Fun Times...

Saw Jeff Dunham with my parents last night...hilarious!  I swear I was laughing so hard I was crying.  It was great.  I'm definitely going to have to get the DVD of that tour.

Slept in at the station last Thursday and this past Tuesday.  Also rode for a few hours Monday night, four calls total, no transports...it's ridiculous.  I can't wait til I finish this class and become a cleared ALS provider, so I can actually do something other than take vitals.  Had another crew come over and hang out with us Wednesday morning while we were bored at the station.  Ever since I moved out of the firehouse, I don't sleep there.  I just stay up and do homework.  So this crew came over...lots of laughs, lots of great times.  Funny thing is I'm usually going over to their station and hanging out there on my way home.

 I ended up having to work Wednesday morning at 0930.  So I was up for over 40 hours straight.  I was going to unattend the ambo at 0500 so I could go home, get a shower and get ready for work, but this is what we got dispatched for at 0459 on the BW Parkway:

So, needless to say, I didn't go home until 0630 after finishing my report and taking care of things there.  I'm spending a lot more time there lately.  I won't be captain next year, so that's exciting news!  Less responsibility there and more time to dedicate to my studies?  Heck yeah!  Plus maybe I can regain a social life, since it has been ruined by paramedic school, obligations, and that jerk.

Life?  Loving it.  My brother has about 75 days til he comes home from overseas!  My cousin is getting married in June...have to miss the rave but I get to see my family and spend a few days out there with them.  Not going to pass this up.  The rave will be there next year.

The sad thing is that my work schedule is about to suck terribly.  One of the fast track techs is out, so the other tech and I have to rearrange our schedules and split shifts to get it all covered.  There are also two techs out in the main ED, and with us coming into what in that past has been our busy season, saying it's going to be rough is probably an understatement.  The good thing is we have a great team and we have worked through worse.  We'll be fine...would just be nice if everyone would go and get their flu shots...thanks.

Life...fantastic.  Love taking each day as it comes...life is fun when it's so unpredictable.  I'm actually ok with that...believe it or not.  I get to spend time with my friend whenever we can...even if it is getting an upgrade. :)

Now, off to breakfast with my parents.  More to come before the new year.

Thanks...for everything

The last post was about reflecting on the last year.  I've done quite a bit of looking back lately.  Not saying I want to go back and change anything, just saying I'm looking over things.  These last two days, I've realized I have a hell of a lot to be thankful for.

A year ago I was in a completely different place.  Details aside, I had a lot of things going on.  Bottom line, I needed to grow up and move on, no matter what was said or done before Christmas.  That I have most certainly done. :) Have I forgotten?  Absolutely not.  We save our memories and learn from our mistakes...I think I've said this before...

Given everything that has transpired over the last year, before I make any resolutions, I figure I should look at the positive things...here goes nothing!

I'm thankful first for my family...including all my non-biological brothers and sisters.  My brothers have been there for me more than anything over the last year (I am grateful for my sisters, new and old).  It seemed like any time I stumbled, my brothers were there with hugs and drinks and offers to beat someone up.  I love them.  Especially with the last one...hell my brother is threatening him from another country and others are ready to stake out at my apartment, daring him to come by (my dad still wants to break his arms and legs)...I suppose that should be a warning to anyone that wants to take me out on a date, huh (seriously you won't treat me badly so you have nothing to worry about...relax).  My mom has been my voice of reason and reassurance...assuring me that it will get better, I will move past this, and these are just minor setbacks.  My brother Dave supporting me no matter what and being there for me when the shit hits the fan...and encouraging me to take more control over my life.  My brother Mike...coming up with the funniest yet most simple (not in a bad way) nicknames for the guys I have dated...he has kept me laughing through the tears.  My aunt who helped me regain the confidence I lost...I don't know what I would have done without my family this year.

My friends...old and new.  you guys (for the most part) have stood beside me no matter what...through some pretty poor decisions and through some of the best times ever.  I am so grateful to have people like you in my life.  I really can't say it enough.  I could go over every last detail...the nights staying up texting, the trips to the bar to vent, the comments here and on Facebook...I don't know how I'd be here without you all.  Luby for taking a trip with me one night and playing bodyguard, Francischelli for helping me change my life and get motivated to get healthy, Sean Myers for motivating me to quit smoking (5 months free and over $1000 saved!), Tommy for being there for me at every turn, Ms. Whipps for being a wonderful wife, Ben and El and Andy for helping me move all my crap from the house, City 9 for all the lessons and experience, Moon and Jersey for jumping up to help me with stuff at the station, Heather for always being my voice of confidence and helping me in more ways than she ever knows, 5C for being there for me recently (and the sweet setup!), 5 B&D for always being there...I would take the time to acknowledge you all personally, but this blog would go on forever.  You all know who you are and what you have done.  If I haven't said it before...thank you.

My roommate...thank you.  Hell I might still be living at the station if it weren't for you.  Thanks for bearing with me and my hellish schedule.  I know we never see each other, but I sincerely thank you for helping me out when I really needed it and for the advice you have given me over the last few weeks.

My new friend Jordan...I'm not sure if you fully understand how great of a person you are.  You have so much to offer, and have a great future in EMS.  I look forward to helping you achieve your goals, and I thank you for playing "middle man" and helping me out recently.  You are a wonderful and amazing person...don't ever let anyone tell you differently or treat you substandard.  You deserve nothing but the best.

My coworkers...I haven't been completely there this past year.  I've been distracted by others...and thank you for working with me on my schedule with clinicals. 

To those that I have been out with here and there...thanks for the fun times.  I'm very grateful for the times we have had.  You all are dear to me, but with everything that has occurred in the last year, I'm being super cautious.  And from what my brother Mike just said (literally), he has to approve of any guy that I'm talking to.  And Anthony has to second it. Hate to say it but this may be hard...though Anthony says anyone who buys him drinks is good in his book (after what he said about my ex I wouldn't believe it though).

And to that one person who makes me light up...we still have a long way to go, but at least you've finally opened up.  :) I can't wait til we can hang out again.  I'm grateful for the time we have spent together, how you have opened up, and look forward to the time we will spend together in the future. 

I'm not going to be introducing anyone to my family...they've been through enough with the last two.  Of course, anyone that wants to date me has to go through my brothers first...not really my choice, but you can understand they have become quite protective over me after the last one.  I know I have a say in this, but I'm going to leave this up to them...Also, I don't have to hear from them if things go awry.  For their protection and oversight, I am grateful.

There are many more things, especially the little things, that I am grateful for on a daily basis.  I don't take anything for granted anymore...life is way too precious and even though we may not seem this way initially...we are all fragile.  The appreciation of the human frailty and condition...something that does not come naturally, but with experience. :)

Til next time kiddies...

Reflections...

It's that time of year again...life is a funny thing.  I'm in a completely different place today than I was a year ago.  Never expected to be here, but we take things as they come, roll with the punches, and do our best to come out with our heads above water.

I know last year I laid out relationship expectations...you know what?  It's nice to not have any expectations for once.  I did say that I needed someone who would make me the most important thing in their life...nah, I don't.  They say you don't know what you have til it's gone, and the grass is always greener...damn if that ain't the truth.  I did have someone that made me the whole focus of his life...damned if I ever want that again.  I like my "me" time.  Yes, it is nice to have someone, and it is wonderful having someone to fall asleep next to and wake up next to...but it's not necessary. 

I don't have any expectations.  As a wise person has said...expectations lead to disappointment.  I'm just enjoying life and going with the flow.  Do I wish I had more time?  Absolutely...however, I'm not demanding of it.  I know how to prioritize, and my focus right now is on paramedic class.  Clinicals are coming into full swing, and my free time is dropping to nothing.  Yes, I have learned to cherish every moment..  I've also learned to not put all my eggs in one basket.  Things happen for a reason, and I'm not trying to force anything to happen.  I'm pleased with the recent turn of events, but I'm thinking the same thing...taking time to let things develop the way we want them to. 

As far as those resolutions I made...this is the part I have been avoiding...
1- No more being nice: I have, for the most part, kept up with this.  I've been selective with my sweetness :)
2- No more mincing words: I've said it already...the smartass is back.  Deal with it.
3- No more being walked on or being used: I've closed that chapter.  I can't believe I let it happen, but it did.  Never again.
4- Hit the gym 2 nights a week: Ok ok, only recently have I been able to keep up with this.  I am doing it though.
5- Living for myself and  no one else: See #3
6- Problem arises: Absolutely.  I've stuck by this one more than any other that I made.  I have not wasted my time trying to fix things when there is nothing I can do.

This year was the year of...learning.  I learned a lot in class, learned a lot about myself.  I also (if anyone knows anything about astrology) have gone through my Saturn return...honestly, if this is what the first one is like, I'm really not looking forward to the next.  At least I won't have to worry about that til I'm 56. :)

I know I have said I've sworn off relationships and dating and such.  I keep saying I'm not going to have a family (because you gotta find a guy who is not a complete asshole first) and I'm just going to live vicariously through my friends.  My good friend Heather said last night I'd be selling myself short if I didn't have kids cause I'm such a natural...and I'm one of the few people she trusts with hers, so I guess that says something.  I gotta admit...the morning after I put her lil ones to bed and her son woke up and was looking around and said "Stephie?  Stephie?"...I got all mushy and couldn't help but get that warm feeling inside.
Oh well.

I have had my share of failures this year, but honestly that's part of life.  We gotta take them as they come, and learn from them.  There are things in our lives that when they happen, they can destroy us or make us stronger.  After the last half of this year, I felt destroyed...broken.  I look back at the events and the person I am now, and I am stronger than ever.  I'm not bitter...I'm not wasting my time with it.  There's so much more to do and experience, if I waste my time hating/regretting things/people...I'm going to miss out on some fantastic experiences.  I'm not doing that anymore.  Yes this next year is going to suck, but it's all the process of working towards my ultimate goal, and in a little over a year I will be on the beach in Hawaii getting burned...

All those negative people in my life?  Gone.  I surround myself with good, honest people.  These people don't bring me down just to make themselves feel better.  And those that did?  Well, there are plenty of rumors going around about me, and I have them to thank.  Whatever...I know the truth.  I like the cool people I hang out with :)

I am happy with how life is right now.  I enjoy myself, I enjoy my friends.  Is there room for improvement?  Absolutely.  There is always room for improvement.  I'm not stressing :)  And, if things go awry, it's not the end of the world...just gotta keep moving.

Resolutions will come soon. :)  For now, gotta keep myself awake and alert at the station.  My first night staying in for a long time.  That too will change.

Life is About What Path You Take, and my Ex Chose the Psychopath...

Ok...so apparently the asshole didn't read the last blog.  After reviewing the status of things, these are the results:
-Between 12/1/11 and 12/14/11, he texted me 105 times.  And we broke up in October.
-He told me he broke up with his new girlfriend because she was trying to tell him who he could and couldn't be friends with.  Turns out she dumped him because he wasn't over me.  Whoops.
-Found out he would drive past my house while working, just to see if I was home when I said I was working (believe it or not, I was actually working).  Creepy.
-I blocked his number, so he proceeded to email me AND inbox me on FB to ask why I blocked his number.
-After talking to some friends and weighing my options, I decided to respond to his email with this:
"We are not friends. We have no reason to keep in touch. You text me to excess. Do not contact me at all. Do not text me, do not email me, do not inbox me on facebook. We stopped dating two months ago. You have no reason to contact me or see me. If you continue to do such after I have clearly asked you not to, I will pursue further action. Do not respond to this email."

I think I got my point across. :)  He now calls me "a fucking bitch" and says I "treated him like shit."

Thank you, I'll take that as a compliment.  Coming from a psychopath that my brother referred to as Norman Bates (he's now been downgraded to "anal bead," or "AB" for short)...thanks. :)  I've never felt better. 

Chris, if you do actually read this...just know, if you ever do decide to contact me again, I will drop whatever I am doing and make that trip to the Baltimore County Commissioner.  I will have the emails, the messages, and statements from people that you drove past my house and that they saw whatever vehicle you were in at the time parked outside the house at all hours.  I don't care.  Guess what?  You don't run my life anymore.  I never should have let you get that power over me.  Seriously??? You made me back into a corner and cower...I don't do that.  I'm fucking Stephanie Forbes...the same chick that grabbed a guy almost a foot taller than me who was tripping and trying to get into our tent at the rave by the shirt and pushed him around.  Yeah.  I don't do that.  You know what he needs?  A trophy wife.  Someone who will do his cooking and cleaning, have dinner ready for him when he comes home from work, does exactly as he says, and has no brain.  Ugh...

This is it, the last I ever write of you.  I've closed that chapter of my life, and believe me I will never bow to anyone again or do their bidding.  I'm not that kind of chick.
And God forbid you decide you want to spread any of my business or drag my name through the mud...you will regret ever coming to Maryland...believe me.

Thank you Jimmy V for my title :)

A notice...

So I was so excited two days ago when I thought that guy I had dated was finally leaving me alone.  We're not friends on FB anymore, so Chris, if you are reading this...this is for you:
-MY dad made it out of surgery well.  Thanks for asking.
-I passed my pharm exam.
-Congrats on passing rescue tech.
-No we cannot ride soon.  We are not going to ride anytime...ever...again.  Sure, I know you had a lot of fun riding with me and consider me a great EMT but really...with how you speak of other providers (whether it is true or not)...you don't have respect for most of the people you work with.

I'm going out and having fun.  I'm spending time with my friends. I don't really go to the bar, well, let's just give credit to conditioning...you get punished every time you go to the bar with a friend, you don't want to go to the bar anymore.  I know you said you ended it with your new girlfriend because she was trying to control who you were friends with...wait, what?  Does that sound familiar?  A significant other making their partner choose between them and their friends?  Obviously you missed that one.  I cannot count the number of times you made me choose between you and my friends.  The majority of the time I was a fool and chose you.  And those times I actually went and hung out with my friends?  Do you remember the night I went to the bar with my friend, my phone was dead from you texting me all day, and you drove past my house, the bar, the firehouse and then to my house again looking for me?  And when you came in, how you were so furious with me you were shaking?  I went out for a few hours, had a couple of drinks and caught up with my friend, and because you could not reach me you tried to hunt me down then exploded.  How about the time when I didn't text you when I left work, when I got to the bar, when I left, when I got home and then proceeded to yell at me on the phone for three hours??  Do you remember that?

I know you have said that you made a lot of mistakes with our relationship.  My biggest mistake?  Not walking away the first time you yelled at me.  You have no idea how broken, beaten down, destroyed I felt after dating you...but now I realize how much stronger of a person I am because of it.  I'm not taking any bullshit.  Not from anyone else, and certainly not from you.  I know you are "turning over a new leaf" and trying to be nice now, but I want no part of it.  I wish you luck, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, with your future endeavors.  I know you said I have destroyed you...think whatever you want to make yourself feel better and have people take pity on you. 

Leave me alone.  I have not moved on to another relationship, but I have moved on from you.  I should have a long time ago, but after two failed relationships in a year I thought I deserved it all.  I didn't deserve a single minute of it.  As you said..."Think Steph.  After three relationships ending in a year, did you ever think that it wasn't the other person that was the problem...that maybe it was you?"  Yeah, I did stop and think.  I thought long and hard about it, and yes, I was the problem.  I sat there and took bullshit from you.  I had bigger dreams than Flounder did.  And I didn't appreciate Jon.  I know what I did.  I know what my problems were.  I am conscious and aware of all of my mistakes, and I WILL NOT repeat them.  I am a different person now.  That person...doesn't exist anymore.

In no way do I want to make him seem like a bad person...I'm simply telling the truth about what transpired.  That chapter of my life is over.  The same thing with the others...I have closed the book on them, and I have moved on.  Honestly, I haven't been this happy in a long time.  I know the person I am, and I am quite proud of the person I have become.  I like me.  Like I said, I'm not changing a thing about myself.  Sure, I'm making healthier choices as far as foods and friends go, but really...I am me.  And yes, I am pretty awesome :)

Gripes, bitches, complaints...take them elsewhere.  Compliments...welcome :)

Winning

So my ex used to say (all the time) that he was "winning like Charlie Sheen" or "winning before Charlie Sheen knew what it was"...ugh.
So bloody annoying.  If only...nevermind :)

So here's the winning part.  He finally is leaving me alone.  Rock on bitches, I'm free!!!
I love it.  I seriously have not felt this good in...well,  forever. 

Aside from that mess, I have lost a good friend...not by my doing, but it's his choice.  If he ever decides he wants to man up and be friends again, he knows where to find me.

I've hung out with a few new people over the last week.  All awesome in their own regard.  It's nice...shows me that there are still good people out there, and ones that can actually respect a female and not be after one thing and one thing only.  I've had such a great time with my new friends, and haven't smiled this much in so long.

Honestly, at the end of last week, it was like my world was crashing again for like the millionth time this year.  What happens when your world ends up in flames?  The Phoenix rises from the ashes.  Here I am, and I'm not going anywhere.

Next on the agenda?  Continuing to make more time for myself.  Sticking to my 90 day challenge, getting to the gym more often, starting to take walks around the neighborhood.  More "me" time, more time at home with the family.  More time for friends...and that's one thing...I have been a terrible friend!!  I have lost touch with so many of my friends, and I haven't been there when they needed me.  Well that changes now.  I know in a relationship you are supposed to put your significant other first, but when they dominate all of your time and you cannot keep in touch or hang out with your friends, this becomes a problem. 

So that's it...I have these white boards (and dry erase calendars) next to my mirror so I can keep track of my hectic life.  On one of these boards, I have written "putting yourself first is never being selfish" and "if you don't take care of yourself, who will?"  After I was called "the most selfish person" someone had ever met, I stopped doing things for myself and making my life the priority...and we see where that got me. 

With my new found freedom?  Well, hectic week aside, Saturday I'm seeing a friend I haven't hung out with since July.  We might even go dancing...love it!  Sunday...birthday party for one of my kids (babysitting, not really spawn), then who knows what Sunday night.  Weekend after?  Work Friday, off Saturday and Sunday, looking for things to do (though if nothing is going on here, I may be home that weekend).  It's nice to plan things...haha, as they come :)

Feeling so much better than I have in a long, long time.  I'm not going to generate any expectations...I'm just truly enjoying the time I get to spend with people and taking each day as it comes. 

And though I may be doing the 90 day challenge, I'm not considering that a diet (I was asked today if I'm on a diet...I'm just being more sensible about a lot of things).  After thinking about it, though, I am on a diet.  A no-bullshit diet.

G'night folks.

Just some thoughts...

So, as far as relationships go, I've had my fair share of it this past year.  I've learned what I want, and what I don't want in a relationship.  If I ever venture back into that territory, I have a clear idea of what I want.  I have also learned my faults, and where I have gone wrong.

First off, where I went wrong.  I know I did not communicate well enough, and I know I didn't appreciate enough of the little things.  I expected too much...I know I expressed my disappointment with things plenty of times when I did not acknowledge the little things that were being done on a daily basis. 

Some people say relationships are about "give and take."  I think that is wrong.  Relationships should be about giving and sharing.  When you say that a relationship is about give and take, it puts the wrong idea in people's heads.  It's not about what you give to/do for me and what I give to/do for you.  It's about appreciating the other person on a daily basis.  It's not about material things, giving gifts, etc...sure, those things are nice, but not necessary.  It is not about what you give to me and what I take and vice versa.  That's not a relationship.  What is more important to me is being respected and treated like a human being.

I am not a doll.  I am who I am, and that is not going to change.  I like the person I am now.  I think I'm pretty darn cool.  I understand some guys like certain things, certain clothes...I'm really not a person to wear pink.  I think I own three pink things...now, anyways.  I'm more in favor of the neutral colors, and will occasionally wear red (for hockey, of course). 
Not many guys mind the hockey thing.  Yes, I am a Caps fan.  I'm also a Skins fan (I know, I know).  I don't really follow football much or baseball.
I have tattoos...nine of them, in fact.  I want more.  Yes, I have tattoos on my upper back and shoulders.  No, I did not think of "wearing a wedding dress" when I got them.  Chances are, if I ever do get married (IF), they will be visible.  Do I care?  Absolutely not.  They are a part of me, I got them for a reason, and they are pretty.  They aren't going anywhere.
And along those same lines...I have piercings.  My ears are gauged to a 4 ga.  Maybe once I grow up a little more I'll take them out and let them close a little.  They won't ever close all the way, and that is a choice I made when I was younger.  I have piercings in my ears, nose, tongue...that's it.  For the time being, they are all staying where they are.

My schedule...hectic.  I have bills to pay, and I do like going out and having fun.  My class/clinical schedule doesn't allow for much leniency,  I work long hours, and I like to relax and unwind at the end of the day.  I do like curling up on the couch and watching TV or a movie, but I am sleep deprived (doctor told me so), so the chances of me falling asleep are high.  If that is a problem, then I can just go to sleep, however, when I get home from work, that is what I do.  Also, I work certain events every year.  Some of them I enjoy working because of the type of event, others I'm expected to be there by the event organizers because of my experience working said event.  I'm not going to pass these up.  In addition, I'm a pretty good babysitter, and spend a lot of my evenings watching little ones for people I work with.  I used to consider it practice, but now I just do it because I enjoy it.
I do make time, but until I am in the position where I have a career and a set schedule, I have to work extra to get all my bases covered.

A relationship is about being there for the other person.  I know that there were times I failed at this, but this was another issue...my dad is great, but his health is not.  There have been times when I've gotten a phone call and had to leave Baltimore with short notice.  My brothers and I have banded together and help out where we can, but the thing is that until my brother is back from overseas, it's just me and Mike, and I'm not putting all the medical issues on him.  It's not fair.  If something happens, I don't need someone there by my side (though it is nice), I just need to know that if I need something taken care of while I'm out of town, that person will be there to help.

On that note...yeah I really like to do things myself.  I think someone put it best when he said "Be helpful when the situation arises, but don't try to force the situation to occur."  I'm so used to doing everything on my own, I really don't know when to ask for help.  I just make it happen. 
 I do have strong opinions about some things, but with most things on a daily basis I'm pretty laid back.  I still stand by what I said a year ago...if I can do something about it, great.  If not, don't dwell on the issue.  Move on to something productive.

My family is very important to me.  My brother Mike is one of my best friends.  Also, my brothers have a bunch of friends that I consider brothers.  We hang out, we laugh, we play games, we drink.  We have a blast.  I have gone out in the middle of the night to help my brothers when they call.  It happens...and I guess I'm like a big sister to them all.
My family is also very protective of me.  My dad, mom, Dave, and Mike...and all the other brothers.  I don't know why...I can handle myself, but they still want to show their force.

I was so close last night to just packing up and leaving.  Thanks to a friend for being there and telling me not to let my head hang low.  Yes I have made mistakes.  Yes there are things I am not proud of.  I have to live with them.  Unfortunately, some people choose to talk about others and their personal business to take the attention away from their own issues.

Am I ready to be in a relationship again?  Absolutely not.  Do I want to be in a relationship again?  Not really.  I  won't lie...I've been hurt.  I've been broken down....destroyed.  I have nothing left to offer anyone, only bits and pieces of what used to be.  Hanging out, enjoying myself...I'll do that.  I am focusing on school at this point, and once I finish class, who knows what that will bring. 

I know that there's more to say, but it's late, and I'm going to try for more sleep while I have the opportunity.
More to come after the weekend.

Sumtimes...

What I excel in best
Is my excessiveness
Self deprecation
I hate myself sometimes
How can I be down when all that I want is in my reach
What's wrong with me?
Fuck it

Sumtimes I can feel so touch and go
Sumtimes as my self esteem is low
Sumtimes...at least I know sumtimes I'm beautiful
Beautiful

And if I wasn’t me
I’d still just laugh at me
And point the finger
And blame myself as well
I will not succumb to any of my peers
I’m in control
and I'm losing it
Fuck it

Sumtimes I can feel so touch and go
Sumtimes as my self esteem is low
Sumtimes…well at least I know sumtimes I’m beautiful
Beautiful
Sumtimes as my feelings coincide
Sumtimes while I struggle to survive
Sumtimes…well at least I know sumtimes I’ll be alright
Be alright

Taproot - Sumtimes ( Music as a weapon II )

This has to be said...

Alright, now you all know that Chris and I ended our relationship.  This happened around the middle of October.  I have some things I need to say to clear the air and clear up any misconceptions about either party.

Anything I said in regards to Chris and I arguing or him yelling at me was a lie.  Such events never took place.  I only spoke of them to make myself look better in the relationship when I was failing to be a good girlfriend.  He did not yell.  We did not waste time with arguments.  They never happened, and I'm sorry to anyone that may have heard these lies from myself or someone else.  It was wrong of me to "air our dirty laundry," even though it was, in fact, a fallacy.  He did many wonderful things for me, took me on short getaways and even sent and brought me things at work, just to show he was grateful and thinking about me.  I did no such things for him. I never really appreciated anything he did for me, and I did nothing to show him how much I cared.  The relationship ended because I did not have time to put forth the effort to make this work...or, more accurately, I could not manage my time well enough to make the relationship work, and I took him for granted.  I should have learned my lesson by now, given the fact that I have destroyed three relationships in a year.  And, in doing so, I have destroyed three wonderful men as well.  I am deeply, truly sorry for that.  I know nothing I can say or do can fix the damage I have done, and this is by no means meant to attempt that.  This is just me, in front of you, apologizing for the lies and trying to clear the good name of a wonderful person and a fantastic paramedic.  Thank you all for your time and patience with me on this matter. 

Again, I am extremely sorry for the false information I provided, and for any pain I may have caused anyone as a result.

Sean Michael Forbes, 1970-2006

Five years has gone by.  It's pretty amazing.  I know he's been watching over me.  I know he's proud of a lot of the things that I have done, and not so proud of others, but I've come out of those experiences a better person. 

In the words of a very good friend of mine, "Don't be ashamed of it.  Embrace it."  I think my brother Sean would agree.  There is no way to go back and change the past, only embrace the mistakes you have made and continue on, not to repeat them.  I'm never going to repeat those mistakes.  That's not the person I am, and certainly not the person I ever want to be. 

Sean certainly was a voice of reason for me.  We'd meet up for lunch, talk, text, email...I miss that so much.  Probably the random phone calls and text messages.  I still keep the phone I had five years ago with his last Happy Birthday text message.  He's still listed as a contact in my phone.  I know it's been a long time, but I haven't reached that point where I feel the closure to delete it.  I did not expect to have to eulogize my 36 year old brother when I was 23 years old.  What do I remember most about the day of his memorial service?  Going up to the coffin and touching his hand, feeling how cold it was.  I go back and forth on that; part of me wishes that I had never touched his hand because then I would not still have that lingering cold feeling on my fingers.  Part of me is glad that I did because I never got the hug goodbye that I so desperately long for.

And as I sit here and write this, I have tears just streaming down my face.  I can't help it.  Maybe I am just overly sensitive with this, but I have to say something about it.  He was one of the most important people in my life.  I'm upset that his daughter will grow up without a father.  I'm upset that he never finished his degree.  I'm upset that shortly before he died, he met someone who truly made him happy and treated him like gold.  I'm happy that they had the few months together that they did, but I so wish they had more time together to really make their relationship grow.

I miss my big brother.  I know I have my two younger brothers and a bunch of "brothers" now to stand by me and be there for me when I need it, but I don't have my big brother.  No offense to you guys, but he and I had a pretty tight bond.  I still remember how terrified I was to go in his room because of his Nightmare on Elm Street poster and the matching Freddy glove.  He also had a collection of scary masks and gloves...imagine being a kid, sitting there in the chair watching cartoons and all of a sudden these gorilla hands are on your shoulders.  Yeah, it was a blast.  That's what big brothers are for...that and to strike fear into any guy that wants to date me, but my dad and brothers Dave and Mike are good for that too...  He never got the opportunity to do any of that. 

I do miss him.  I'm sure you've gathered that by now.  He was certainly a role model...working his way through his company from the ground up, and even being given credit for helping bring his company to the status it is today.  They even dedicated their training room at their U.S. headquarters to him.  All my friends thought it was so cool that my brother worked for Games Workshop.  I still think it was pretty darn awesome.  He contributed a lot to the company, and, until his daughter was born, dedicated his life to that company. 

Anyways, this is the first post I've made in months.  Sorry it's so sad, but I needed to express myself about the significance of today.  And I'll probably be adding to it as I can think of more, so I don't lose the memories of him.

Another post to come in a few days.

Another Year...

Just because my birthday is tomorrow, I figured it's a good time to reflect on (some) of the events over the past year.

I've made it through one year of paramedic school...Hooray!!  Only one more year to go.  I've had quite a few excellent experiences, seen things some experienced medics haven't, and gotten to do some pretty wicked skills.  I'm loving every minute of it.

Not much else has changed.  I have grown quite a bit as a person, and taken some huge steps in my life...damn I feel like an adult lol. 

I picked up a bad habit again...though I'm dropping it after All Good.  I've got motivation...

I became single again...twice.  Not that it's a bad thing...to quote someone "when you least expect it in the most random places"...yes, random indeed.  To those that want to call me a hypocrite...bite me.  If anything, people should be happy for me (I suppose that's the princess in me coming out, huh?).  I have learned not to put all my eggs in one basket.  I am somewhat pessimistic, but really, who can blame me? 

And as for the asshole...I gotta love being greeted by "Is there some reason why you're not answering your phone?"  EXCUSE ME?!?!? Who the fuck do you think you are??  I don't have to answer to you anymore dickhead.  You can't check up on me, go through my phone, track everything I do anymore.  I have nothing to say to you.  Give me back my goddamn keys and stay out of my life.

Yes, I have met someone.  Am I betting it all?  Hell no, so far I've got a new friend who I enjoy spending time with and, strangely enough, have a lot in common with.  I gotta lay out some rationale here though...I have no expectations.  Are there things I would like to happen?  Hell yes.  My problem is (sorry to a certain someone out there) that every time I've expected a guy to do something, I've been disappointed (with the exception of this past Monday...I've had that idea for like 10 years and it finally happened :D).  I would love to go along with having expectations and having them met...it's just so damn hard for me.  The last thing I want is to feel that again.  I know there are many disappointments in life, it's just, well, I feel like it's all I've had.

As I'm writing this, I have been thinking.  I've got a great idea, and hopefully it will pay off.  I think it's for the best...I'm wiping the slate clean.  I have been hurt and let down, but I cannot and WILL NOT let that affect any new adventure I may be getting myself into.  If you want me to have expectations, I will have expectations.  I'm not going to set the bar high...I can't hold anyone to the high standards I have just yet.  I want to start from scratch, see how things go.  I am still in disbelief as to how this all came about, but whatever...I'm going with it.  Nothing but good things thus far. 
And by the way, I did mean what I said about my birthday.  My parents are taking me out to dinner, and I expect nothing else on my birthday.  I'm not officially in a relationship (unless I missed the memo...entirely possible with my ADHD and hectic schedule), therefore hugs and kisses and an easy night at work is all I'm hoping for.
All Good in t-minus 4 days...thank God Sean Myers is going, otherwise I'd end up smoking a whole carton over there.

Damn, what a year it's been.  In two I'll be thirty...hahahaha that's going to be awesome.  I think, however, that it will be the deciding year for me.  More on that later.

In closing, I gotta say this...I miss you Sean.  Happy birthday big brother.  Just five years ago tomorrow you bought me a beer, met some of my closest friends, and we celebrated together for the last time.  It still hurts kids...he was a role model for me.  I looked up to him.  He worked hard, worked for everything he had, and made his way up through the company from the bottom. The training center at the US headquarters of his company is dedicated to him.  He was an amazing man, a wonderful father, and the best big brother a girl could ask for...Rest in Peace, Sean...

Nota bene

Ok, so I've got to put this out there.  I'm working on my birthday.  Partly because I didn't want to give anyone the opportunity to take me out...partly because I haven't celebrated my birthday in 5 years, so why start now?
Some people say this is a piss-poor outlook...if you don't know the background story, here goes nothing:

Five years ago this October I lost my older brother Sean...someone whom I had looked up to my entire life.  His birthday was the 9th, mine the 10th, so until he grew up and moved out we had always celebrated birthdays together, and at least called or texted each other on our birthdays after that.  In 2006, we got together and went out to dinner with friends for our birthdays.  He passed away less than 3 months later, the day before we were supposed to meet for lunch.  I still get worked up about it...what can I say, I'm emotional.  We've established that.  (If anyone wants to go with me to his memorial at the Games Workshop headquarters, I'm going on October 5th).

So...yeah that's depressing, isn't it?  Sorry to bring down the room.

Anyways, I have to say something else.  I know before I said I didn't want to date or anything, but that will change.  My only problems are as follows:  I need someone who will...
-understand my crazy schedule
-love me for me
-at least have some understanding of the fire service, not necessarily be in the fire service
-trust me
These are minimum standards...believe me, there is much more, but given what happened the last time around, I have to put that out there.
Also, if I had rejected your advances, you cannot take this personally.  I don't understand why anyone thinks that hitting a girl up RIGHT AFTER she gets dumped is a great idea (especially when that happened after a 4 month relationship, and before that I was with someone for 5 years).  I suppose guys have this hero complex where they have to swoop in and save the damsel in distress?  Do I look like a damsel in distress?  I most certainly don't have the boobs for it anymore (as I was reminded today at the fire house)...though I do have a couple of pretty cute dresses (but nowhere to wear them lol)...
Yes, I did say that I have cute dresses...breathe people!  Oh, and when we went out the the bar the other night, I wore a pink thin-strapped tank top.  With ruffles.  And makeup.
LMAO I'm beginning to wonder how many of my close friends have passed out after reading that.  When I told Guthrie the other night "I can wear cute things like this now"  he said "Who the hell are you?" (Guthrie and I have known each other for about 15 years).
So that is my sad, sad story for the week.  Believe it or not, I'm doing a lot better.  Still hurts, still stings like a bitch, but that will dissipate with time.  I don't expect it to go away overnight.
It seems like every time I talk about something good that happens to me on here, someone has to go screw it up.  Not this time...

NYDB

I think I have a pretty good idea of what happened now.  Since instead of  being stealthy, someone decided to reveal something personal of mine less than 24 hours after it was said (17 of those hours with me being at work, with my phone in my pocket the whole time)...I've got a good idea of how things went down not only with my relationship, but with the aftermath.

So I had a conversation via text...no big deal, right?
How did the details of said conversation make their way to the fire house?  I hadn't said anything to anyone, and no one had the opportunity to look at my phone.Strange...
So I get blamed for this getting out.
Funny thing, there's nothing really to tell.  There was nothing, nothing happened, and there is nothing now.

If your goal was to kill any chance of happiness that I had, good for you.  It's done.

Now I've completely resolved myself to solitude.  There's no point in trying anymore.  I know, I just got out of a relationship, so you think I'm saying this because I'm not ready for another one, right?

So...I know you read this, and if I can find evidence that you did what you did, I will prosecute you.  You have no right invading my privacy like that.

To the person involved: I'm sorry you were brought into the middle of this mess.  He had no right to do that, to make your life more complicated than it already is.

And to everyone else reading this...sorry you had to plow through that bullshit but it's the truth.  I hadn't repeated a word of that conversation, so there's only one way for it to have gotten out.

Simple Memo, More to Come

So...I'm getting out of town this weekend.

After the mess that my life has become, it may very well turn into a permanent thing.  I hope you're happy.

I will say something on Facebook about this, but if I had mentioned to any of you about plans to go out June 25th, those are canceled.  And my birthday?  Plans canceled.  There is no point in celebrating when the two most important people to me won't be there.  Why waste the time and risk anyone getting a DUI?  I haven't celebrated my birthday in years...why start now?

Thanks to the person who screwed my life up last night.  And thanks to those of you who have stood by and been supportive.  It's impossible to keep my head up right now.  All hope is gone.

The rest of my post will be published Saturday night, after I take care of a few things.

Funny Thing...

So I was going through my first blog, because I had reiterated to someone that I kept to my resolutions and that's why I didn't fight to stay in my relationship.

It's so funny...I swore I wasn't going to take down those walls, but someone had to sweet-talk me enough.  Goddammit.

I did eliminate the toxic people from my life.  Did a pretty damned good job too.  Sure, they still might talk shit about me and make up rumors but do I care?  Nope.  I just might turn around and make up more interesting ones, since the ones they seem to come up with are so bloody pedestrian.
I did stop being nice to everyone...only my close friends get my sweet self.  I certainly don't mince words (though that got me in trouble a few times at work),  Being walked on/used?  I did make a lot of sacrifices in that relationship...a few he learned about, still more he has no clue...but it doesn't matter now.  Hitting the gym...haha between work, class, and clinicals, I don't think I've gone to the gym once this past semester.  That changes tonight though.  Living for myself and no one else?  Goddamn relationships...making changes, sacrifices, etc.  Oh well.  I do have some planned days off, and a ticket to the NHRA drags in Bristol Father's Day weekend I need to sell...($300 if anyone is interested, starting line seats, small meals and non-alcoholic drinks included...*plus a private tour of the NASCAR track in Bristol when it is closed, and if my dad's buddy is working, an opportunity to drive on the track...that was the surprise part of his birthday present).
As for the last resolution?  I think I've kept to that pretty well.  Given the events of the last week, I say that is the one I've really stuck to my guns on...

Next on the agenda?  Work this week.  Still trying to finalize weekend plans...we're doing a live burn on Sunday.  Might do that.  Depends on if my idea for my weekend plans goes through or not.  Still waiting on a text message...if it comes, great.  If not, whatever.  I might just go home this weekend.  Hit up Gold Mine with my brothers...
Speaking of going out...just had a brief exchange with a friend...one thing I was slightly concerned about was losing all the cool people I had met in that relationship.  If ya'll ever want to hang out still, feel free to hit me up.  It does suck when stuff like that goes down.

Anyways...on to bigger and better things.  Damn...two updates in two days...don't get used to it.

And I'm doing OK...still burning and bitter on the inside, but we all know where the blame lies.

Wherever You'll Be

I know, before I get harassed about how long it's been since I posted anything, let me explain.  It's nice and short...paramedic school.  Enough said.

I know in my last post, I was happy in my new relationship.  If you're reading this, then you know all that is over.  Did I see it coming?  Hell no.  I know people are wondering what happened, so here it is.

He asked to see me before I went to one of the many things I had to do.  It wasn't uncommon for us to go a week without getting to see each other or spend time together.  I walked in, he said we needed to talk, then dumped me.  Yes I was in shock, but what else was I supposed to do?  I learned a long time ago not to argue with him.  There's no sense in it.  I just listened to the excuses he made, said I'd come when he wasn't home to grab my stuff, and left. 

What were his reasons you ask?  Well, first off, apparently I made some smart ass remarks.  Me? A smart ass?  Never.  Also, I want nice things throughout my life and he doesn't think he will be able to give them to me.  He's perfectly happy living a simple life.  If I had been given a chance, I would have reiterated something I had told him early on...if I want nice things, I can get them for myself.  My mother raised me to rely on myself and no one else.  I do not need a man to provide for me.  And I won't apologize for that.
In the end, he said once the newness of the relationship wore off, he realized we didn't have as much in common as he initially thought so why drag it out, let's just end it now. 
The End.

It's amazing, when I think about it...all those nights he held me in his arms, telling me that as long as I was there I was safe, had nothing to worry about...the nights he put our song on in the bar and picked me up off the stool to dance with me...all over now.  I guess there's something I missed?  I was a total wreck...not going to lie about that.  Nothing I can do about it, so I just have to move on.  I actually laughed the next day when I realized that it was the first time I was dumped for being a smart ass...from what I heard he actually called me a "princess."  If I'm a princess, then where is my goddamn tiara?  Huh?  You ever seen me with one?  Oh yeah, I forgot...it's locked up in the Forbes Castle with the rest of the crown jewels.

Aside from that bullshit, in relation to my previous posts...I successfully removed all of the negative people from my life within the first four months of this year.  Amazingly enough.  Jon and I are friends again (he actually said it sounded like I was dumped by Will for having standards, not for being a smart ass or princess).  I've had a blast doing my clinicals...lots of fun with my preceptors.  One year of paramedic school down, one to go.

Since all this happened, I'm going to put this out there:  I want to stay single.  I'm going to finish paramedic school.  That is my top priority.  If someone comes along when I'm done, that's great.  I need to finish my education first.  Get my career going.  Oh yeah...and raise my standards.  :)
So this means...no hitting me up on facebook, no blowing my phone up with text messages...you want to hang out?  Sure.  Go to the bar?  No problem.  Date?  Nope.  I need "me" time.  I need some time to myself, to get my career going. 

I must say I have grown up a lot...I'm getting older, wiser...now more cautious.

Time to go...but I will say this in closing...as much as I like to take care of myself, to do things on my own, and as much as I prefer not to have it...I must say it was pretty nice to have a knight in shining armor when I really needed it last week.  It was something unexpected...but it was nice.  Thank you again for being there for me, listening, and reassuring me that things would turn around.  To all my friends who were there for me...thank you.  I appreciate everything you said and did, and the rounds at the bar.  :)

Til next time...

A Little Bit Stronger

Only cause Aunt Peggy mentioned it...I think it fits.

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you.
I listened to it for a minute, but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
but I'm telling myself I'll be ok.
Even on my weakest days...I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen overnight, but you turn around and a month's gone by
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you an hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
but I'm telling myself I'll be ok.
Even on my weakest days...I get a little bit stronger.

-Sara Evans "A Little Bit Stronger"

A New Leaf

About what I said before...well, those that say when you're not looking it finds you...dammit.

Things are most certainly looking up.  Hopefully will only have to continue living at the firehouse for a few more months.  It's driving me nuts though...not getting any sleep, falling asleep in class, calls at 3 am...I got nine hours of sleep when I stayed at my parents' house last week.  It was amazing.  Got a better day's sleep this past Sunday though, after a good breakfast. 

To whomever said "persistence pays off"...well...you were right.  But it's not just about being persistent; it's the things you say and do to make me smile.  I really wasn't looking for a relationship...just wanted to date, have fun, whatever...but things happen, ideas change, and even though I thought I wasn't ready, everything seems so right...

And I thought I could pull off this whole bitter bitch thing.  Amazing how things can change in a week.  I don't know how I could possibly have two Sundays in a row be so...awesome.  Being proven wrong doesn't happen often...more details to come later.

To the person who said "I'm sorry things aren't working out for you"...this "FUCK YOU" is for you. I found someone better...who treats me like a queen (even though I don't need it), is very observant, and will do anything to make me smile. I'm happier now than I've been...well...it's been a long time coming.

G'night all.

Around the bend...

 Well the first couple of weeks of the year are off to a great start.  So far, two of those toxic people are gone out of my life.  The unfortunate thing is that one other person came back into my life and that ended...badly.  Mostly because I pushed him away, thanks to people and their inability to keep their mouths shut.  There is an unwritten rule in the fire service: it is impossible for a male and a female to be friends (have a platonic relationship) if the female is single.  I have also learned that being a single female in the fire department sucks.  Apparently if you're unattached, you're sleeping with everybody.  Awesome.  So if I swear off dating and stave off the advances of men, I'll be considered a lesbian.  It's a lose-lose situation.

Installation...well, I must say I looked amazing.  Turned out to backfire on me, because someone mentioned later that my problem is that I think everybody wants me.  That's not the case.  Those of you who knew me several years ago...did I ever think this?  Did I ever even consider myself to be attractive?  HELL NO.  I've made a few changes and you know what?  I got dressed up in the BEST dress I have ever bought, had hair and makeup professionally done, and I looked perfect.  It was totally worth being fashionably late, because I looked good and that made me feel good, too.

My buddy Thejus said several years ago that I had a big problem.  He said my problem is that I am both attractive and intelligent.  When a guy sees a girl who is attractive, he gets interested.  When she opens her mouth and says something intelligent, thoughtful...he gets stunned.  Speechless, stumbling over words...whatever happened to that?  I miss that.  Is it because I have the confidence now I never had before?  Either way, I'm done with it.  I know I've pissed off a couple of people by doing this, but oh well.  What was it that I said in my last post?  Oh yeah, not mincing words, year of the bitch...deal with it.

I'm not looking for a relationship right now.  As much as it might benefit me and reducing the talk around the firehouse, I'm not getting into something and getting hurt again...or worse, hurting someone else.  Dating?  Maybe.  When this semester starts, I won't have time for anyone else, let alone myself.  I'm the crazy person who is taking 11 credits (3 MFRI), working, babysitting, and doing the firehouse stuff.  I'm all for hanging out and having a good time, but I don't have time for disappointment, pain, and most importantly, BULLSHIT.

Now I have to say something to someone...I know you read this because you told me the other night you did.  When the seasons change our lives may as well.  If you're willing to be there for me as a friend right now, I will do the same for you.  The way things are right now...it's a huge mess.  If you're patient, so am I.  I really appreciate you being there for me when I needed a friend, when I needed a hug, a shoulder to cry on.  I never meant to make anything harder for you or to hurt you in any way.  You are an amazing person with a bright future ahead of you, and I respect you more than most of the people in my life right now.  If you have anything to say, you know where to find me.

Now off to sleep.  Appreciate the little things in life...especially when it is a good night's rest.