a person you are.  You have so much to offer, and have a great future in EMS.  I look forward to helping you achieve your goals, and I thank you for playing "middle man" and helping me out recently.  You are a wonderful and amazing person...don't ever let anyone tell you differently or treat you substandard.  You deserve nothing but the best.

My coworkers...I haven't been completely there this past year.  I've been distracted by others...and thank you for working with me on my schedule with clinicals. 

To those that I have been out with here and there...thanks for the fun times.  I'm very grateful for the times we have had.  You all are dear to me, but with everything that has occurred in the last year, I'm being super cautious.  And from what my brother Mike just said (literally), he has to approve of any guy that I'm talking to.  And Anthony has to second it. Hate to say it but this may be hard...though Anthony says anyone who buys him drinks is good in his book (after what he said about my ex I wouldn't believe it though).

And to that one person who makes me light up...we still have a long way to go, but at least you've finally opened up.  :) I can't wait til we can hang out again.  I'm grateful for the time we have spent together, how you have opened up, and look forward to the time we will spend together in the future. 

I'm not going to be introducing anyone to my family...they've been through enough with the last two.  Of course, anyone that wants to date me has to go through my brothers first...not really my choice, but you can understand they have become quite protective over me after the last one.  I know I have a say in this, but I'm going to leave this up to them...Also, I don't have to hear from them if things go awry.  For their protection and oversight, I am grateful.

There are many more things, especially the little things, that I am grateful for on a daily basis.  I don't take anything for granted anymore...life is way too precious and even though we may not seem this way initially...we are all fragile.  The appreciation of the human frailty and condition...something that does not come naturally, but with experience. :)

Til next time kiddies...

Reflections...

It's that time of year again...life is a funny thing.  I'm in a completely different place today than I was a year ago.  Never expected to be here, but we take things as they come, roll with the punches, and do our best to come out with our heads above water.

I know last year I laid out relationship expectations...you know what?  It's nice to not have any expectations for once.  I did say that I needed someone who would make me the most important thing in their life...nah, I don't.  They say you don't know what you have til it's gone, and the grass is always greener...damn if that ain't the truth.  I did have someone that made me the whole focus of his life...damned if I ever want that again.  I like my "me" time.  Yes, it is nice to have someone, and it is wonderful having someone to fall asleep next to and wake up next to...but it's not necessary. 

I don't have any expectations.  As a wise person has said...expectations lead to disappointment.  I'm just enjoying life and going with the flow.  Do I wish I had more time?  Absolutely...however, I'm not demanding of it.  I know how to prioritize, and my focus right now is on paramedic class.  Clinicals are coming into full swing, and my free time is dropping to nothing.  Yes, I have learned to cherish every moment..  I've also learned to not put all my eggs in one basket.  Things happen for a reason, and I'm not trying to force anything to happen.  I'm pleased with the recent turn of events, but I'm thinking the same thing...taking time to let things develop the way we want them to. 

As far as those resolutions I made...this is the part I have been avoiding...
1- No more being nice: I have, for the most part, kept up with this.  I've been selective with my sweetness :)
2- No more mincing words: I've said it already...the smartass is back.  Deal with it.
3- No more being walked on or being used: I've closed that chapter.  I can't believe I let it happen, but it did.  Never again.
4- Hit the gym 2 nights a week: Ok ok, only recently have I been able to keep up with this.  I am doing it though.
5- Living for myself and  no one else: See #3
6- Problem arises: Absolutely.  I've stuck by this one more than any other that I made.  I have not wasted my time trying to fix things when there is nothing I can do.

This year was the year of...learning.  I learned a lot in class, learned a lot about myself.  I also (if anyone knows anything about astrology) have gone through my Saturn return...honestly, if this is what the first one is like, I'm really not looking forward to the next.  At least I won't have to worry about that til I'm 56. :)

I know I have said I've sworn off relationships and dating and such.  I keep saying I'm not going to have a family (because you gotta find a guy who is not a complete asshole first) and I'm just going to live vicariously through my friends.  My good friend Heather said last night I'd be selling myself short if I didn't have kids cause I'm such a natural...and I'm one of the few people she trusts with hers, so I guess that says something.  I gotta admit...the morning after I put her lil ones to bed and her son woke up and was looking around and said "Stephie?  Stephie?"...I got all mushy and couldn't help but get that warm feeling inside.
Oh well.

I have had my share of failures this year, but honestly that's part of life.  We gotta take them as they come, and learn from them.  There are things in our lives that when they happen, they can destroy us or make us stronger.  After the last half of this year, I felt destroyed...broken.  I look back at the events and the person I am now, and I am stronger than ever.  I'm not bitter...I'm not wasting my time with it.  There's so much more to do and experience, if I waste my time hating/regretting things/people...I'm going to miss out on some fantastic experiences.  I'm not doing that anymore.  Yes this next year is going to suck, but it's all the process of working towards my ultimate goal, and in a little over a year I will be on the beach in Hawaii getting burned...

All those negative people in my life?  Gone.  I surround myself with good, honest people.  These people don't bring me down just to make themselves feel better.  And those that did?  Well, there are plenty of rumors going around about me, and I have them to thank.  Whatever...I know the truth.  I like the cool people I hang out with :)

I am happy with how life is right now.  I enjoy myself, I enjoy my friends.  Is there room for improvement?  Absolutely.  There is always room for improvement.  I'm not stressing :)  And, if things go awry, it's not the end of the world...just gotta keep moving.

Resolutions will come soon. :)  For now, gotta keep myself awake and alert at the station.  My first night staying in for a long time.  That too will change.

Life is About What Path You Take, and my Ex Chose the Psychopath...

Ok...so apparently the asshole didn't read the last blog.  After reviewing the status of things, these are the results:
-Between 12/1/11 and 12/14/11, he texted me 105 times.  And we broke up in October.
-He told me he broke up with his new girlfriend because she was trying to tell him who he could and couldn't be friends with.  Turns out she dumped him because he wasn't over me.  Whoops.
-Found out he would drive past my house while working, just to see if I was home when I said I was working (believe it or not, I was actually working).  Creepy.
-I blocked his number, so he proceeded to email me AND inbox me on FB to ask why I blocked his number.
-After talking to some friends and weighing my options, I decided to respond to his email with this:
"We are not friends. We have no reason to keep in touch. You text me to excess. Do not contact me at all. Do not text me, do not email me, do not inbox me on facebook. We stopped dating two months ago. You have no reason to contact me or see me. If you continue to do such after I have clearly asked you not to, I will pursue further action. Do not respond to this email."

I think I got my point across. :)  He now calls me "a fucking bitch" and says I "treated him like shit."

Thank you, I'll take that as a compliment.  Coming from a psychopath that my brother referred to as Norman Bates (he's now been downgraded to "anal bead," or "AB" for short)...thanks. :)  I've never felt better. 

Chris, if you do actually read this...just know, if you ever do decide to contact me again, I will drop whatever I am doing and make that trip to the Baltimore County Commissioner.  I will have the emails, the messages, and statements from people that you drove past my house and that they saw whatever vehicle you were in at the time parked outside the house at all hours.  I don't care.  Guess what?  You don't run my life anymore.  I never should have let you get that power over me.  Seriously??? You made me back into a corner and cower...I don't do that.  I'm fucking Stephanie Forbes...the same chick that grabbed a guy almost a foot taller than me who was tripping and trying to get into our tent at the rave by the shirt and pushed him around.  Yeah.  I don't do that.  You know what he needs?  A trophy wife.  Someone who will do his cooking and cleaning, have dinner ready for him when he comes home from work, does exactly as he says, and has no brain.  Ugh...

This is it, the last I ever write of you.  I've closed that chapter of my life, and believe me I will never bow to anyone again or do their bidding.  I'm not that kind of chick.
And God forbid you decide you want to spread any of my business or drag my name through the mud...you will regret ever coming to Maryland...believe me.

Thank you Jimmy V for my title :)

A notice...

So I was so excited two days ago when I thought that guy I had dated was finally leaving me alone.  We're not friends on FB anymore, so Chris, if you are reading this...this is for you:
-MY dad made it out of surgery well.  Thanks for asking.
-I passed my pharm exam.
-Congrats on passing rescue tech.
-No we cannot ride soon.  We are not going to ride anytime...ever...again.  Sure, I know you had a lot of fun riding with me and consider me a great EMT but really...with how you speak of other providers (whether it is true or not)...you don't have respect for most of the people you work with.

I'm going out and having fun.  I'm spending time with my friends. I don't really go to the bar, well, let's just give credit to conditioning...you get punished every time you go to the bar with a friend, you don't want to go to the bar anymore.  I know you said you ended it with your new girlfriend because she was trying to control who you were friends with...wait, what?  Does that sound familiar?  A significant other making their partner choose between them and their friends?  Obviously you missed that one.  I cannot count the number of times you made me choose between you and my friends.  The majority of the time I was a fool and chose you.  And those times I actually went and hung out with my friends?  Do you remember the night I went to the bar with my friend, my phone was dead from you texting me all day, and you drove past my house, the bar, the firehouse and then to my house again looking for me?  And when you came in, how you were so furious with me you were shaking?  I went out for a few hours, had a couple of drinks and caught up with my friend, and because you could not reach me you tried to hunt me down then exploded.  How about the time when I didn't text you when I left work, when I got to the bar, when I left, when I got home and then proceeded to yell at me on the phone for three hours??  Do you remember that?

I know you have said that you made a lot of mistakes with our relationship.  My biggest mistake?  Not walking away the first time you yelled at me.  You have no idea how broken, beaten down, destroyed I felt after dating you...but now I realize how much stronger of a person I am because of it.  I'm not taking any bullshit.  Not from anyone else, and certainly not from you.  I know you are "turning over a new leaf" and trying to be nice now, but I want no part of it.  I wish you luck, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, with your future endeavors.  I know you said I have destroyed you...think whatever you want to make yourself feel better and have people take pity on you. 

Leave me alone.  I have not moved on to another relationship, but I have moved on from you.  I should have a long time ago, but after two failed relationships in a year I thought I deserved it all.  I didn't deserve a single minute of it.  As you said..."Think Steph.  After three relationships ending in a year, did you ever think that it wasn't the other person that was the problem...that maybe it was you?"  Yeah, I did stop and think.  I thought long and hard about it, and yes, I was the problem.  I sat there and took bullshit from you.  I had bigger dreams than Flounder did.  And I didn't appreciate Jon.  I know what I did.  I know what my problems were.  I am conscious and aware of all of my mistakes, and I WILL NOT repeat them.  I am a different person now.  That person...doesn't exist anymore.

In no way do I want to make him seem like a bad person...I'm simply telling the truth about what transpired.  That chapter of my life is over.  The same thing with the others...I have closed the book on them, and I have moved on.  Honestly, I haven't been this happy in a long time.  I know the person I am, and I am quite proud of the person I have become.  I like me.  Like I said, I'm not changing a thing about myself.  Sure, I'm making healthier choices as far as foods and friends go, but really...I am me.  And yes, I am pretty awesome :)

Gripes, bitches, complaints...take them elsewhere.  Compliments...welcome :)

Winning

So my ex used to say (all the time) that he was "winning like Charlie Sheen" or "winning before Charlie Sheen knew what it was"...ugh.
So bloody annoying.  If only...nevermind :)

So here's the winning part.  He finally is leaving me alone.  Rock on bitches, I'm free!!!
I love it.  I seriously have not felt this good in...well,  forever. 

Aside from that mess, I have lost a good friend...not by my doing, but it's his choice.  If he ever decides he wants to man up and be friends again, he knows where to find me.

I've hung out with a few new people over the last week.  All awesome in their own regard.  It's nice...shows me that there are still good people out there, and ones that can actually respect a female and not be after one thing and one thing only.  I've had such a great time with my new friends, and haven't smiled this much in so long.

Honestly, at the end of last week, it was like my world was crashing again for like the millionth time this year.  What happens when your world ends up in flames?  The Phoenix rises from the ashes.  Here I am, and I'm not going anywhere.

Next on the agenda?  Continuing to make more time for myself.  Sticking to my 90 day challenge, getting to the gym more often, starting to take walks around the neighborhood.  More "me" time, more time at home with the family.  More time for friends...and that's one thing...I have been a terrible friend!!  I have lost touch with so many of my friends, and I haven't been there when they needed me.  Well that changes now.  I know in a relationship you are supposed to put your significant other first, but when they dominate all of your time and you cannot keep in touch or hang out with your friends, this becomes a problem. 

So that's it...I have these white boards (and dry erase calendars) next to my mirror so I can keep track of my hectic life.  On one of these boards, I have written "putting yourself first is never being selfish" and "if you don't take care of yourself, who will?"  After I was called "the most selfish person" someone had ever met, I stopped doing things for myself and making my life the priority...and we see where that got me. 

With my new found freedom?  Well, hectic week aside, Saturday I'm seeing a friend I haven't hung out with since July.  We might even go dancing...love it!  Sunday...birthday party for one of my kids (babysitting, not really spawn), then who knows what Sunday night.  Weekend after?  Work Friday, off Saturday and Sunday, looking for things to do (though if nothing is going on here, I may be home that weekend).  It's nice to plan things...haha, as they come :)

Feeling so much better than I have in a long, long time.  I'm not going to generate any expectations...I'm just truly enjoying the time I get to spend with people and taking each day as it comes. 

And though I may be doing the 90 day challenge, I'm not considering that a diet (I was asked today if I'm on a diet...I'm just being more sensible about a lot of things).  After thinking about it, though, I am on a diet.  A no-bullshit diet.

G'night folks.

Just some thoughts...

So, as far as relationships go, I've had my fair share of it this past year.  I've learned what I want, and what I don't want in a relationship.  If I ever venture back into that territory, I have a clear idea of what I want.  I have also learned my faults, and where I have gone wrong.

First off, where I went wrong.  I know I did not communicate well enough, and I know I didn't appreciate enough of the little things.  I expected too much...I know I expressed my disappointment with things plenty of times when I did not acknowledge the little things that were being done on a daily basis. 

Some people say relationships are about "give and take."  I think that is wrong.  Relationships should be about giving and sharing.  When you say that a relationship is about give and take, it puts the wrong idea in people's heads.  It's not about what you give to/do for me and what I give to/do for you.  It's about appreciating the other person on a daily basis.  It's not about material things, giving gifts, etc...sure, those things are nice, but not necessary.  It is not about what you give to me and what I take and vice versa.  That's not a relationship.  What is more important to me is being respected and treated like a human being.

I am not a doll.  I am who I am, and that is not going to change.  I like the person I am now.  I think I'm pretty darn cool.  I understand some guys like certain things, certain clothes...I'm really not a person to wear pink.  I think I own three pink things...now, anyways.  I'm more in favor of the neutral colors, and will occasionally wear red (for hockey, of course). 
Not many guys mind the hockey thing.  Yes, I am a Caps fan.  I'm also a Skins fan (I know, I know).  I don't really follow football much or baseball.
I have tattoos...nine of them, in fact.  I want more.  Yes, I have tattoos on my upper back and shoulders.  No, I did not think of "wearing a wedding dress" when I got them.  Chances are, if I ever do get married (IF), they will be visible.  Do I care?  Absolutely not.  They are a part of me, I got them for a reason, and they are pretty.  They aren't going anywhere.
And along those same lines...I have piercings.  My ears are gauged to a 4 ga.  Maybe once I grow up a little more I'll take them out and let them close a little.  They won't ever close all the way, and that is a choice I made when I was younger.  I have piercings in my ears, nose, tongue...that's it.  For the time being, they are all staying where they are.

My schedule...hectic.  I have bills to pay, and I do like going out and having fun.  My class/clinical schedule doesn't allow for much leniency,  I work long hours, and I like to relax and unwind at the end of the day.  I do like curling up on the couch and watching TV or a movie, but I am sleep deprived (doctor told me so), so the chances of me falling asleep are high.  If that is a problem, then I can just go to sleep, however, when I get home from work, that is what I do.  Also, I work certain events every year.  Some of them I enjoy working because of the type of event, others I'm expected to be there by the event organizers because of my experience working said event.  I'm not going to pass these up.  In addition, I'm a pretty good babysitter, and spend a lot of my evenings watching little ones for people I work with.  I used to consider it practice, but now I just do it because I enjoy it.
I do make time, but until I am in the position where I have a career and a set schedule, I have to work extra to get all my bases covered.

A relationship is about being there for the other person.  I know that there were times I failed at this, but this was another issue...my dad is great, but his health is not.  There have been times when I've gotten a phone call and had to leave Baltimore with short notice.  My brothers and I have banded together and help out where we can, but the thing is that until my brother is back from overseas, it's just me and Mike, and I'm not putting all the medical issues on him.  It's not fair.  If something happens, I don't need someone there by my side (though it is nice), I just need to know that if I need something taken care of while I'm out of town, that person will be there to help.

On that note...yeah I really like to do things myself.  I think someone put it best when he said "Be helpful when the situation arises, but don't try to force the situation to occur."  I'm so used to doing everything on my own, I really don't know when to ask for help.  I just make it happen. 
 I do have strong opinions about some things, but with most things on a daily basis I'm pretty laid back.  I still stand by what I said a year ago...if I can do something about it, great.  If not, don't dwell on the issue.  Move on to something productive.

My family is very important to me.  My brother Mike is one of my best friends.  Also, my brothers have a bunch of friends that I consider brothers.  We hang out, we laugh, we play games, we drink.  We have a blast.  I have gone out in the middle of the night to help my brothers when they call.  It happens...and I guess I'm like a big sister to them all.
My family is also very protective of me.  My dad, mom, Dave, and Mike...and all the other brothers.  I don't know why...I can handle myself, but they still want to show their force.

I was so close last night to just packing up and leaving.  Thanks to a friend for being there and telling me not to let my head hang low.  Yes I have made mistakes.  Yes there are things I am not proud of.  I have to live with them.  Unfortunately, some people choose to talk about others and their personal business to take the attention away from their own issues.

Am I ready to be in a relationship again?  Absolutely not.  Do I want to be in a relationship again?  Not really.  I  won't lie...I've been hurt.  I've been broken down....destroyed.  I have nothing left to offer anyone, only bits and pieces of what used to be.  Hanging out, enjoying myself...I'll do that.  I am focusing on school at this point, and once I finish class, who knows what that will bring. 

I know that there's more to say, but it's late, and I'm going to try for more sleep while I have the opportunity.
More to come after the weekend.

Sumtimes...

What I excel in best
Is my excessiveness
Self deprecation
I hate myself sometimes
How can I be down when all that I want is in my reach
What's wrong with me?
Fuck it

Sumtimes I can feel so touch and go
Sumtimes as my self esteem is low
Sumtimes...at least I know sumtimes I'm beautiful
Beautiful

And if I wasn’t me
I’d still just laugh at me
And point the finger
And blame myself as well
I will not succumb to any of my peers
I’m in control
and I'm losing it
Fuck it

Sumtimes I can feel so touch and go
Sumtimes as my self esteem is low
Sumtimes…well at least I know sumtimes I’m beautiful
Beautiful
Sumtimes as my feelings coincide
Sumtimes while I struggle to survive
Sumtimes…well at least I know sumtimes I’ll be alright
Be alright

Taproot - Sumtimes ( Music as a weapon II )

This has to be said...

Alright, now you all know that Chris and I ended our relationship.  This happened around the middle of October.  I have some things I need to say to clear the air and clear up any misconceptions about either party.

Anything I said in regards to Chris and I arguing or him yelling at me was a lie.  Such events never took place.  I only spoke of them to make myself look better in the relationship when I was failing to be a good girlfriend.  He did not yell.  We did not waste time with arguments.  They never happened, and I'm sorry to anyone that may have heard these lies from myself or someone else.  It was wrong of me to "air our dirty laundry," even though it was, in fact, a fallacy.  He did many wonderful things for me, took me on short getaways and even sent and brought me things at work, just to show he was grateful and thinking about me.  I did no such things for him. I never really appreciated anything he did for me, and I did nothing to show him how much I cared.  The relationship ended because I did not have time to put forth the effort to make this work...or, more accurately, I could not manage my time well enough to make the relationship work, and I took him for granted.  I should have learned my lesson by now, given the fact that I have destroyed three relationships in a year.  And, in doing so, I have destroyed three wonderful men as well.  I am deeply, truly sorry for that.  I know nothing I can say or do can fix the damage I have done, and this is by no means meant to attempt that.  This is just me, in front of you, apologizing for the lies and trying to clear the good name of a wonderful person and a fantastic paramedic.  Thank you all for your time and patience with me on this matter. 

Again, I am extremely sorry for the false information I provided, and for any pain I may have caused anyone as a result.